Has dealing with elderly parents made you plan for old age?

[myislandhome]

We have just started the process of trying to place MIL in a nursing home, after deciding she is no longer safe at home. She has been difficult (as you would be), although she has resisted even at the stage where we were trying to make her home safer. Massive stigma/resistance about a bed downstairs or having cares in etc

This has really made me think about a few things

1. How it's so different to when her and FIL's parents were old, they just got placed in any old nursing home and that was it- you go where you get. Now we have done about 20 visits, are on waiting lists etc etc. But that's just an aside. Also, why didn't they think about this for themselves when they put their own parents in care and went through all that??
2. How I don't want this to be an issue for my kids when I get older

Although I am a fit and healthy 60 I've been thinking about this; how we will prepare ourselves for the future so our own kids don't have the constant fear and guilt that we will be at risk at home and not knowing when the "right time" is (sometimes until it's too late).

We live in a regular 3 bedroom semi and I would have absolutely no issue with putting a bedroom downstairs should the time come and if stairs are a danger (2 reception rooms helps). We have a downstairs loo but are considering putting in some kind of shower facility (not care home style, a nice one but that could work for us later as well).

I guess we are lucky that we have the internet (in laws in their 90s have never used it) and can order groceries etc.

I'd also consider downsized retirement living, although I totally understand people who want to stay in their own family homes. MIL has done this but it's like all of a sudden it's become too late to make her safe (she declined very quickly).

I do realise it would be a different kettle of fish if someone had dementia, I'm just talking about old age and frailty.

Anyway, I'm rambling but I guess I'm asking if the experiences everyone is having with elderly parents has made them consider their own futures and if you have started to make any contingency plans?

I’m not sure you read my post, or understood me. It’s more about keeping mobile if you can. Nor am I talking about being a gym bunny, quite the opposite. It’s simply the case that there are some important, significant exercises that make a difference. That’s why there are people like physiotherapists! If you have chronic health issues like me, and I’ve avoided exercise all your life as a result, this is even more relevant.

Obviously at some point any exercise you try to do, assuming you can still do them, will be completely irrelevant and no amount of exercise will prevent your ultimate decline and I don’t think I suggested otherwise in any way. Until such time…

It’s simply the case that there are some important, significant exercises that make a difference.

This is so true. Especially around balance and core strength. Even when decline happens having good core and upper body strength can make a difference - even if in a wheelchair.

We were the same when DH received his cancer diagnosis. DS was just a couple of months away from his GCSE exams and we didn't want to burden/upset him with the diagnosis, so we agreed to keep it quiet. After the successful first course of treatment, and DH was in remission, we made the decision not to tell DS, as we didn't want to influence his choices re sixth form/A levels, etc. Then the cancer returned just before DS's A Levels and making University choice, again, we didn't want DH diagnosis to influence him or upset him, so kept it quiet again. Treatment worked again and he was back in remission, so again, no "need" to tell DS. Then it came back during his final year at University, when he was preparing for his final exams and chosing his first graduate job (two options, both hundreds of miles from home). We again didn't want DH diagnosis to affect his exams nor influence which job he took, so again didn't tell him. He's now been working for 3 years (other end of the country), still doesn't know about DH diagnosis. We feel terrible for keeping it from him, but at the end of the day, he went through his GCSEs, A Levels, degree and first years of his first graduate job, living away from home, all without stress/fuss/upset that he'd have suffered had he known. Realistically, telling him would have achieved nothing - he couldn't do anything to help. The risk to his future was too great. Yes, if things had gone downhill and treatments stopped working, we'd have, of course, told him, but as things have gone, each course of treatment has been effective, DH is still alive, still working, still having holidays, etc. Of course we feel guilty keeping him in the dark, but we still stand by our decision and will tell DS when necessary, i.e. when treatments stop working and/or the cancer causes other complications, but even then, we'd still not expect DS to drop everything and return home (until things get really serious!!).

Anecdotes don't equal data. There'll always be people who did no exercise living to a ripe old age and people who exercised a lot suffering debilitating diseases. But on a societal level, the probability of a healthier old age increases for those who've exercised and have a healthier lifestyle.

Exercise doesn't have to mean cycling miles every day, going to the gym every day or running marathons. Just moving more have been proven to make a difference at whatever level of fitness/health. Even those who are bed ridden or have to sit in a chair all day can benefit from doing whatever movement/exercises they're able to do, even if just with their hands/arms, just to get the body moving (internally and externally) and blood pumping.

Also, starting to see evidence that drugs and medications are more effective if the person is active and moving, perhaps because they're absorbed better into the body if the stomach etc is performing better due to physical activity and/or higher heart rate.

I don't dispute exercise and other lifestyle choices can give a healthier old age, only that it means there less need to be concerned about old age. Whether you need support in your 70s or 90s is immaterial, it's still likely to feature.

Luckily my DF had POA’s put in place in good time, and I needed them.
He also had a will, but it would have made the process easier if he’d told the beneficiaries what was in it, rather than leaving me to tell them. As it wasn’t evenly split it’s caused upset.
He refused to leave his home but it was easy to bring his bed downstairs, and he already had a wheelchair friendly wet room downstairs too. That was his forward planning.
As for the ‘care’ received at home at the end, it’s not what I would have wanted. Every single time it was a man from abroad, and DF struggled with their accents, plus it was strangers in his house 4 times a day, doing intimate care. I visited a lovely nursing home down the road where I think he would have had a much nicer, better pain controlled, end. But it was his choice and he wasn’t prepared to look at alternatives.

I have weights in the kitchen!

I do sets when I get a minute.

I do much more now that I do not have to go looking for them, go to gym or change my clothes.

I did a cheeky 15 mins tonight while the pasta was cooking! :)

Just picked up on this thought about getting dm a carer weekly that she sees as a cleaner - that might work really well for my situation with my dm. Please can you give me more details on how you set that up etc ?