My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

We see them almost every day for 20-30 minutes and longer lunches on Sundays

Do what other bilingual couples do - each talk to your children in your own native language. Just because it’s rude to exclude your in-laws by speaking in a language they don’t understand while they are there, doesn’t mean that it’s rude of you ever to speak your language! You’re being both rude and over-sensitive. Stick to English in company and do what you like at home to teach the children both languages.

This is an entirely different issue. You can, of course, teach your children your language. Just speak English when your in-laws are around.

Bit overdramatic. Are you with company 24 hours a day? So no bedtime stories or chats in the kitchen with the child in your native tongue?

So essentially, there are twenty three and a half hours of every day with slightly less on Sunday where you can all speak whetever language you like?

Which leaves 23h 40m of the day to speak your language.

How are they stopping you from.speaking your native language at all? Surely they just didn't want to gossiping with your Mum in your language, in front of them.

Unless they have forced your dh to.report back to them what language you speak away from them , they can't be. And if they have forced him to, you have a massive dh problem.

They certainly can't tell you what to speak in your own home - unless of course you live with them, which would raise a whole host of potential problems, I agree.

Then you can speak to your children in your native language at all other times except those few hours per week…..

But I cannot guarantee that the child will stick to English when speaking to me in their presence.

Speaking in your native language in front of others who do not, in order to be rude about them, is rude OP. Speak your language with your DM and your DC when your ILs aren't around. And stop with the drama queen 'it's my identity' wailing. You clearly speak good English, so be polite and don't criticise others in their presence - it's rude - in whatever language!

You’re being incredibly dramatic.

Of course you can still raise your kids as bilingual. It is completely different to the scenario you have described where you and your mum were deliberately talking in a foreign language so that others around you could not understand.

As others have said, people aren’t stupid and could probably tell what she was saying.

I couldn’t speak my dad’s native language but I could always tell when he was talking about me.

So that leaves 11+ hrs a day to speak in your native language to your children.

You can also say, "No, it's important to me to speak this language to my children, perhaps you would like to learn it with us?"

Get a backbone.

How often are your mum and in-laws in a room together for this to be an issue? Just speak your native language when the in-laws aren't around.

Your children your rules. What does your partner think?

Then that’s a good learning point for the child. You just say gently “English please - Granny doesn’t speak French/Spanish/Urdu or whatever, so she can’t understand what we are saying”.

You might have asked you to speak English. You don't have to do what they say.

Giving your kids the gift of another language is invaluable. Don't allow yourself to be bullied out of speaking it.

Just find ways of speaking it while being inclusive to those who don't understand it.

She's tried but in front of the children they keep calling her grandma

Why see them so often then ?
They can't dictate what you teach your dc..

Well tough. This has been caused by you and your mum being rude.

I’m not raising my children bilingual but I have friends who do.

If you want to do this, you need to address them only in your own language. And your DH uses his language. Then there’s a “mummy’s language” and a “daddy’s language” and they won’t get confused.

Assuming your husband is on board with this plan, you need to tell your in laws that that is what you’re doing. They don’t get to decide what language you speak to your own children.

However, you do need to use common sense and courtesy. You were being rude in the scenario in your OP. There’s no need for you and your mother to speak a language to each other that your ILs don’t understand.

You and your mum shouldn't be talking about them in front of them in your language but you absolutely should talk to your children in your native language at all times, even around your in laws and they need to get over that. Your partner needs to explain to them that your children's language development takes precedence over them (but don't talk about them with your children in your language around them either!)

Then just gently correct them. You don’t have to agree to not teach them your language, that’s a ridiculous request.

Of course you can speak your native language to your children. And if your in laws say otherwise you tell them it is so they grow up bilingual. They are exposed to English on every day life and the best way for them to learn is for you to speak to them in your native language.

Also if your mum does not like being referred tk as Grabdma let your in laws and ask that they stop using that term and call her by her name.

No you can't. So you just remind them, "Nana doesn't speak (language), could you say it again in English."

Then teach them that English is the language to use when in the company of people who don't speak your heritage language. It's really not difficult.