My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

No they just like to come over and spend time with the grandkids BUT they did pay for our house so there's that.

@Kate8889

"My mom has asked them to call her by her name and not grandma but they haven't"

This is what you need to address. And as you speak the same language as the in-laws just speak up for your mum and say firmly that they have been asked multiple times and could they please just refer to your mum as X.

I also have my own native language and like you I struggled to teach my kids how to speak it because between me being at work, them being in school and then activities on weekends - I barely had enough time. But when alone in our home my (now ex DH) and I committed to speaking to them in our native language, bought books, watched videos etc etc. You can do it - it just takes effort.

You are going on and on about losing the opportunity to speak your native language and how you miss it, but you are absolutely refusing to address the unspeakable rudeness of speaking about the in laws, in front of them, in a language that they don't understand, and to complain about them.

That was incredibly rude of both you and your mum and honestly that is the bigger issue.

They obviously know you were talking about them - and not in a positive way - so they have reacted asking that English be spoken. Why should they accept being complained about to their faces in another language? You really should apologise for that and tell your Mum not to do that again. It's really not helpful for any of the relationships.

Apologise to your inlaws.
Correct them on how to address your Mum.
Teach your children your language as you wish when not with in laws.

Job done.

Your mum was incredibly rude and also self-absorbed - she is a Grandma!

You are being ridiculous, plus is sounds like they understood!

That’s something your in laws will just have to deal with.

you’re massively catastrophising here.

Adults shouldn’t be using language to be rude in the way your mother did. Your husband needs to tell your in-laws to wind their necks in on the grandma thing (does your mother have a name she uses in your language and that’s why they keep using grandma?).

Then you talk to your children in your language. Speak English around your in laws, but not make it a big deal if the children respond to you in your language,

Absolutely continue speaking in your native language with your children and mother. However, to be more polite, try to keep it short and make sure it doesn't exclude your in laws.

Have you suggested to your in-laws that they learn your language? They sound like they might be quite controlling - are there other aspects of your life that they do this in? And why see them so much? Do you want to see them so often or is this led by your husband?

You are being ridiculous. You are grown woman, you can speak in whatever language you want to your children.

However:

1. yes, it is very rude to speak another language around others
2. it's not their fault you miss home
3. being in daycare is not an issue. My son is in nursery 8am-5pm. My DH is English so I don't speak my language much around him. However I do speak it every morning and read to him in the evening and he has definitely picked it up. You just need to make some effort

They are right in this circumstance. I know when my SIL is being bitchy because she speaks to DH in their native language instead of the English they typically use when the wider family (including several people who don’t speak their native language) are together. I’ve told him clearly that it’s rude and I consider him equally rude if he replies to her in their native language in front of me. They can speak in whatever language they fancy when they’re alone (FWIW I am learning their native language but don’t know enough yet to follow people speaking quickly).

Stop being utterly ridiculous OP! You’ve either created a thread to be goady and stir up trouble, or you’re the most immature, spit your dummy out grown woman. 🙄

Of course you* can speak your native language to your *children. You have 23 hours and 40 minutes daily to do this. Give over with your stupidity.

I grew up bilingual and my grandma got incredibly cross when we spoke our second language (the language of the country we lived in!) around her. The compromise was that if it was general chit-chat around the table we would speak English so everyone could join in, but if one of us kids spoke directly to our mum (who is from the country we lived in) we were allowed to speak our language as it would have been rude for my grandma to eavesdrop on a private conversation anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

I personally think you should keep speaking to your children in your language but then switch back to English the rest of the time. It worked for us! We never used it to say anything rude about people though, it was only for things like asking if it was ok if we left the room, or had a shower etc. Just because your in laws requested you stop doesn't mean you have to listen to them. You are an adult, you get to make your own decisions.

They had no right to say that to you. You were talking to your MUM. They can't dictate that only their language should be spoken! How rude of them.

my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws
That's the problem. They called you out because it was rude.
If you'd been saying something like 'Put the kettle on, please' they wouldn't have found it rude.

I'm fine with this and I'm a big fan of raising children bilingually. It's half an hour a day. You have lots of time to speak your language with them. Don't be such a victim.

Now I've read it all. Assume you are joking?

In which case, your problem is with him. And a lot of this thread has been a waste of time. Whatever the rights and wrongs of your in laws, if he is taking their side, you should deal with that.

@DebbieSavage "Why do we expect people of culture around the world to speak English when they should be allowed to express themselves and their opinions in their native tongue? It's such a retrograde colonial mindset and nobody seems to call it out at all."

The OP lives in the States and her in laws are American. The official language of the USA is English. I'm not sure that a retrograde colonial mindset applies here and how exactly you would call it out.

You haven't addressed why they see so much of each other. Also my mum and MIL have no common ground whatsoever but both can such up the other's foibles.

It’s normal to speak in your own language to your children and let your DH speak to them in English to ensure they learn your language fluently. The in-laws shouldn’t try to prevent this.

My Japanese DI speaks to our grandchildren in Japanese all the time and to us in English. It’s important the children speak both languages because her mum (Grandma) doesn’t speak English and wouldn’t have a relationship with her grandchildren otherwise.

However, speaking in your own language to bitch about others whilst in their presence, is the height of rudeness!!
I’d be really annoyed by that too.

Well you can certainly speak to your children in your language - why not? And you can tell them NO! You are perfectly within your rights to talk in your language to your children. But in mixed company in a social setting it is rude.
Please tell your in laws that you want your children to speak your language and will be speaking it to them as you see fit.

Of course you can!

But when there are other people present in your group who don’t speak a particular language, it’s considered good manners to use a common language everyone will understand.

Surely you and your children are not with your ILs constantly, so you should have lots of opportunities to speak to them. If you want to use your native language when speaking to your kids on occasions when ILs are there then translate for them too. It’s not good to leave people out of a conversation.

Your kids can speak English to your ILs.

No one’s stopping you from teaching your children. I even speak to DP’s baby nephews in my language, I’m hoping they’ll at least retain some bits!

The problem here is that they probably noticed by the tone that your mother was talking about them. That’s rude as hell.

Saying that, I would 100% not stop speaking in my language just because someone moaned about it.

Why does not bitching about the in-laws in your native language mean you can't teach your children? I don't understand that, truly. Massive overreaction. Teach your children!

This is very rude, for the exact reason you yourself highlight- your mother was being uncomplimentary to your in laws, they clearly sensed this, and it is incredibly rude.
Obviously you can speak in your native language to your heart's content when they are not there. Your mother should be able to converse in the language of the country you are in, and if she can't, then that needs attending to- you can't expect a country to host you if you can't even be bothered to learn a little of the language.
Think if it was the other way around, and you were in your in laws position being criticised in a language you don't understand- you would be just as upset as they are.

My friend speaks her llanguage to her children when they are alone but if someone who doesn't spesk it is there then they go back to English.
Everytime MiL calls her Grandma correct her, also tell your mum to correct it too.
Be like "this is nana isn't it children, not grandma 😀"

Of course you can teach your children your language. My friends have a bilingual household. Speaks French to her Dad. English to her Mum.

You have loads of time to speak to your kids when your in laws are not there. Time in the car. Bedtime stories. Making dinner. Making breakfast.

Stop seeing your in laws with your mum, it sounds like it’s not working for anyone.

Speaking a different language so you can be rude about someone who’s there is next level rudeness tbh!

Of course its a good thing to teach your children the language that is part of their heritage, just teach them some manners and courtesy too