Has dealing with elderly parents made you plan for old age?

[myislandhome]

We have just started the process of trying to place MIL in a nursing home, after deciding she is no longer safe at home. She has been difficult (as you would be), although she has resisted even at the stage where we were trying to make her home safer. Massive stigma/resistance about a bed downstairs or having cares in etc

This has really made me think about a few things

1. How it's so different to when her and FIL's parents were old, they just got placed in any old nursing home and that was it- you go where you get. Now we have done about 20 visits, are on waiting lists etc etc. But that's just an aside. Also, why didn't they think about this for themselves when they put their own parents in care and went through all that??
2. How I don't want this to be an issue for my kids when I get older

Although I am a fit and healthy 60 I've been thinking about this; how we will prepare ourselves for the future so our own kids don't have the constant fear and guilt that we will be at risk at home and not knowing when the "right time" is (sometimes until it's too late).

We live in a regular 3 bedroom semi and I would have absolutely no issue with putting a bedroom downstairs should the time come and if stairs are a danger (2 reception rooms helps). We have a downstairs loo but are considering putting in some kind of shower facility (not care home style, a nice one but that could work for us later as well).

I guess we are lucky that we have the internet (in laws in their 90s have never used it) and can order groceries etc.

I'd also consider downsized retirement living, although I totally understand people who want to stay in their own family homes. MIL has done this but it's like all of a sudden it's become too late to make her safe (she declined very quickly).

I do realise it would be a different kettle of fish if someone had dementia, I'm just talking about old age and frailty.

Anyway, I'm rambling but I guess I'm asking if the experiences everyone is having with elderly parents has made them consider their own futures and if you have started to make any contingency plans?

Look on the bright side @ViciousCurrentBun she might leave it all to the local donkey sanctuary, then you'll not need to bother.

@Hallamule fortunately we have never factored in Inheriting anything so if she did that would not be such a bad thing because the one thing you can’t buy is time. She lives hundreds of miles away so we would have to live in it for probably 2 months to sort it all out.

The trouble is friends tend to be a similar age. You really need a friend 30 years younger. I have DC but neither is likely to be able to cope with admin involved, so it is a worry.

@ViciousCurrentBun if deciding how to clear out a cluttered house is your biggest worry, then count yourself lucky. When DPs recently moved into a care home after a long period of trying to support them at home as dementia and physical ailments increased an hour down the road, we took away the bags of paperwork and photos and paid a man £800 to empty the rest. It wasn’t my childhood home, I knew none of their furniture was valuable and I was fairly traumatised by the place after never knowing how I would find them or the house when they were in situ.

However the experience has made me keen to sort out our own house and get rid of many things.

I've just had my friend chat do me up a pdf plan for longevity. Not a "live forever" type but to preserve my function into old age. I am on the light side and really don't do much strength training (ok none), eat well but really don't get enough calcium or protein for that matter - so I have had a rude awakening. I am a prime frailty candidate in my old age and need to address that NOW.

In my case, the youngest friend I have is mid 50s and without being unkind, I really don't think she would be able to cope with being named as PoA for me and I doubt she would want to.

Once you get past 50, unless you have kids or younger family members who you could ask, you are a bit stuck and I would be very reluctant to leave it to some random solicitor or other professional person to deal with if they hardly know me.

I do have a niece who is late 20s but I don't feel comfortable asking her as she will obviously be PoA for both her parents, she probably won't want a third person added to her commitments.

It really is a problem that I do think about rather more than I want to to be honest but getting older does throw up some really important issues that only get harder to try and deal with the older I get. 😫

I think the lack of upper body strength is grossly underestimated as a factor in poor ageing. I’m 53 and can feel it myself - losing strength in my arms, not helped by a tendon injury in one shoulder. I cycle daily to work and back and walk a lot, so that keeps my lower body in shape without even really thinking about it. But I think I have to go to the gym specifically to do upper body strength / resistance training - I don’t have space to work out at home, and I can’t think how to build it into my daily routine at a level / intensity that would actually be effective 🤷‍♀️

I did this with both my parent’s homes. After taking out all the paperwork and I could find I gave each of my family a big storage box and told them to fill it with anything they wanted such as books, my DDads favourite hat and so on. The next day I booked a company to clear the houses.
I have a sibling but they are estranged from my parents so it was easy to do it on my own and make all the decisions.
With my PIL the process went on for months because there are multiple siblings discussing nearly every item. Let’s sell, give away, leave, donate , recycle, let one sibling have the fridge, lamp, chair, picture and so on.

@rookiemere It’s my current main worry as she is a proper hoarder, but her health is deteriorating. DH spent almost 2 months away living at her house last year as she was recovering from an operation and had radiotherapy, fortunately he had just retired but huge plans we had were suspended, we were going to travel for 3 months. She lives 250 miles away and her other child lives overseas.

So it’s affecting DH directly as he did actual care and me indirectly because he was then tied up with her. I’m not doing any care, I have been explicit about this . I did once a few years ago when she had her hip replaced and DH was still working FT and I was retired. She came to live with us for a month. The woman has been horrible to me so many times over close to 30 years DS said to his GF recently My Mum will be a great MIL because she knows not what to do because Granny has been so horrible to her. I was a bit taken aback but glad of the acknowledgment. She isn’t my parent so there is no obligation or guilt for me.

@ThatWaryLimePeer there is no way a house clearance can be paid for as her stuff is so mixed up. She has a lot of legal paperwork. She inherited the ground rent to about 40 or 50 houses from her Mother. She doesn’t really know. DH has described attempting to sort though stuff. A box could have newspaper clippings, a couple of photos, her NHS card, one of these ground rent documents, old recipe cards, bits of string. It’s that random. There are boxes neatly stacked throughout her house, they are under her table so your knees bang against them if you’re trying to eat dinner. You have to walk around them.

@astrabeesi'm so glad you said that! This thread is making me feel very sad. I'm in my early 60s, still working, active and in excellent health. I could live for another 30 years and hope I will - I'm doing everything I can to make sure that happens. I don't want to spend that time in death's waiting room, living small.

So, by all means declutter, but do it for the life you're living now.

We're going through it with FIL right now. Getting him into age care. Went through it with MIL before that, then my parents will need it.

I'm definitely going to be prepared. Downsize to a more manageable house & ensure we can do as much ourselves, and minimise the load on DC where possible. IL's expected DH to everything. I refused. When MIL passed & FIL sold up, DH spent weekends cleaning out their house while ours desperately needs maintenance (that it still haven't had as no time).

Just recently, FIL had a high risk, unnecessary op two days before we went on holiday, had a complication and we had to rush home only a few hours after checking in. Lost all our holiday costs. No acknowledgement. He just lies there & expects DH to manage everything. We don't matter. He's exhausted. It's never-ending and will continue until FIL passes. I'm glad MIL has gone or it'd be much worse. Honestly, it's broken our marriage, too. DH spends so much time looking after FIL his career stalled, sick leave depleted, pay rises reduced, and I'm just too used to him not being here.

I’m 50 and live rurally. It’s very likely I’ll be alone as I age as I haven’t had a partner for a long time. I still have children at home but I’m considering downsizing to a bungalow with a smaller garden, ideally in a town. I love my house and garden but it will be too much in time. I already have some knee pain.

Moving into town will be easier if I have to stop driving for any reason down the line and taxis would be more affordable if I couldn’t manage the walk.

I worked in a care home for a few years and it did open my eyes to how life could end up at the extreme end of ill health in the older years. My parents have both needed help and care due to health conditions.

Hopefully I have about 20 years before any of this becomes necessary but I am aware of the changes in my body from even 5-10 years ago so know things can change quicker than you expect.

Financially, I have nothing of value. I will put money towards a funeral and they can share anything left. I don’t own any assets. If I move I will clear the clutter then and perhaps make them each a memory box with bits from their childhoods I come across they might like to see/keep and a memory box of me - photos, the books I’ve written etc.

I completely agree op.

My mum refused all sorts of supportive measures including POA, and writing a will. Unfortunately she died unexpectedly and dealing with her estate was dreadful. Additionally dealing with her house and contents was an extra trauma that I'm still managing 4 years later.

I've already told my DC they must tell me when they think it's time for me to hang up my car keys. I've started rethinking my 'stuff' and am slowly but surely decluttering. (Once I've finally dealt with the last of my mum's things I can get a real handle on my own).

My finances are straightforward and I've put EVERYTHING into two folders with a summary page. I've closed accounts and rearranged direct debits etc.

I've made a will and a copy is in the front of one of these folders. POA is next.

I'm emptying the loft. I've sorted the Christmas boxes and I'm passing on camping equipment that I'm never going to use again. Boxes for things I've already binned, my divorce paperwork (from 16 years ago) is next for brutal sorting and shredding. There's a pile for each of my DC to go through - some of their school stuff, beloved toys they can keep or chuck.

I've only got one set of things in my kitchen (my mum had drawers and drawers of pots, pans, crockery, utensils, cake tins that haven't been used for 30 years, gadgets still in boxes). RECIPE BOOKS OMG. It's liberating.

I'm not leaving my DC anywhere near as much mess to sort out when I go. Medium term when they move out I'm going to downsize and free up some equity to pass to them now when they need it, not in 20, 30 years when I've gone.

My dad and stepmum have dealt with several estates in the last decade and are currently downsizing from a huge house to a supported flat whilst both are still mobile and capable, and have blitzed their entire house, my dad jokes not to leave anything lying about as she'll bin it.

It is a difficult situation. I fear I will just worry more and more about it as I grow older. I am not even 40 yet and I worry about it every minute of the day (no exaggeration!). Maybe in my case it isn't actually possible to worry about it more than I already do! 😔

Solicitors, but choose carefully and write detailed letter of wishes.

Wouldn’t it be healthier for you appoint a professional attorney such as a solicitor than worry about it so much?

I could t agree more, but the NHS steps in 🤯

What happens to elderly people with no children or family ? Genuine question.

I wish I would say we have done this. My parents are abroad and my brother has the duty, my in laws who both have cancers and are managing for now in their 80s, have not given us any info

However, I will not be going in a care home, that is for sure

God only knows. As an only child with no children or my own, and a partner who is also an only child, I worry about this every minute of the day. 😔

There is a large and growing body of work on solo aging though, so I take comfort in the fact that there are others in the same boat.

I actually think the stress of worrying about old age will see me off before I am even 50 anyway, so that will be my problem solved!

Interesting reading. My dm lives in ahuge house with her 97 year old dh. There are rooms and rooms of junk. I've already said it's not my problem.
She needsto downsize to a flat, but won't.

I've only got one set of things in my kitchen (my mum had drawers and drawers of pots, pans, crockery, utensils, cake tins that haven't been used for 30 years, gadgets still in boxes). RECIPE BOOKS OMG. It's liberating.
Completely agree!! I have pared my cooking equipment down to what I actually need -really don’t need fancy crockery etc or more than two pans.

How can you be so sure? What about if you can't cope on your own at home, do you have a throng of dutiful offspring who will feel obliged to support you (at the detriment to their own lives)?

Incredibly selfish