My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

I think it's pretty shocking to speak another language in front of people so they specifically can't understand. It's basically whispering in a corner like a gossiping 10 year old. So that was a big mistake. Your kids would know this too if they speak both and that's a terrible thing to teach them to do.

They can't tell you what to do though so you carry on. Bilingual families exist everywhere - best version is for you to speak to your children in your own language all the time, but switch to English when only-English speakers are around as it's a bit rude otherwise. There's no reason your children shouldn't be raised bilingual - that's a huge gift for them and great for their brain development. There's also no reason to purposefully exclude people by speaking it, that's where it crosses the line.

A lot of my friends are raising bi or tri-lingual kids but they wouldn't talk about me in front of me in that language, they switch to English so we can all engage properly.

My relative's wife has been teaching her native language to their children since the day they were born, and now as toddlers and pre-schoolers, they are already bilingual. Why haven't you been doing the same with your dc?

When I worked in a school where a lot of students spoke a home language, speaking it in the classroom (unless in a lesson for it obvs) was not allowed. Clearly – because they could be saying something unpleasant about another student, or a teacher. Of course they were allowed to use it at social times and to take it at GCSE too.

I had a bf once whose parents, though fluent in English, sometimes spoke to each other in their native tongue in front of me. Maybe it was forgetfulness but if felt really rude as they knew I could not understand.

This to me is similar. Of course you should continue to speak your native language with your mother and anyone else who speaks it. But I think speaking like this, in a small group situation where you know the other people cannot understand, is rude. Even ruder when you are saying something about them. Can your mum (or you) not just ask your in-laws to call her XXX?

I don't understand why this means you cannot speak your language to your DC either. Surely it's fine to do so when in-laws are not there? Which is the vast majority of the day, by your own account. In fact yes, as a PP says, speak your language to your DC at all times, and English to your in-laws (explain what you are saying if you like); really the only time you will be using English to your DC is when there is a big group having a general convo in English.

Stop being so dramatic.

Teaching children a second language is a world away from a side bar discussion with your mum - unless your mum doesn't speak english.

If you want your kids to be bi-lingual you're going to need a thicker skin that this!

I've tried but it's really tough when they are in daycare during the day unfortunately (I'm in the States)

Bring your kids up bilingual - it is a massive benefit for them in terms of language and culture.

But it is not easy to do and will need buy-in from your DH and the rest of the family. you need to speak to children in native-language all the time and probably enrol them in Saturday school for native-language when they get bigger, or join playgroups etc in that language. it is hard for kids to learn a language from just one speaker in an environment dominated by a different language.

At the same time, it is VERY rude of you + your mum to speak another language and insult the in-laws. Best try to keep in-laws and your mum to separate visits in future.

Of course you can still teach them your language. But it shouldn't be spoken when people are present who don't speak that language. It's considered rude if you do.

Your mum was rude about them in your language. That's rude. No reason why you can't talk to your kids im your language when they aren't there. Grow a backbone and tell them you will fo this in your own home.

I come from a family with two languages and my dad never learnt my mum's language and many of her family members spoke little or no English but they all managed to get along because there was respect and understanding of language issues on all sides. My dad accepted that he couldn't understand the conversations my mum had with her family but she translated relevant bits for him, and her family understood that she had to speak English to him even though they didn't understand much. So there doesn't have to be a problem so long as there's respect.

Of course you can teach them - just not while at gatherings where no-one else speaks it.

It will be great for your DC to learn that we adapt our communication depending on the social setting.

Then how are they having lunch with your in-laws everyday?

Why on earth are you all seeing each other every day? I don't know anyone who sees extended family and in-laws every day. This isn't Coronation Street, it's real life. Do you not all have jobs, hobbies, friends, other things to do?

That aside, I can't believe you can possibly think you are right here. Gossiping and saying rude things, and being rude about the people you are with - in your own language that they cannot understand - is extremely rude.

Virtually every poster has said YABU and were rude. Can you not accept that you were? And don't speak in your own language again when your in-laws are about. It's not that difficult!

Good question!

My niece is in the US, speak french to her french mother, spanish to her nanny and english to her english father and the rest of the people around her.

Bi (or multi) lingual kids are not uncommon. It takes hard work, but you SHOULD be speaking in your mother tongue to your DC. It's called mother tongue for a reason. Don't let the inlaws influence you.

My DN is now 11 and fluent in all.

Absolutely this OP. I have seen this happen and it is unbelievable how much the body language/facial expression/tone conveys what type of comment is being made.

If your mum cannot speak English fluently, then you should continue to speak to your mum in your native tongue, otherwise she will be excluded. However if you both can speak English it would be considered rude to switch, esp if speaking about those present because they can always tell!

As for speaking your native tongue to your children, your in laws have no say. You are the only one who can transmit that to your children and speaking to them in one language consistently (esp when younger and learning) is the best way. Your children will have the gift of being bilingual (and no, they will not necessarily be slower in picking up English even if you do).

Being tolerant and flexible is part and parcel of being in a mixed family. My parents did not speak Italian but my husband always spoke to our children in Italian when they were little, anf I spoke English to them in front of my in laws who spoke little English. Parents understand a little Italian now and in laws English has improved.

My husband and I get two hours with the children in the evening (6pm-8pm), of those 30-45 minutes usually involve the in-laws. I try really hard to get my kids to learn my language but if they won't even be able to use it, why?

My mom has asked them to call her by her name and not grandma but they haven't

They are in an English speaking country, why on EARTH should they learn someone else's language?

Why do the inlaws need to spend time together? Mine met when we got engaged, marroed and at the childrens christenings, possibly one other time. We have been married for 35 years.

Also, MIL and my mum used to say to the DC, where's your mum? They also referred to each other when speaking to the children as Grandma Jane and Grandma Mary.

I don't understand the issue you and your mother have.

You don't use your first language when your in laws visit. You and your mother were being extremely rude and bitchy and you know you guys were in the wrong to talk shit about them in your first language in front of them. You should have shut your mom down and switched to English.

That doesn't prevent you from teaching your kids your first language or using it in the home. You're trying to put them in the wrong because you and your mom were assholes. You know it and they know it.

you're being really silly.

1. of course you can keep speaking your native language including teaching it to your children
2. rather than invalidating your mum, ssupport her in asking your in-laws to call her <however she wants to be addressed>.
3. don't hide behind your native language for having conversations you dont want relatives to hear when they are right in front of you. it's incredibly rude.

Why are you allowing them to stop you and your dc from speaking your native language?

They can’t dictate what language you use.

What does your Dh say? He married and had dc with you knowing that you speak another language.

Of course you can still teach your children , just not when the ILs are around.

They usually stop by to see the grandkids or we stop at their house on our nightly walk (they live a 10 minute walk away)