Has dealing with elderly parents made you plan for old age?

[myislandhome]

We have just started the process of trying to place MIL in a nursing home, after deciding she is no longer safe at home. She has been difficult (as you would be), although she has resisted even at the stage where we were trying to make her home safer. Massive stigma/resistance about a bed downstairs or having cares in etc

This has really made me think about a few things

1. How it's so different to when her and FIL's parents were old, they just got placed in any old nursing home and that was it- you go where you get. Now we have done about 20 visits, are on waiting lists etc etc. But that's just an aside. Also, why didn't they think about this for themselves when they put their own parents in care and went through all that??
2. How I don't want this to be an issue for my kids when I get older

Although I am a fit and healthy 60 I've been thinking about this; how we will prepare ourselves for the future so our own kids don't have the constant fear and guilt that we will be at risk at home and not knowing when the "right time" is (sometimes until it's too late).

We live in a regular 3 bedroom semi and I would have absolutely no issue with putting a bedroom downstairs should the time come and if stairs are a danger (2 reception rooms helps). We have a downstairs loo but are considering putting in some kind of shower facility (not care home style, a nice one but that could work for us later as well).

I guess we are lucky that we have the internet (in laws in their 90s have never used it) and can order groceries etc.

I'd also consider downsized retirement living, although I totally understand people who want to stay in their own family homes. MIL has done this but it's like all of a sudden it's become too late to make her safe (she declined very quickly).

I do realise it would be a different kettle of fish if someone had dementia, I'm just talking about old age and frailty.

Anyway, I'm rambling but I guess I'm asking if the experiences everyone is having with elderly parents has made them consider their own futures and if you have started to make any contingency plans?

I managed after a number of chats with my wealthy parents to get them to agree to have POA made.
They live in a bungalow already so that's one less thing.
My mum had recently been diagnosed with parkinsons. They have now accepted a cleaner and gardener.
My husband and I are in the middle of our long planned move to Spain.
It's a balancing act of staying here and flying back frequently.

We worry a lot about what happens to us, I know a lot of single people like me, divorce, death of a partner or just have always been single and at this stage in life, all of us worry about the future, getting ill, ending up in hospital, having to go into care etc. The thought of dementia absolutely terrifies us all sadly.

Finding someone to advocate for us if the worse happens is an ongoing worry when you are trying to plan for all eventualities.

Not necessarily, my DM has a ceiling of care in place and will never be admitted to hospital or treated for any conditions. She will be kept comfortable and pain free and die in her nursing home.

We did this for my dad, the care home looked after him right up to the end after he had a succession of infections and had become bed ridden. We said no hospital, the gp checked him several times and he already had a DNR in place as well.

The care home looked after him brilliantly, he was comfortable, pain free and passed away peacefully during the early hours of the morning.

After spending months sorting out dhs uncles house I'm on a de cluttering mission..
Its been so stressful and physically hard.
We are going there again this weekend to try and get the last things packed away. Its been 8 months of this.
He fancied himself an antiques collector - I've seem the original receipts and hes lost money on everything.
The auction house won't touch most of it as its mahogany furniture and horrible clocks...there's just no market for any of it
More baffling is his huge collection of dinner services - wedegewood, spode etc - he didnt cook and never hosted.
He also never cleaned so everything has a sheen of grease and dirt on it.
It's hard, dirty work and we feel very annoyed that we have to deal with it.
I don't want to leave this mess for my kids 😕
Its also just really sad...a lot of his stuff has just been binned...no one wanted it.
Upholstery didn't have fire certs, loads of nasty, chipped glass picked up at car boots (he went through a real phase of doing that..)
As a family we've tried to keep a few pieces as a remembrance but tbh its left us all very fed up.
We all work, have families and responsibilities.
He point blank refused all offers of help, would not have a cleaner, and after a horrible accident at the house (he tripped on a rug we begged had him to get rid of) he spent his last 2 years in a home.
Its pretty depressing.
Dh and I have wills and poas sorted.
I've already started sorting and getting rid of stuff.
Dh not as on side as I'd like, but I'll make sure we sort the loft next!
I'm very grateful to my mum that she moved to a ground floor flat and was never a hoarder.

My children are very young and I'm still in my 30s so it's a while away yet but I work in social work in elderly care so it's no longer something I fear and I'll do what I can to make things as easier for my loved ones but I'm also pragmatic and know there are a lot of things that will be out my control.

I'll have wills and power of attorney sorted out. I have an aversion to clutter as it is but when I am older we may downside (our house is small as it is). I'll have open and honest conversations with my children and should there be a need for me to have carers or for me to go in a care home, I want them to know I am happy for these things to happen and I want to ensure things are as stress free as possible for them. I'll ensure money is out aside to pay for things like a cleaner, gardening, shopping etc.

But I know what the current reality is of elderly social care. I see many people say they want their children or family to just dump them in a care home and just forget about them. I don't want my children to just forget about me the minute I need support but I've also seen how broken and pushed to the limit supporting elderly parents and I want to do everything in my power to make it as easy for them. I know care homes have strict criteria and that I can't just be shipped of there the minute I'm in need of the slightest support.

Because of course I didn't have children to care for me before I'm accused of this but its inevitable they will be somewhat involved such as making decisions around my care. Of course I don't want them to be my actual carers, or give up their jobs or move in and they may not even live near me! But hopefully if I have let them know my wishes and have things in place, they can make decisions guilt free.

May I ask please, as a social worker, do you think there is any hope of a decent old age for someone who has no children and no other family either? That is what I will be facing.

Like you point out, many people seem to just assume they'll move to a nice care home whenever they fancy it, but I know that the criteria for entry is strict.

My current plan is to move to a retirement village local to me. It offers independent living, just with services you can buy in on site (e.g meal deliveries). Within the village (and on the same site) they also have supported apartments (which offer some care) followed by full on residential and nursing care, if needed. Apparently they assess your needs regularly and you transition through the different levels of care as and when needed.

For the independent living you can enter from 55+ and the only criteria seems to be that you are healthy enough and have sufficient money to pay the fees (which are quite considerable).

@Utopiaqueen Apologies, I forgot to tag you in the above.

I completely agree. For many people on here their only plan for old age is "to go to dignitas" or "take matters into their own hands". Anything to involve carers coming in and going into a care home.

And something happens like a fall, or stroke, or brain tumour or just the human nature to survive is strong and people don't want to leave their family. And then they end up needing long term care yet their family are completely burnt out and at breaking point, trying to keep them at home as their parents have made it clear to them how much they don't want to be in a care home.

Yes of course. I meet with plenty of people who don't have family. There are some aspects that are undoubtedly easier with family and in many cases families especially those with multiple children, can actually hinder a person's care due to family disagreements over care etc.

I've seen people appoint people such as good neighbours, family friends as POA and if these people don't want to take it on then solicitors can step in or social work can take over guardianship. It certainly isn't the catastrophe you've built it up to be.

The most important thing about though living well when older isn't about having family etc, it's about living well NOW and enjoying life. Yes it's important to plan but not at the detriment of living your life before reaching old age. Life is for living and despite what you read on here, there is plenty to be enjoyed about life now and experience. And I've seen plenty people live happy lives in Older age and even thrive when move into a care home.

Your problem isn't a lack of family, it's the relentless obsession of old age. My best advice would be to you would be to seek some sort of intense therapy to sort these obsessive thoughts.

That should say avoid carers not involve them!

I almost wish I didn’t have DS. I am so worried that he might end up having to do what I have done for my DPs. Due to endometriosis he too is an only DC.

I can understand the worry but none of us know the future will hold. You may not even need care or even the same level as your parents. And I have met only children who have found caring for their parents hard of course but also easier in some ways as they can make decisions themselves without having to consult multiple children. I've come across some absolutely hellish situations of large families having all sorts of awful fall outs.

And things are changing all the time. Who knows what AI will do for the future of elderly care. Maybe it can help in this area (though don't ask me how. I'm not an expert in it!)

No, quite the opposite: I have a child for whom I have to be alive and healthy for as long as possible I can be. I literally won't have the luxury to go into a care home, neither my offspring is the type that they will ever send me - we are foreign so we prefer suffering alone and at home if we must, but keep our dignity.

I remember my late Father saying to me when I berated him on the state of his house rammed full with junk that he needed to get a grip of it.

He said it clearly worries you more than it does me. Its such incredibly selfish, self absorbed behaviour. I also told him that carers wouldnt come into what was a very dangerous place. We arranged for the fire service to come and have a word with him and he chucked them out. Would only speak to them from the front door.

In the end when he needed to go into a home I tried with a few relatives to get things to the tip ready to sell the house but it was hopeless. Luckily he had enough money to pay for professional clearance. They told me it wasnt the worst but pretty bad. They took over 1 week with van after van coming.

Apparently some people hoard dead animals - he hated all pets so he didnt have any but of course we found the usual mice and rats situation. How he slept at night I have no idea.

I have a friend who is a District Nurse. She said about 80% of the houses she goes into (rather deprived area with often overcrowding) are in a real state. No cleaning is ever done. Bed sheets are never changed. Toilets are never cleaned or although occasionally people claim they throw some bleach down.

Not my parents but the awful shock loss of relatives in their 30’s (husband and wife). There was no will, no arrangements and it was terrible to work through in the midst of grief. No kids thank god.

We have all got our arrangements in order as a result.

OP - this is an interesting thread. Lots of lessons leant from my parents and, as I have no children/partner am already thinking through options based on these. I am 55.
My parents did some things right - straightforward wills, open about financial arrrangements and financial POA in place. Probate was a doddle even with a house sale (no need solicitor). They weren't hoarders but there was a lot of clutter to clear which has prompted me to declutter (and abandon plan to board loft). Really just made me realise just how worthless most of our stuff is.
The main two lessons for me were a) the differences maintaining cognitive resilience and physical strength made. Dad who read extensively and stayed very active withstood illness and old age ao much better than mum who lounged on the sofa eating sweets and watching game shows. Chalk and cheese - I'm planning to engage a personal trainer for strength training. b) when you hit 70 it is a lot harder to make major changes so I will aim to have everything in order by then including moving to age friendly accomodation (prob flat in centre of town).

Completely agree with you. My elderly parents are still hill walking (and drinking too much imo) in their mid 80s. They have a wills folder and that's it.

I feel life's too short to start planning the end of mine in my 50s but we did do our wills when we became parents in our 30s.

I expect I'd feel different if I'd had elderly relatives who had had very long, lingering illness.

I think, for those saying life is too short to plan and to think about this, the planning includes preparing yourself physically as well as all the "nasty" bits like clearing out stuff and making plans for safe living in the home.

I don't know how I will feel when I (hopefully) get to my 80s or later BUT I can prepare in other ways. I am now actively looking at the physical and health stuff (although I can only do what I can do, who knows what will happen to us all).

I came home from looking at so many care homes for MIL, got into my own bed and looked around and my bedroom and my comforts and was so overwhelmed with how awful it would be to be placed in a clinical room with no lock on the door, not many of your personal things, no privacy and strange people coming in and out of your room.

For me, the planning is more for my kids I guess as this whole process has been awful. We've left MIL in her home until now (she is 90) and then BAM almost overnight she is a HIGH risk of harm in her own home.

sorry ..rambling

That's life I guess, and if you have children, it does unfortunately mean that one day they will likely have to go through it themselves too.

I think though we need to reframe care homes as these awful places where people are just left to rot, as places that are actually necessary for both the health and wellbeing of both the individual and their carers.

I visit many care homes in my role and of course some are better than others. But I've seen so many people stay at home with four times a day care (the maximum amount we commission and usually the same with most local authorities) and no overnight care when it is clear as day this level of care doesn't meet their needs and then families are left completely burnt out trying to cover the gaps, just to avoid their relative going into a care home.

Yes we'd all love to stay at home as far as possible and going into a care home is a massive emotional upheaval for everyone involved. But it is usually for the best. And far from being strangers, I've seen family members class build strong relationships with the carers in these care homes, class them as "family" and even go and visit once their relative has passed away. I've seen individuals thrive in care homes, they don't feel isolated as they make new friends within the home and also activities to join in. And some of these homes aren't clinical and rooms can be made to feel homely.

Yes some places aren't great but some are and can provide a real lifesaver for families and individuals. And it's sometimes unavoidable that we have to go in one and sometimes a lot easier on families than them trying to keep a loved one at home when their home can no longer keep them safe.

Thank you for this insight. Although I don't have much experience in this area, I can definitely see how care homes can be positive environments. There was a report published last year called 'Six ways that care homes support older people to thrive' which was good to read and very informative.

I can only hope that those not planning on any accommodations don’t get dementia- mostly for the sake of their DCs. It’s all very well saying I don’t want carers or a care home - yuck - my DCs will care for me/I won’t get dementia because I do wordle/ I will take myself off to Geneva at the first sign of decline, but the reality is we’re living longer so a greater percentage of us will lose our mental faculties regardless of what we thin will happen.

Its a horrific illness to have to manage as an adult DC and the things my DPs had done in advance which made it easier to manage was power of attorney set up when they were in their 70s, wills kept in a clear place and bank accounts and savings rationalised and listed. Things they didn’t do was downsize - and to be honest they didn’t really need to as they had a downstairs bedroom, declutter- not really an issue it all went to the clearance company bar paperwork and photos when they went into the home as they are both past being attached to possessions. The couple of things that would have made a great difference and wouldn’t have had a huge negative impact on their earlier lives was to get a walk in shower installed a few years before they needed it, and got some paid help in the home in the form of a cleaner so they were used to the concept of having someone in and paying for it.

DH’s Nan was determined to stay in her home as she got more and more frail and kept having falls. Initially she turned down any help as told hospital etc that her family would look after her (without telling her family that is what she had said, they were surprised she was discharged without a care package). MIL and siblings were run ragged (we lived too far away to help). After next discharge they overrode Nan and said she had to have care package. She got frailer and had more falls but was determined to stay at home. She then had a fall as soon as she was discharged from hospital so went into care home for 6 week respite care. She loved it. She was able to join in activities and had company, whereas some days at home she would just see the carers when they came in twice a day. She wished she had gone in sooner. She didn’t go back home