My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

Keep going in the time you have without them. It's really important and you have plenty of time.

Is your DH of the same opinion as them?

"Cultural dominance"? What, expecting that she speaks in a language they can understand when they are together? Is that not just basic good manners? It's pretty obvious if someone is insulting or making fun of you in another language, even if you don't understand the words being used.

From what the OP has said, her ILs have asked her to speak English around them, not 100% of the time which they (obviously) can't control. She's being a drama queen about it and assuming this means that she somehow can't ever speak her mother tongue or teach it to her children, even though she can just do that when she's not with her ILs. She just doesn't like being told that she and her mother were being rude by using their own language to exclude and insult her ILs.

If I’m speaking to dd directly then I use L1 regardless of who is around. If we’re speaking to someone without that language I speak English.

Uour native language shouldn’t be used to exclude others. But in your scenario everyone was rude and you’ve become very dramatic about it. Tell your mum to ignore the in-laws if they call her grandma and just to respond when they call her what she wants them to call her. But tell her not to be rude about them in front of them in any language.

I had a bf once whose parents, though fluent in English, sometimes spoke to each other in their native tongue in front of me. Maybe it was forgetfulness but if felt really rude as they knew I could not understand.

They were speaking to each other in the language their relationship is based on. They weren't rude. Did you try to learn some of their language?

I think it should be fine to speak your native language any time but not for the purpose of talking about others in front of them because that is plain rude.

FWIW, this is how me and DH do it. DH and I speak English to each other. I speak my native language to our DC, DH doesn't understand it. My ILs speak a language with each other in front of me that I don't understand, DH understands it but can't speak it. When speaking to me, DH or DC they'll speak English but amongst each other they'll speak their own native language. And then my parents, will speak both their (and mine) native language to me and DC but will slip into English too - if they end up speaking it in front of DH and haven't noticed I make sure they or I translate for him. It's completely fine because we're raising our children to have the language skill but it definitely isn't ok to speak about anyone behind their back right in front of them. And it's also ok for the native non-english speakers to speak their native language to each other despite others not understanding them if that is their natural way of speaking to each other, it isn't rude to the English speaker IMHO. Obviously if they only speak the native language and never address the English only speaker that is rude. But when my MIL and her sister speak their language to each other in front of me I don't mind at all. It is clear it is for ease and is convenient to them both.

As a side note, my DH has been referring to my parents as the words DC use to call them grandma and grandpa... He isn't meaning to be rude, he thinks it's nice. Maybe your ILs forgot and weren't meaning to be nasty. It is strange they want to dictate what language you speak to your own DC though.

You should speak to your children exclusively in your native language because that is the only way they will become fluent. This is an acknowledged way to ensure they can be bilingual and your husband should support you in this.

With your mother or other adults perhaps it is rude to sit in a group and speak a language others can’t talk assuming you’re both fluent. But I would hold a firm line with the children, they don’t get to demand that

I get a feeling that the in laws would consider themselves British. And part of that identity is a refusal to countenance any other tongues. (Probably how I give myself away ....)

That's not what's happening here though. The OP and her mother simply speaking their own native language. They're using their own language to be spiteful and mean about people who can't understand what they're saying. Whilst these people are in the same room! That's mean and rude.

/

Yeah it would have just been nice to have everyone get along. Being called grandma by my in laws makes my mom feel old. My daughter calls her Nana and she's good with that but prefers only her grandchildren refer to her by a grandma name.

Dont be ridiculous. Your in laws cannot stop you talking to your children in whatever language you like.

That however is different to rudely talking about people in a different language in front of them

The issue here is your mother was talking about people that were in front of her, in a different language, and they knew it wasn't positive. It's really clear. It's not subtle at all. Body language is the vast majority of communication.

This has upset your in laws, and it's been centred on the language used, not what was said, because they don't know what was said, so they can't address that.

This was what your mum wanted. This is a problem of her making unfortunately, you can do what you like in terms of teaching whatever language you fancy to your children, that's down to you, not anyone else. Stick to the issue, don't throw a load of other stuff in there with it.

Come on, you see your DC in the morning as well I assume, and at the weekend? I think there is time to speak to them.

Maybe ask DH to chat to his parents while you play with the kids? or cut down their visits – that's in your hands.

It sounds like the problem is that they are around too much. I'd be addressing the problem that you can't speak to your children in your native language by dealing with that.

Don't be such a drip. They're your in-laws, not your employer. You don't have to do what they tell you.

Obviously very rude to use your native language to talk badly about your in laws in their presence! They will probably have suspected it previously and are now at the point of feeling very uncomfortable about it. I would definitely avoid speaking to your mother in your native language around your in laws (unless its the only language your mother speaks), because it will seem to IL as if you are always talking about them now.
Personally, I think given the situation, that's a compromise I would be happy with for half an hour a day.
However, it's unclear why you feel that you have to do everything your in laws ask of you all the time?
You should obviously take every opportunity to speak your native language with your children and pass it on to them.
Children quickly learn who speaks what language and adapt to using the needed one.
In terms of your children potentially speaking your native language to you whilst in your in laws presence - again who are they to dictate what everyone around them does all the time? But from your point of view, why worry about a problem that doesn't exist yet?

Maybe if they appreciated how good it is for the brain to be bilingual, they'd be more enthusiastic? Although it sounds like there is some sort of undercurrent of power play going on here so perhaps this would be better suited to a relationships thread?

Why being bilingual is good for your brain | BBC Ideas

They don't want to talk to my husband, they want to interact with the grandkids, which it feels cruel to stop them from doing

Given that the OP lives in the USA, it seems vastly more likely that her ILs are American.

OK, I'll bite as everyone else is so shy.

OP, what is your DHs take on this ?

Do your in-laws have custody of your children, so you can only see the children with them?

If so language is a minor issue.

If not then what is the problem?

As @WimpoleHat has said. Teach your children your native language - it is very important you do this. But you also teach them good manners at the same time.

He thinks I should respect what his parents requested and use only English in their presence

Do not be deterred from bringing your children up bilingually in your own home. It is a huge benefit in many ways.

Do bring your children up to be polite and inclusive with your ILs

It’s great to use your language with your children when you are doing an activity with them, reading to them etc. But when you have visitors, ILs, use English