Has dealing with elderly parents made you plan for old age?

[myislandhome]

We have just started the process of trying to place MIL in a nursing home, after deciding she is no longer safe at home. She has been difficult (as you would be), although she has resisted even at the stage where we were trying to make her home safer. Massive stigma/resistance about a bed downstairs or having cares in etc

This has really made me think about a few things

1. How it's so different to when her and FIL's parents were old, they just got placed in any old nursing home and that was it- you go where you get. Now we have done about 20 visits, are on waiting lists etc etc. But that's just an aside. Also, why didn't they think about this for themselves when they put their own parents in care and went through all that??
2. How I don't want this to be an issue for my kids when I get older

Although I am a fit and healthy 60 I've been thinking about this; how we will prepare ourselves for the future so our own kids don't have the constant fear and guilt that we will be at risk at home and not knowing when the "right time" is (sometimes until it's too late).

We live in a regular 3 bedroom semi and I would have absolutely no issue with putting a bedroom downstairs should the time come and if stairs are a danger (2 reception rooms helps). We have a downstairs loo but are considering putting in some kind of shower facility (not care home style, a nice one but that could work for us later as well).

I guess we are lucky that we have the internet (in laws in their 90s have never used it) and can order groceries etc.

I'd also consider downsized retirement living, although I totally understand people who want to stay in their own family homes. MIL has done this but it's like all of a sudden it's become too late to make her safe (she declined very quickly).

I do realise it would be a different kettle of fish if someone had dementia, I'm just talking about old age and frailty.

Anyway, I'm rambling but I guess I'm asking if the experiences everyone is having with elderly parents has made them consider their own futures and if you have started to make any contingency plans?

It’s made me not to want to get that old, honestly. I see it day to day at work and have arranged care in the past though not currently as they have past away. I’m sure I will change my mind but I’m hoping there’s a pill option I can take if my health seriously declines to daily care stage

DH and I are healthy late 60s and I really want to downsize to a future proof home sooner rather than later. An apartment or bungalow. He's less keen.
But I don't want to be moving house when I'm 79.
We don't have children so we know we'll have to buy in support.
All wills and LPA sorted.

I don't have children and neither does my sibling so I know where you're coming from

I've found some useful information on this site www.awoc.org.uk which is for people getting old without children. They also have a fb group & local groups where you can meet people in a similar situation 💐

One of the best things to do IMO is to say to your child whilst you are in full possession of your faculties that you didn’t have them to waste their best years caring for you and to stick you in a home when infirm!

Make sure you have a will and power of attorney. Next thing on my list are these advanced medical directive things. I don’t want anything other than maximum pain relief if I’m bedbound or demented. A DNR. Also no
immunisations or other medical interventions that are not to promote quality of
life. But I’m pretty scared of growing old and ill in the U.K. It’s pretty likely that you will die in pain and neglected if in an NHS hospital. I’m tempted by relocating or Switzerland if I can!!

I know that if I want any support/help from my children I will need to move closer to them as they are currently about 4 hours drive away.
BUT we cant move because husband (not the father of my children) has to look after his mum. She could live another 10 years and I cant see us feeling able to move in our 70s.

My late Mum didn’t want to be a burden. She told me many times yet she had no plan whatsoever for her old age. She told a friend she hoped to die in her sleep.

Unfortunately we cannot choose. It’s all very well saying put me in a care home but when the time comes an elder parent will often backtrack on this

My Dad was diagnosed with Dementia 10 years ago at 72. He went into a nursing home last year.

He had everything very well organised as he had sold his original home and was living in a retirement village.
He also had ample funds.

POA and Will all organised.
Yet its been absolutely awful.

Of I'm diagnosed with Dementia I will take matters into my own hands, its a hideous and cruel disease.

I have been terrified of getting old since I was a teenager. I don't want to be weak or incapacitated. I'm mid 40s and not touched by perimenopause yet. I'm dreading losing my strength and vitality.

I've also seen dementia ravage at least 4 family members, so it's a pretty fair assumption that that's my future.

I de clutter regularly.

I also want euthanasia to made available to all who want it. Yes, yes, I know the arguments, but I spend a bit too much time worrying about having to live an old age I don't want. If I knew I could easily end it all the minute it gets shit, I think I could then get on with living obviously for now.

I moved into a bungalow at age 60.

I've never kept loads of clutter, so that won't be a problem.

I've written my will and sorted out POA.

I've made a long list for the DC detailing my bank accounts, passwords etc.

I've also told them I don't expect them to be my carers if I need care.

I'm seventy next birthday and still completely independent and active.

But I'm glad everything is in place, in case it's needed.

@1990sMum

Of I'm diagnosed with Dementia I will take matters into my own hands, its a hideous and cruel disease.

Unfortunately, for many, by the time they're diagnosed, they're already pretty far gone down that route and have already lost the capacity to make that decision and carry it out.

My MIL always said that when she was younger and capable, but when the confusion started, she refused to see a GP claiming it was just "old age" making her forget things. By the time we'd got her to a GP, she was pretty advanced, and then the GP delayed referrals etc so she didn't get diagnosed until months later. Her dementia advanced very quickly and by the time of a formal diagnosis, she didn't even know what dementia was let alone carry out her intention to do something about it.

Have you already done your LPA’s with your DC? If not that’s a good starting point.

Yes we have thought about this and as soon as we retire we will down size to a two storey house as now in a three storey or get a bungalow. I want to get strong and fit to help with mobility and I intend to use taxis and public transport when I no longer feel comfortable driving. My in-laws have done nothing to prepare for old age and I’m not making the same mistake.

I really agree with this, I think something happens to us as we get older to make us cling on to what with have and think more about ourselves.

I worked my whole life in care and the amount of sons and daughters who have said they will do more so it’s easier for their DC yet on threads about downsizing I can see the reluctance and how people want to hang on to what they have even if it may not be suitable. Some of those sons and daughters must be old now, it would be interesting to see if they practiced what they preached.

The thing is we are all saying WE will downsize, declutter yet all the elderly parents won’t. Do we see a pattern here? Everyone is saying they will be sensible yet the older generation don’t.

For me that is a big worry. There is a PP saying that they are decluttering yet they have FIL’s stuff still in their garage a number of years after he passed.

I am not having a go but (I include myself in this!) it’s easy to make these promises and yet when the time comes….

How many posters on here say their home will always have bedrooms for their DC no matter how old they are? Adult DC saying they would be distraught if the family home was sold.

How many people do you see in Escape to the Country who want a massive house in the middle of nowhere with a dining room able to seat all relatives for Christmas.

So incredibly difficult and such a frustrating situation.

My Dad was put on medication and theres no doubt its given him more years but the quality of his life these last few years has been so poor.

Its hard to know which scenario is worse...

This is exactly the experience I have had with DM. In her sound mind she would have never have let me do what I did over the past year ( thankfully both now in a care home near us). But partly dementia and partly the instinctive human desire to cling on to life and I damn near had a breakdown with their incessant and growing demands over the past year.

Obviously now in my 50s I would do anything rather than subject DS to what I have been through, but will I feel the same if I’m in poor health in my 80s? Hopefully the strain of caring will reduce my apparently very long hereditary life span.

Thank you for your kind reply. You certainly haven't offended.

I have seen that statistic about how few people actually end up needing a care home, and it does bring me hope. I think too perhaps that sometimes things in the future can seem hard to imagine and maybe once we get there we just cope somehow?

Living with anxiety is horrible though. I have explored medication before, but found the side effects difficult. I should perhaps look at different types though, if available, or even natural remedies.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply to me.

Is it really a good idea to leave a list of passwords to bank accounts etc in a folder in your house?

Personally I think it's crucial to have as few accounts as possible. My father had a will but had small amounts of money in about seven accounts and also had shares which were worth very little, and his estate took about 18 months to finalise because of that. It's also a complete PITA when your parents are living and you need to complete care funding assessments or help them apply for any means-tested benefits. And also make sure you keep any paperwork for modifications to their house - don't let them lose it in the vortex that is many an elderly home - as that is needed for a sale. Any sign of dementia and you're really better holding onto important documents yourself - my mother misplaced everything, I found her birth certificate in a 2017 LIDL brochure in the bookcase.

This is the situation giving me sleepless nights .
my mum is 82 and still capable of living independently but we are not close and she has accused me of taking a £20 from her ( she dropped it in the car and found it ) and I refuse to be her POA because of this . She has literally no money to pay for help / carers / care home etc etc and I’ve no idea about any wills / funerals or special requests . She lives in complete denial that she’ll need any of it .

I am trying to put things in place for when I get much older. I have moved to a flat that has been fitted out with a wet room. There are pull cords if needed [ they are tied up at the moment as not needed ]. I have a POA in place for finance and heath and welfare. I keep as much as I can to a minimum as I really don't want my children to have do have a huge clear out.
One of the reasons I made this move was to be closer to regular public transport. I drive at the moment, but I am future proofing.

My very elderly parents have nothing in place, hence me doing what I can now. They live rurally with irregular bus's -- though they are both very frail now and wouldn't be able to access them anyway. There is nothing in place for when they die as they refuse to do anything. They refuse any help or care. I have asked why they have done nothing, and they will say it's because they never expected to get old!!

The one thing they have done is put their funerals in place, so at least I won't have that worry.

I have told them what I have in place and said it's so I don't put my children through what they are putting me through. They agree with that, but still won't do anything for themselves.

Yes! It took four of us over six months every weekend to clear PIL house and garage after they died and FIL went into care.
As did hauling a naked FIL out the bath more than once as they wouldn’t pay for carers or adaptations whilst sat on over £1 million assets.
The constant ‘cross that bridge’ mentality left a very poor legacy.

Another thing to do is to save for medical care. I’m afraid that it’s delusional to think you’ll get any on NHS -especially of quality- if you’re old, particularly housebound.

I really think one of the reasons people end up in residential care/ nursing homes is because that’s sometimes the only way to secure a gp visit or nursing care or even prescriptions. We had a nightmare with my MIL. Lying district nurses, no answer GP on phone ever; utter refusal home visits, constant delays or prescription errors, pharmacist, carers and us all going mad to no avail …

My parents were very good with having all documentation easily to hand, POAs were done when they were in their late 70s, funeral plans were also done then too. Mum died, dad was alone, he was fairly independent for some time but eventually ended up in a residential care home where he later died.

I had his will, LPoA, so probate was very simple as house had already been sold.

I have no kids, so finding PoA is proving quite difficult, I do have a will but it needs updating. Both these things are throwing up some family issues so I am putting off changing or doing anything for a couple more months when the main issue might be resolved.

I own my house, I have a fair bit of money and I feel pretty sure I will eventually have to look to residential care should my heath decline. Currently, I am fine. I have single friends, also with no kids so we are all in the same boat over who and what to put into place for when circumstances change.

It's quite a challenge at times to think about planning for the future when you are getting on a bit. 🤔

One thing dh and I have done, is to add a paragraph to our Health and Welfare P of A to state very clearly in what circs. we do NOT want any ‘striving to keep alive’. These of course include dementia, of which we have seen far too much.

There should be enough money to pay for care, if needed. I certainly do not want dds feeling obliged to do ‘carer’ duties. We have a very good relationship with them, but we know all too well (and they know that we know!) what a worry and a burden old people can be.

Our house and garden at the moment are not too big or unmanageable but if I were left on my own I would certainly hope to downsize to a suitable flat.