My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

Your in laws knew the conversation was about them and not something nice - they're not stupid. It's not unfair of them to ask you to speak English when they are there. It's rude not to.
They're not telling you can't teach your children your language, don't be ridiculous. Surely, if they were to tell you that, you'd just say no, they're not the parents+ you are.
If you only see your children for 2 hours a day, why on the world are you sharing that small interaction with your in laws, every single day?

As a bilingual family, I disagree.
This is a case of everyone making the best of their abilities.

My parents speak some English but couldn’t make a conversation. My MIL doesn’t speak French at all.

Yet we’ve spend time together with no issue. Conversation happened both in French and in English. My MIL slowed down the speak to my parents. My parents made an effort to speak English.
At no point did I demand my PIL learnt French (minority language for us). Nor did I demand my parents to speak English all the time.

👏👏👏

I disagree. But in any case, if it bothers OP’s mother, she needs to politely tell them, IN ENGLISH, that she would prefer to be called…whatever it is that she’d like to be called. How on earth are they supposed to change something they don’t even know is an issue because OP and her mother are bitching about them in a language they don’t understand? Incredibly rude AND unproductive.

Did you even read the OP’s first post?

OP’s mum has REPEATEDLY asked her dd’s in
laws not to call her grandma but they keep
doing it.

The in laws are incredibly rude and the only English they deserve from OP’s mum is to be told to fuck off.

It sounds as if everyone in your family was happy to compromise, unlike @Dahliasrule who thinks that everyone needs to speak English in order to accommodate her.

That is not the ideal at all if your DIL is not a native speaker. It really is your son's job, your issue should be with him.

My DH was a SAHD, I did not expect him to do anything with my language when I wasn't around and for good reason, my DD surpassed him at quite a young age.

Indeed. In Finland the advice you get when pregnant is that you should always speak your mother tongue to your children, that is the most important thing because communication is always better in your mother tongue and children need good communication to learn language skills, and because they can pass on their own mistakes* if they try to speak the local language instead so teaching English should definitely be the job of the son.

I find it amazing that I've passed on my own English issues, namely inability to pronounce the th sound, to my children despite them being exposed to so much other English from tv and music and suchlike. Also dropping Ts but I don't mind that.

Your grandchildren speak English fluently so your DIL’s method worked as they now speak her mother tongue and English.

Your method would have meant your grand children would have been fluent in English but probably much less proficient in DIL’s mother tongue.

You need to speak a mother tongue at home all the time to give it hope of competing with English.

But surely it was still on your son to speak English at home, not on your DIL? It seems like a really unreasonable demand to expect her to speak a non native language to her own children in her own home.

It seems your son didn't place much importance on his children learning English.

Honestly, the English-speaking privilege in this thread is so unreal. It's called a mother tongue for a reason. Because it feels weird and wrong not speaking your own language to your kid. There's a deep emotional bond there that you can't force in another stilted language. You can't pass on your own childhood, sing your own lullabies, if you're in someone else's language for their convenience.

Couldn’t agree more with this post. There seems to be very little understanding on this thread about what being bilingual is actually like and to have a mother tongue which you speak to your family and friends in. Switching is not always easy, and can be easily forgotten when talking to
people you’ve spoken all your life to in a particular language. It can also be very very awkward and unnatural if you are chatting one on one with someone (whilst others around but not necessarily part of the conversation) who speaks the same first language but you’re having to speak English. In a group conversation of course it is polite to, and everyone should, switch to speak the common language but I don’t think it’s rude to speak a language around others who may not understand if they are not in the conversation. It is totally common place in bilingual areas for that to be the case, in family situations, with friends and in work. I think it’s unfortunate that OP and her mum were using their language to speak about PIL in front of them as genuinely 99% of the time people speak in, and switch to, their first language because that’s what they feel most comfortable in, not because they want to slag someone off.

You absolutely do not have to do what they ask for in this regard. Passing on your native language is a huge deal and your in laws will just have to get used to it (maybe they could learn the language too?). Why are they the boss if you? I honestly think it is more important to pass on your language than them being kept happy!

I didn't see this as you failed to tag me. I'm not assuming anything about their ethnicity. I'm saying that the poster to whom I was replying has nastily introduced an accusation of racism based on absolutely nothing, and where the whole family may, for all we know, be the same ethnicity. I found it absolutely disgusting that someone would make such a serious accusation based on absolutely no evidence. It's a really nasty, witch-burning tactic designed only to cast a slur on one party's character rather than engage with the facts at hand.

Nobody has said that OP shouldn't speak to her children in her native language - literally nobody is saying that. They're saying it's rude to hide behind another language so you can insult people when they're sitting right there - which it is. That's not "English-speaking privilege", it's basic good manners. She and her mother have breached her ILs' trust, and that's why they have asked that she speaks English around them. Nothing in the OP's posts actually states that her ILs have asked her not to ever use her first language with her children, or said that her children shouldn't learn it. That's her over the top extrapolation of what they have said.

Spot on.

I think it's perfectly ok to talk to your mom on your native language but not to talk about people who are in the room with you that's rude!

Don't stop talking to your children in your native language. You don't have to do what your in laws tell you!

'Breached their trust'😂Maybe they shouldn't be lazy, entitled 'Brit abroad' slobs.

They are in the USA. So they are almost certainly neither British nor abroad - they are English speakers in their home country. I don't know how many languages you have, but your reading comprehension needs a bit of work. And not being able to speak multiple languages doesn't make anyone entitled or a slob. This thread does make people who are bilingual sound like they have a superiority complex though.

Even worse if they're in the US. White Americans can be incredibly insular.