My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

I think speaking a different language to someone while around others, and for the purpose of the others not understanding what you’re is saying is rude tbh.

For what it’s worth, i’ve also seen colleagues at a previous workplace be told to stop doing this by management.

Its absolutely fine to maintain your native language, but speaking it when people in the group don't understand it is considered very rude. Especially as your mum WAS being rude about the in laws!

Why do the in laws call your mum grandma? Why doesn't your mum just say 'my name is ... or please call me ....?'

Well you’re doing it to bitch about people. So it’s not about your identity is it? It’s about saying mean things about people in front of them knowing they can’t translate.

also from body language they probably know you’re bitching

Insulting people in a language that they can't understand when they're sitting right there is incredibly rude. Your ILs knew she was insulting them in another language and they are offended. If she didn't like what they called her, she could have politely asked them to stop (or if she can't speak English or make herself understood properly, you could have done it).

(I'm guessing there's a whole bunch of drip feed back story to come about how difficult your relationship with your ILs is, but based on the very limited information you've provided, your mother was being horrible and it's fair enough that your ILs are offended.)

But it's my legacy. I was hoping to teach it to my children,.now I won't be able to. I said nothing rude in my native language, just told my mom that they don't mean anything bad by it.

Given that you and your mom are using the language to be rude about people while they are sitting right there, you shouldn't be using it. They are right.

Does your mum speak English? If so both you and she were rude and unspeakably rude to do it to criticise them.

So you and your mum only use your identity when speaking about people in front of them?

You only talk to your children when your in-laws are around?

I've never said anything rude about them but now I won't be able to speak my native language to my children, which is heartbreaking for me.

I was just about to say body language is a huge part of communication. So they knew. But they're also wrong to call her that. Unless no one has told them not to?

Why can't you speak to your children in your native language when your in laws are not there?

Using native language to insult the company you are in is not ok.

They're around a lot and asked that the children also speak English when around them

Again, do you only talk to your children when your in-laws are around?

I won't be able to

You will, just not while your in-laws are present.

They've asked me not to, so they will be speaking English only

Do they live with you? What is "around a lot"?

Your Mum was very rude.

Your in laws are not the police. You can continue to speak in your native language and teach it to your children.

Just don't use it as a way to bitch about others in front of them.

She's asked them several times at least, very politely

There's no ethical dilemma in not gossiping about people to their faces in a language they can't understand.

You, your mum and your children can speak your language together as much as you like.
NB - Your children's language development will be slower, as it is for bilingual kids at the start. But it will catch up eventually.

To speak it in order deliberately exclude other people who are there is extremely rude.

So speak to your children in your native language at other times. Can you not see that speaking a language your ILs can't understand excludes them from the conversation, whether the language is being used to insult them or not? Unless your ILs live with you, you should have plenty of other times to teach your children your native tongue and speak to them in it.

You said that they asked you not to use it around them. Now, you've totally switched the request (convenient when you're being told you're unreasonable...).

How are they stopping you from teaching the language to your children? What an hysterical overreaction.

Your mum was being extremely rude in this situation, and your in laws could obviously tell that she was. All they are asking is that you don't slag them off in front of them, in a language they don't understand.

But it's my legacy. I was hoping to teach it to my children,.now I won't be able to.

Of course you can teach your language to your children. But you also need to teach them that it’s rude to speak in a language that others in the group don’t understand (especially when it’s for the purpose of being rude about someone who’s part of that group!). I had a French colleague. If I went to her house, she and her (French) husband spoke in English at all times because I was there. Because that’s the polite thing to do. Their children grew up with French as their first language!