Has dealing with elderly parents made you plan for old age?

[myislandhome]

We have just started the process of trying to place MIL in a nursing home, after deciding she is no longer safe at home. She has been difficult (as you would be), although she has resisted even at the stage where we were trying to make her home safer. Massive stigma/resistance about a bed downstairs or having cares in etc

This has really made me think about a few things

1. How it's so different to when her and FIL's parents were old, they just got placed in any old nursing home and that was it- you go where you get. Now we have done about 20 visits, are on waiting lists etc etc. But that's just an aside. Also, why didn't they think about this for themselves when they put their own parents in care and went through all that??
2. How I don't want this to be an issue for my kids when I get older

Although I am a fit and healthy 60 I've been thinking about this; how we will prepare ourselves for the future so our own kids don't have the constant fear and guilt that we will be at risk at home and not knowing when the "right time" is (sometimes until it's too late).

We live in a regular 3 bedroom semi and I would have absolutely no issue with putting a bedroom downstairs should the time come and if stairs are a danger (2 reception rooms helps). We have a downstairs loo but are considering putting in some kind of shower facility (not care home style, a nice one but that could work for us later as well).

I guess we are lucky that we have the internet (in laws in their 90s have never used it) and can order groceries etc.

I'd also consider downsized retirement living, although I totally understand people who want to stay in their own family homes. MIL has done this but it's like all of a sudden it's become too late to make her safe (she declined very quickly).

I do realise it would be a different kettle of fish if someone had dementia, I'm just talking about old age and frailty.

Anyway, I'm rambling but I guess I'm asking if the experiences everyone is having with elderly parents has made them consider their own futures and if you have started to make any contingency plans?

I’m in my late 50s and we’ve already sold our family home, got rid of over 50% of our furniture and possessions and got all our legal and financial paperwork in good order, executors, PoAs, etc.

We don’t want to burden our kids with having to sort out a lifetime’s worth of stuff (which I've had to do for relatives 3 times now and it’s awful), nor burden ourselves with the maintenance of a large property and garden we no longer need.

I’ve watched too many people cling onto unsuitable homes through fear, stubbornness or sentimentality, none of which ultimately stave off the inevitable, and I honestly think it’s selfish to blindly refuse other options on the basis someone else will clean up after you and sort everything out when you’re gone.

Much better to have some control over the process and view it as a positive new chapter. Letting go is hard, but incredibly liberating. After years of being the de facto ‘host house’, I love living in a small, manageable place and having the freedom to do things other than worry about ‘stuff’.

I’ll have no qualms about looking into retirement or care homes when the time comes and whilst it’s still in my power to do so. It’s utterly pointless to put your head in the sand. Pretending end of life isn’t going to happen to you is a sure fire way of having important decisions taken out of your hands at a time when you’re likely to be at your most frail and vulnerable.

Having been through hell for almost 8 years after mum's stroke, I'm absolutely determined to take matters into my own hands if I receive certain diagnoses.
We will also ensure that everything practical is sorted before we can't do it ourselves.

It is making me plan, but it is also paralysing at the moment. My parents moved in with me during Covid as mum became very immobile almost overnight and dad couldn't cope with her on his own. She has now had two knee replacements and a hip replacement, but it hasn't helped that much as she is still very obese and the joint damage is more extensive than the repair can address.

We will need to do work to the house to make it functional for us as we get older, but mum's needs are going to be outpacing all the work we can do. A downstairs loo and shower room would help her, but the house is an old farmhouse with random changes of level all over the place so there isn't an easy place to add it. She just about manages it at the moment but it can take her 20 minutes to go down a single step. I'd like her and dad to get a flat or a bungalow nearby so I can carry on cooking for them and helping a bit with care, but they are completely resistant to the idea.

So at the moment, we are waiting for the crisis. It is quite difficult as my dad is in really good shape for an 83 year old so he doesn't want to change his lifestyle more, even though this would help mum.

Awww😪 you should be enjoying life at your age not worrying about the manner of your demise! Only a very small percentage of people end up in care homes. Can't remember the exact percentage but think it's only something like 5%.
I've worked with the elderly for years and plenty live independently until their death and even enjoy their old age.

Perhaps you could do with some help to be less anxious about it, i think you can self refer for talking therapies/CBT, perhaps have a word with your GP as 'consumes every waking moment' is not a good place to be. One of my adult children has anxiety and is on a mild anti anxiety medication, when they are off it they tend to catastrophise about everything and spiral which your post is reminding me of. Hope i haven't offended @Strawberriesandpears 💐

Yes, we’ve been financially planning for years but four years ago we had a house built which has a downstairs bedroom with a decent shower room and we have a study which could easily be turned into a bedroom for a carer. All of our floors are tiled and there are no ridges at the doorways to trip over or get in the way of a walker. The lounge is open plan to the kitchen and dining area to make using a walker with a tray to move food and drinks around safe. When we moved we had a massive clear out of stuff which we’d accumulated over the years so that clearing the property one day should be less difficult. Probably in the near future we’ll ask our family if there are any of our possessions they particularly would like then if more than one person wants something they can sort it out amicably now. I have spoken to one of my DILs about a particular photo I would like on the order of service at my funeral and we have made known our preference in regard to cremation v burial. Thinking about it we should probably put a POA in place sooner rather than later. My husband and I are 65 and 62 and in good health but I feel glad to have these things sorted in good time.

This is quite an important one for me. I have consciously avoided becoming a ‘host house’ or even having a big house at all. We have lived in a flat for all of our children’s lives, and it’s fine. We have learned to be content with less, and that’s good in lots of ways. I look at my parents 4-5 bedroom, double garage, huge garden and woods in the country - and I feel suffocated by all the stuff. I’m sure they feel the same about my space - too small, no garden etc. it’s been great to have a proper big family home to visit during holidays and at Christmas but it’s not something I aspire to now at all.

@Iheartmysmart don't overthink but just get this and showering will be so much safer. It was recommended by the occupational therapist for my dm, but like so, so many things it's just too late to be useful for her.

@Badbadbunny your story is so sad but resonates completely with me. The decline into dementia can be so steep. My dm has now accepted carers to help with daily medication but honestly her quality of life would have been so much better if we could have put them in place earlier. Every adaptation we've made should have been a few years earlier.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Helping-Hand-Kingfisher-Adjustable-Bathboard/dp/B003ZZ0XK4/ref=mp_s_a_1_8?crid=24FV6X1Z4TTYO&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.LNBVG1n8or25AJnvNgkXTaRn9_Oy20UQXwY-Jsl1up8FOfbHFRzWuwCJZdZWg7R-r8yhwMYgmSKfk7-zI8LsmxuB84oHz1Tr209f-kxuhd7lsr3OJym3KRX9tbmyQ5Y5OiDRPtmOpMCcJO6pQTZzx0VWQ1EVRU9IXCkcBsoda2yFbNI7zBzU0Pr8J2V-3Cq6vvGI5uFrXr2cCyFXAu5xiA.Len964S-mLEROfCOVCZO-ZE2b-Ol45WGNe0H5GK2pbU&dib_tag=se&keywords=bath+seat&qid=1776425979&sprefix=bath+sea%2Caps%2C297&sr=8-8

Yes, it has. We have LPAs in place as well as a will and were thinking about moving abroad, so have seriously decluttered in that process. In the end, we've decided that where we are is probably the best place for us. We have a stairlift that can be reinstated (we had it for my MiL when she was living with us) when one of us begins to find stairs difficult. But the thing we were shocked about was the cost of a funeral and so we have purchased a funeral plan that is for one of us (whoever goes first); the funeral for the other can be paid out of the estate should it be needed. We have both donated our bodies to our local teaching hospital, but learnt from my MiL's experience that if the death is not during term time, they don't want the body and so you need to pay for a funeral. Luckily she had that contingency in place. Figuring out who to have as executor has been difficult as DSD now lives in Australia, so although she is down as executor, it's impractical and we probably have to rely on the solicitor's firm that holds our wills.

Yes, in a nutshell.

Brutal advanced refusal of treatment in my GP notes - if I lose mental capacity to decide where to live I am for palliative treatment only. LPoA (currently going through registration). List of key passwords and bank account details in my address book. Regularly pruned ‘file of affairs’. Had a massive clear out 3 years ago. I probably won’t downsize early as there is an argument for keeping some space (downstairs living, wheelchair manoeuvring etc) but our house isn’t that huge and is on an easy bus route, close to a shop.

@Strawberriesandpears if you are not even 40 yet why have you assumed you won't ever find a partner, if you are worried about being on your own

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime , @DeeplyMovingExperience , surely you shouldn't be sharing bank passwords? If you die, the bank accounts get locked and other people can't use them. If you are incapacitated and have PoA, that needs to be applied before your attorney can access the accounts. If you don't have PoA, you should still go through the bank.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/681e022453add7d476d8185c/manage-a-bank-account-for-someone-else-large-print.pdf

I’m decluttering, I’ve already done a significant amount. I’d hate to leave behind the mess my MIL left. DH pleaded with her many times to go through some stuff with her but she steadfastly refused.

I’ve done my will and power of attorney. My DC know where to find all my important documents.

My mum was 79 when she died and from diagnosis dying was 3 months.
MIL is now 90 and largely housebound , incontinent , unable to do housework , shower herself , shop , prepare meals etc

Her existence is very narrow , she doesn't see many people , sits in a chair all day , can't see well enough to read or do jigsaws to occupy herself and is bored , bored , bored .
It's no life and if it were me , I wouldn't want to be waking up each morning .

I think once you stop being independent and having a love of life ( in my view )
it's no bad thing to have something ( an infection / illness ) that carries you off .

I refuse to put our dc through this is* *easy to say. My mother would have said that but when she gradually declined it was a very different story.

@BridgetJonesV2 you might as well just chuck all the stuff out which is in the garage. I mean without bothering to sift through it.

It's been some years, and whatever is there can't be important because you haven't looked through it yet.

Take it all to the dump. Save yourself a job.

Don’t talk about sifting through. Just dispose of FIL boxes.

Sorry to sound harsh but if you haven’t tackled them in a few years they are just going to sit there. I managed my late parents ‘hoarders’ house by getting a specialist clearance company in. I made a few trips to tip but it was honestly overwhelming.I had a quick glance through his many many boxes of rubbish (with gloves on - mice has clearly been in some of them.) He had an ‘important’ box which had his will, funeral wishes etc. I reckoned that with re directed post if it was that important someone would find me.

I was also very very firm with both parents who had divorced years ago so had seperate houses that if they didn’t declutter I wouldn’t help.

No giving out my number to all and sundry. I was the only sibling in the UK so there was no one else. I sound like a right cow but it put the fear of god into my Mum in particular and she knew I was talking with the best intentions. I took over all their finances. Dad in particular didn’t even own a mobile so in the end let me do it all. He and Mum weren’t capable and both houses were sold and they went into care homes. A lot of Dads house sale went to pay for his care home costs (circa £500k). He was ready to go years before and suffered a lot in the last few years but we seem to pride ourselves on keeping very elderly people on his planet without looking at quality of life.

I was a carer for my mother in the last years of her life. She had made zero provision for her eventual decline and demise. She didn't even have a will in place. I got this sorted very quickly because there are some difficult characters in our family. I didn't care about the contents of the will, so long as everything was clear. I had to take on everything in her life very quickly and it was a steep learning curve. I didn't even know about her medical conditions because she was so private.

As a consequence of this, I have quite a lot of basic things in place, such as a will, a LPO and an old-friendly house. It's frustrating and scary for the family to leave your family in the dark, as you get older.

Ollie - I agree. You literally need to lay the law down and I was quite willing to walk away without spending months going round and round in circles talking shite

I think it’s difficult for people to accept they will get old, incapable and eventually pass away. Even my parents, who just went through all this with their parents, are already fighting necessary measures to make their lives and aging easier (ie necessary downsizing)

I agree. A list of bank accounts and other investments etc is essential, but not online access passwords. If someone uses a deceased person's password to access their account and make a transaction after they've died, they could be in serious trouble. The bank WILL know the date of death from the death certificate they'll need to deal with probate and release funds etc.

I think it's really down to the personality of the individual.

I know lots of people who've stuck their head in the sand and literally done no future planning at all, even when they've retired and/or got a serious health condition, not even making a will, let alone a POA and certainly no decluttering etc.

Probably know a similar amount of people who have "over-planned", i.e. wills and POA from a very early stage which have needed amendments and changes over the years as circumstances change, next of kin die, children are born, etc. Plus downsizing very early and ending up living in a home too small for how they'd like to live, for literally decades!

I do think a lot of it is down to experiences themselves with their elderly parents/relatives - those who have really suffered from having elderly relatives in denial seem to tend to go too far the other way to plan for their own demise!

I think it's a privilege if you think you can afford to not face up to the inevitable. These people presumably have family who they assume will sort everything out for them. Those of us who will have nobody have no choice but to face up our old age and eventual death, no matter how hard and upsetting that is.

After the trauma of trying to support DM, who lives alone in Spain, through cancer treatment, one thing I will definitely not do is become permanently resident in a country that me and DC are not all citizens of. Especially not to somewhere like Spain where all elder care is expected to be carried out by family. I am DM’s only remaining family (except for her blind DB in the UK) and cannot be her carer as I’m simply not allowed to be in the country for sufficient time. Parents never asked my opinion on the move 20 years ago and gave zero thought to their later care needs. Had to facilitate bringing DF back to the UK to enter a nursing home with advanced Parkinson’s pre Brexit and that was bad enough. Now DM’s illness, along with the additional complications of Brexit restrictions, is going to finally break me.

My DM was partially sighted and blind later in life. Parents had a stairlift installed when mum became blind. The house was a 3 bed semi they had owned since our childhoods. Mum lived there until she lost her mobility after a serious infection and spent a short time in a nursing home before passing away at 90. Dad stayed living in his house until he passed away at 94. They were very tidy and very organised. They had a gardener, a panic button, mobility help from charities, attendance allowance etc.

On the whole they played old age and disability very well. One thing we have they didn't is a downstairs loo and shower rm. Their good example of being tidy and organised is something I'm not quite fully there with but I'm getting there. So all things considered I think staying where you feel at home for as long as poss is not a bad plan. Having good savings and modifying well in advance is another takeaway.

MIL was a widow from her early 60s. Not good with finances or savings but she had a great pension. Lived well in a good house with a cleaner/helper and a gardener coming in when she was in her 80s. Her health declined a little and the son that lived 20 mins away felt that was too far. She had a good set up with sleeping arrangements and facilities all on one floor. The siblings decided the answer was for her to move 60 miles away near her daughter to a warden controlled flat. It seemed to bring the decline on swiftly. Friends were too far away and DH and I felt the decision wasn't ultimately right for her and she might have been better with carers coming in at her old house.