My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

Assuming your mum speaks at least some english, it's rude for you and her to speak to eachother in a language that other people present don't speak. The inlaws of course were rude to her first. It's right that you and your mum can and should communicate in your mother tongue when your inlaws aren't there. Presumably there's plenty of opportunity for that? So no need to be "devastated", you just use the appropriate language for the time, and spend plenty of time with mum when inlaws are elsewhere. Even if your mum wasn't being actively uncomplimentary about mil in their presence, disguised by doing so in a language they don't speak, it is still rude. It's only acceptable if there's no language that everyone present actually speaks, and in that situation the people who speak both languages need to provide active translation of everything said, not have private conversations that exclude some people. You also both need to be assertive about inlaws rudeness given that they have no issues with complaining about something they aren't happy with they had bloody better be ok with complying with other people's requests too. Otherwise, there's no obligation to spend time with them if they can't be respectful.

But it's my legacy. I was hoping to teach it to my children,.now I won't be able to

Oh, don’t be so dramatic. Just don’t do it to bitch about people who are in the same room.

🙄

Loads of bilingual families navigate this type of situation all the time. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Their issue is that your mother, and you, are rude.

They are not preventing you from speaking your native language to your children. You suggesting they are is actually just an attempt at deflection on your part.

Behave you spend far more time without your in laws than with them

Yeah it's getting to the point where they won't be spending time together (the 4 in laws)

My ILs switch languages to insult people. It’s hilariously clear to others when you are bitching even if it’s another language …

Cut the insults and do the usual OPOL routine and social niceties (shared language at dinner) and the drama can leave the room

So what?

They'll cope with hearing a few words of (for example) Spanish and finally getting the message that your mum is Abuela and not Grandma.

If they don't, they are ignorant and your DH needs a word with his parents.

Your children will learn who to speak each language with. Bilingual families do this all the time.

You don’t have to do what they want when they are not there! Complete non-issue.

oh come on.

You bring your children up bilingual if that is what you want to do. Your kids, your choice. You and your husband agree on that? So that is what happens, your in laws have no say.

When everyone is present, you speak to your children in your language and your in laws in English. That is not rude, it is the established way of teaching children both parents’ languages.

If your kids are having a conversation in English with their grandparents and then you join the conversation, you join in in English. I can see that big family meals where everyone speaks one common language (in this case English), the default should be English for the most part. Why would you want to actively exclude people from a conversation when you don’t have to?

The majority of the time, you are speaking to your kids in your mother tongue. Believe me, it is enough for them to be totally fluent, particularly if they also have wider family that speak it with them exclusively (your mother etc).

Don’t be a drama llama and make a big thing out of it. Be polite and reasonable.

As an aside, talking to your mother in your own tongue in front of your in-laws (and about them as well!) is breathtakingly rude. I can absolutely see why they called you out on that, it is appallingly bad manners.

Do you know that now with Google translate you can have it on silently so that if people are speaking a different language you get real time translation coming up typed on your screen. Is it possible they did this and are upset at what they heard?

Why not?

You are being a drama llama about this. There's nothing stopping you from speaking your native language to your children when your in-laws aren't around. Grow up.

I think you are being rude speaking in a language they don’t understand when they are there for half an hour a day. Just speak in English for that time.

They, however, cannot and should not dictate what you do in your house with your children when they aren’t there. Speak your language when they arent there.

If the kids speak another language around your in laws they can politely ask them to say again in English?

If only my in laws would do this so I could actually speak my language of birth more that would be amazing! I miss it so much and don't get much chance to use it.

Your in laws can't dictate if you speak to your children in our native language. I think it is entirely different to speak to your children to bring them up to speak both languages and communicate with them on a basic level.
But I do think they are right to call you on it with your mum as she was being rude. It is very obvious when people are being rude about others in the same room in a different language. You shouldn't be using the fact you speak a different language to be rude and secretive about others in the room with you.

Perhaps the OPs in-laws could try to learn some of her language?

The bilingual families I know spoke the language of the country they live in outside their home and the other language in the home. I don’t see how your in-laws can dictate what language you soeak in your own home.

if you only see your in-laws 30 mins a day, then you have all the rest of the day to use your own language with your Dc…

Yes, that 20 minutes a day that you spend with them must really change how often you can speak the language.

You were being rude. They knew you were talking about them. Of course you can teach your children your own language. One doesn't exclude the other.

Curious little mention or interest in the DH here. Usually threads like this immediately point out the OP has a DH problem.