Has dealing with elderly parents made you plan for old age?

[myislandhome]

We have just started the process of trying to place MIL in a nursing home, after deciding she is no longer safe at home. She has been difficult (as you would be), although she has resisted even at the stage where we were trying to make her home safer. Massive stigma/resistance about a bed downstairs or having cares in etc

This has really made me think about a few things

1. How it's so different to when her and FIL's parents were old, they just got placed in any old nursing home and that was it- you go where you get. Now we have done about 20 visits, are on waiting lists etc etc. But that's just an aside. Also, why didn't they think about this for themselves when they put their own parents in care and went through all that??
2. How I don't want this to be an issue for my kids when I get older

Although I am a fit and healthy 60 I've been thinking about this; how we will prepare ourselves for the future so our own kids don't have the constant fear and guilt that we will be at risk at home and not knowing when the "right time" is (sometimes until it's too late).

We live in a regular 3 bedroom semi and I would have absolutely no issue with putting a bedroom downstairs should the time come and if stairs are a danger (2 reception rooms helps). We have a downstairs loo but are considering putting in some kind of shower facility (not care home style, a nice one but that could work for us later as well).

I guess we are lucky that we have the internet (in laws in their 90s have never used it) and can order groceries etc.

I'd also consider downsized retirement living, although I totally understand people who want to stay in their own family homes. MIL has done this but it's like all of a sudden it's become too late to make her safe (she declined very quickly).

I do realise it would be a different kettle of fish if someone had dementia, I'm just talking about old age and frailty.

Anyway, I'm rambling but I guess I'm asking if the experiences everyone is having with elderly parents has made them consider their own futures and if you have started to make any contingency plans?

There are retirement villages with on site care homes though, and where you receive priority for the care services if you are already living on site and your needs change.

They are very expensive places though.

Again I can't speak for other areas and but that isn't the case where I am. Care homes and residential homes aren't on residential villages and they require a completely seperate assessment as the funding for them is different.

And I'm suprised people with no care home needs are being prioritised for a care home over the basis over where they lived over people who have a genuine need for a care home. It's certainly not the case in our local authority and I've not heard it anywhere else. Our care homes can have waiting list but the people on those waiting lists are those that have been assessed as needing a care home due not being safe to live at home.

I think that there is a bit of disconnect that goes on with people between their thoughts in their 50s/60s when dealing with their own elderly parents, and their feelings and awareness when they become frail/unwell in old age themselves. Perhaps it’s denial, perhaps it’s lack of self awareness, which comes when your world is small, and you value your home and own things around you more. I think the key thing is to declutter and /or downsize several years before you need to, but I can see how people would put this off until the last minute.

From my own POV I’m really trying to overcome my natural inclination to keep things ‘just in case’. And after seeing how much hassle my brother had dealing with my parents wills, we’ve changed ours so executors are DS (if he wants to do it) and our solicitor for if he doesn’t.

I'm retired, and after a couple of deaths in the wider family recently, I would like to prepare the house for possible downsizing (we live in a 3 bed semi, so I'm talking about a flat or possible retirement flat).
The problem here is that my DH doesn't see it. It sees it with others, but every time i try to declutter, he buys stuff to fill the space!
I can understand some things, but not stuff that has no purpose.
Really hard to get him to write a will (we did it together). Hates thinking about getting old or death.
I also tell my family NOT to buy us presents for Xmas / birthdats etc (does not work).
I HAVE written out financial stuff / pension stuff for my DS.

The poster you are replying to is referring to private high end care homes/ retirement villages which are paid for privately by those using them, not local authority funded care. If you can pay for it you can buy any kind of care that you want. There is one of these retirement villages with care home attached down the road from me and it is very swish. Definitely will not accept the local authority funding rate.

As I said I just wasn't familiar with it as out retirement villages up here don't have care homes. I can see the benefit though of it through a contimium of care though of course very expensive!

@Utopiaqueen
I recognise the model that @Strawberriesandpearsis taking about. There are a couple of these developments not too far from me. Basically they are retirement flats where you pay a maintenance charge to include a warden and a communal meeting/activities area. You can then buy in extra personal or housekeeping care if/when you need it in your own flat. But there is also an actual care home on the same site for people who need full time care . Finances and assessments would need to take place before anyone moved, and I don’t think the suggestion was that they would move there unless their needs were not able to be met in their individual apartment.

There's definitely a place like this near me - I have even been to see it! They offer independent living, supported apartments (with some care), residential care, nursing care and a specialist dementia unit all on the same site. All existing residents get priority on any waiting lists if their needs change and there are regular assessments.

It's a really nice place with beautiful grounds and lots of activities. It's all private though - they don't accept LA funded residents.

I really hope I can live there when I am older.

A nice spacious bungalow with a garden is the ideal solution, but sadly not many get built these days.

Yes, that's exactly the model I am referring to 😊I have even been to visit one and it looked lovely. It has excellent reviews and a high CQC rating too. I just hope it is still the same by the time I would like to move there (or that others have been built).

I see a lot of people on here saying that money doesn't buy you choice in old age and that everyone ends up in the same place whether they are paying for it themselves or LA funded, but that definitely isn't always the case.

I'm going to use my money to hopefully buy myself an old age living in a secure, supported and attractive environment.

We have done this three times in the last 15 years. Yes it has made us very aware of how we manage to not put this on our children. My grandparents either died early or died at home. My parents and MIL all had dementia, all were in sheltered accommodation which made life easier till they got to the stage when care was necessary. Two out of three were emergency admissions so we took whatever the LA found us.
There is a limit to what planning you do as you cannot know in advance when things will happen so you can’t reserve a place now for 2040 say. What you can do is have POA in place, wills in place, living wills if you wish them and have open conversations with your children. I will not be tested now for Alzheimer’s but if I had a cancer diagnosis I would have that test and if positive it would influence my decisions on treatment, I am mid 60’s.
You can find the right time to move, late enough to enjoy the family home in retirement but early enough to cope with the hassle, the massive clear out etc.
You can campaign for a right to decide when to die.

Very interesting discussion here. Could someone send a link for these developments where the retirement complex and care home are on the same site.

Its a great idea and as everyone knows - money will bring you choice.There is a retirement complex near me but has a terrible reputation as the council tend to put people who should really be in a full care home there and there are all sorts of issues. Its done for cost reasons (from the LA point of view).

Oh I definitely wasn't disputing they existed, just that I wasn't familiar with it and had misread it in that somehow people were prioritised for care home whether they needed it or not.

And money certainly buys choice but I think there's an assumption that the more expensive means automatically better care which is far from the case. In my role I go to out to many care homes and work with many providers. Our local McCarthy Stone retirement place I wouldn't touch with a bargepole. It prides itself as having care on site yet mine and my colleagues experience is that they don't actually want to provide any care as it is! And I've been to a few local authority care homes where maybe the facilities aren't as nice as a private one, the standard of care is far superior which is the most important aspect.

It's finding the right time that's so difficult though. IME it's often not a gradual decline. Three years ago, my parenrs were walking miles and carrying heavy shopping, my Mum was taking care of the neighbour's children (occasionally) and my Dad was on his hands and knees changing the element in my oven, or up a step ladder painting the house.

Then, illness for Dad, and a fall for Mum have turned them into infirm, elderly, practically housebound people almost overnight.

Yes, McCarthy Stone are not what I am talking about. They aren't really an option I would consider.

I also just wanted to comment further on this in a hopefully positive way as things just came back to me.

I hope you don't mind me saying that you seem to have this rather black and white of view of families I've seen in posts. You seem to think that only siblings and children can provide support, companionship and happiness and absolutely everyone and anything else doesn't compare and is inferior. I don't think anyone could possibly live up to this idea you have of them in your head as an endless source of happiness and support. Life just isn't like that. Families can be very complex.

But as to a cancer diagnosis. You have no idea how you would handle this. For most parents too, they want to sheild their children from distress and wouldn't want them there recieving the news when they also received it.

My dad was like that. And actually even though he had my mum, children, grandchildren and extended family etc. It didn't make things easier for him in terms of emotionally and it still felt lonely for him. By FAR, the best support he had and what helped him the most in his mindset and mental health was attending cancer support groups and meeting people going through the same thing. They offered him a type of support as a family we could never give him and the best support of all.

Family is not the only source of support.

That's a very fair point. I wouldn't actually wish to put any children I had through such devastating news. My own parents have been ill recently and it's been an absolutely awful time. I've never felt so upset, and also alone at times. I wouldn't want that for any child of mine.

Mccarthy and Stone are not care homes. They wont pick you off the floor if you fall. They wont feed you or ensure that you take your medication. My late Mum was in one. They are for independent living.

What I did find is that people were moving (and buying!) far too late in life. They were persuading themselves care homes werent for them. This then meant that a few years or even the next year they either passed away or went into a care home. The women next to Mum's apartment brought hers at 91! Never never buy unless you are say 70 which was the minimum age for some of the places and buy second hand.

WHY DO PEOPLE BUY AT TOP PRICES BRAND NEW AT 85 PLUS??

There was one women who tried to get her husband into one with her but not mentioning he even existed until contracts were about to signed. He was suffering from dementia and she dismissed it by saying she would be looking after him and everything would go through her. She was early 80's. She was turned down. If she got ill what would happen to hIm.

Mum eventually had to go into a care home were her needs were met when she just became too frail and confused to stay.

Mum went into many respite care places some privately and some funded by the NHS. The NHS ones were truly disgusting places and of course only funded for 6 weeks.

Until people accept that someone has to pay for this nothing will change. I would like to see an age related fund that YOU pay for whilst you are working. I am fed of people who have barely worked or only very part time feeling aggrieved that everyone else needs to pay for top class fully funded, lots of choice places for them.

Yes I was going to say the same thing. Downsizing doesn't have to mean going from a spacious 4 bed house with massive garden to a grotty studio flat!

My MIL very sensibly moved a few years ago in her early 70s, from a rambling 5 bed farmhouse with massive garden in the middle of nowhere.
She now lives in a new-ish build house that is technically 4 beds (one very small), but much better laid out, with small garden, that's in a well-connected village with a shop, doctors etc all within 5 min walk.

I'm just talking about old age and frailty.

Just had this with a fall and Mum late 70s- but half the battle were siblings lying about how she'd cope and how much help we'd be and vetoing any carers - which TBF she's not be keen on. She however was in a bad state and they were dismissive of that and anything even temp being put in place even moving house round to support her.

She's fine normally but few more years - I've no idea. House is set up well location is terrible but she can on-line shop. Slightly older neighbour in her 80s and more active than Mum recently move to sheleter accomodation near her adult kids - huge move took months and lot of family support that was nearly 4 years after losing her DH.

IL are doing fit and healthy route and a nearby network of kith and kin - so think we may have another decade there before issue start.

Our planning isn't happening as well still getting kids out the door but we'll move few years for work and will have to think long and hard what the priorites would be then. DH though digd hsi head in the ground about it so will have to be me pushing as we age.

The care home my dad was in as a residential resident had a small complex of bungalows. You didn't buy them, they were rented, they were really nice, 2 bedrooms, small garden (maintained), conservatory, parking available, all bills and food included. If you needed care, that had to be bought in separately. At the time of me asking about it it was £2,300 a month, that was about five years ago now so it's probably more now.

I liked the idea so much, I live a few minutes away and would be happy to consider going into one of these bungalows if and when I become unable to manage being in my home on my own. Hopefully, I'm a long way from that at the moment.

It's obviously self funding but I've never yet seen an empty bungalow available so I think people probably sell their home, move in there and then if the time comes when they need proper care, they just move into the care home.

After 8 years (and counting) helping to care for my mum who has advanced dementia and cancer and with an elderly father who is the most stubborn man in the world, I have vowed to never put my own dc through this hell.

As soon as dc have moved out we will sell our house and move to a bungalow. I never want my children to have to care for me or feel any kind of guilt for not wanting to so I am drumming it into them now at 18 and 21 that it's ok and not something I want for them anyhow, (unlike my father who seems to think I am only here to be at his beck and call simply because I am his child and children should look after ageing parents even though he did sod all for his).

I am soon to set up a living will with all of my wishes and will write letters etc for my children to read should I lose capacity and the ability to communicate as my poor mum has.

Being old is fine if you are of sound mind and body but from my experience (I also work with elderly people) it's a shit show for most elderly people and I genuinely fear it.

It’s relatively easy to do some weights and strength exercises at home, even in a small space. I’ve just started. There are lots of them on YouTube, though it has taken some time to work through the ones that suit me and don’t worsen my medical issues. Personally, I don’t have the time or energy to go back-and-forth from a gym, when I can do such exercises at home.

This is always given as some miracle to prevent decline in old age, and it may help delay it, but there is still very likely to be a decline so all the issues discussed here are still relevant.

My Grandad was clearing his own gutters well into his 80s, he couldn't care for himself for the last 2 years though.