Has dealing with elderly parents made you plan for old age?

[myislandhome]

We have just started the process of trying to place MIL in a nursing home, after deciding she is no longer safe at home. She has been difficult (as you would be), although she has resisted even at the stage where we were trying to make her home safer. Massive stigma/resistance about a bed downstairs or having cares in etc

This has really made me think about a few things

1. How it's so different to when her and FIL's parents were old, they just got placed in any old nursing home and that was it- you go where you get. Now we have done about 20 visits, are on waiting lists etc etc. But that's just an aside. Also, why didn't they think about this for themselves when they put their own parents in care and went through all that??
2. How I don't want this to be an issue for my kids when I get older

Although I am a fit and healthy 60 I've been thinking about this; how we will prepare ourselves for the future so our own kids don't have the constant fear and guilt that we will be at risk at home and not knowing when the "right time" is (sometimes until it's too late).

We live in a regular 3 bedroom semi and I would have absolutely no issue with putting a bedroom downstairs should the time come and if stairs are a danger (2 reception rooms helps). We have a downstairs loo but are considering putting in some kind of shower facility (not care home style, a nice one but that could work for us later as well).

I guess we are lucky that we have the internet (in laws in their 90s have never used it) and can order groceries etc.

I'd also consider downsized retirement living, although I totally understand people who want to stay in their own family homes. MIL has done this but it's like all of a sudden it's become too late to make her safe (she declined very quickly).

I do realise it would be a different kettle of fish if someone had dementia, I'm just talking about old age and frailty.

Anyway, I'm rambling but I guess I'm asking if the experiences everyone is having with elderly parents has made them consider their own futures and if you have started to make any contingency plans?

I have no idea how to solve the PoA issue either. No children, only child so no nieces or nephews or extended family either 😔

Solicitors can be POA.

Is that any better than letting medical professionals or social services deal with things which is what happens when there is no next of kin anyway?

Would a solicitor want to get involved in arranging someone's personal care etc? Would they be the best person to organise things?

@Badbadbunny I assume better for financial side of things. DH as an accountant is POA for a client but they have complex finances

my mum and I are wondering about this at the moment.

She still lives in her own home at 75 and manages without any help other than one of the local lads that comes to garden every so often.

She’s beginning to find the stairs difficult as her mobility has worsened, but other than that, she’s in pretty good health.

The thing is, it’s difficult to know what to do for the best. She’s very pragmatic and open to options having seen other friends and relatives be dogmatic. But neither of us really know what is the best. Does she move to a bungalow in the local town? That would solve the stairs problem, but she doesn’t really have a community in that town and everyone she knows is in her village. Also, the bungalows are really expensive because they’ve become so sort after. Or does she go straight into some kind of assisted-living Flat? We’ve looked at McCarthy & Stone but it seems like a bit of a con.

The long and short of it is, even with a sensible and pragmatic older person it’s actually quite tricky to figure out what is for the best! Goodness knows what it must be like with someone reluctant

There's another, mostly US-based, group called "Elder Orphans" that has advice for preparing for growing old without familial support.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1656225097964645

It's made me realise just how difficult it is to put anything in place.

The main thing you need is someone to advocate for you. To 'fight' for the things you need, be that medical, financial or care, and if you don't have (or want to burden) a close relative, I don't know how you arrange it. It's not something you can pay for, as far as I can see.

As I said upthread, everything we've put in place for my dm has been too late to be much benefit. If your mum is 75 and talking about a move, I'd really recommend helping her while the momentum is there. Moving at 75 means she has choices. Leaving it til say 80 and it becomes just too big.
Good luck!

My plan is assisted dying and honestly I'm secretly annoyed with my parents that they haven't pursued the same. I don't see the point of dragging it out and making everyone around you as miserable as you are.

I’ve worked with thousands of elderly people and I think I’ll aim to get into my last house (other than a care home if I need it) by the age of 70. Out of the people I’ve worked with the ones in the smaller and more suitable homes seem to have a better quality of life than those with lots of empty rooms living in unsuitable accommodation.

I am similar age OP and yes because of our experiences with elderly parents we are very conscious of how we manage aging ourselves.

First of all we are saving as much money as possible - always have done - because money does make a lot of stuff easier. We are lucky we can do this.

Second, I think the most important thing is to realise as you get older things will change - there are things that you can't do anymore but with luck there will be plenty of things you can do so focus on that. I try to remind myself of that a lot. One of the most successful older people I know (she is 99 now) said to me years ago when her dh had to stop playing tennis which was a huge part of their lives - and also step down from their fab home to a more suitable one "well dh has had to put away some of his toys but he has plenty of other toys to play with" I hope I have that attitude.

On a practical level we age-proofed our home when doing a renovation years ago. We also have done our POA and Health care proxy and we have talked to our children about these things.

At the moment we are making sure there is one file with everything our children will need to manage/administer our affairs. List of solicitors and accountants. List of bank accounts/savings accounts/retirement accounts and life insurance policies. Notes of where deeds to house/cars are. Passwords for everything. Notes on how the house works - like how to pay bills/pay taxes etc. Dh is dealing with his mother's affairs now she is in a nursing home and it is a nightmare - deeds missing, tax info missing, title to car missing, no note of passwords for bank accounts, no proper file with important documents. It is taking so many hours of DH's time that should not have been necessary.

@ByNimbleGreenFinch is there any way your mum's house could be adapted so she could live downstairs if necessary?

DH is 12 years older than me and just hit 60, so its brought a lot of this into sharp focus.

We have wills and POA / LPA in place and have a box of documents with info on bank accounts, holdings etc, and have nominated each other for social media contacts etc. We haven't discussed it properly, but when DS finishes secondary school in 8 years time it'd be the ideal time to move house to something more practical. Currently live in a terrace that's had a loft conversion so it's over 3 floors and the stairs are a bastard even now!

We live in a well served area with buses, small parade of useful shops etc, so I want to stay in a similar location. Seeing my mum through years of illness and now my dad and the in-laws, my key takeaways are make the accommodations whilst you can - i.e. fit walk in shower, grab handles etc if you're having work done. My ideal would be to move to a retirement type village in a completely independent flat or similar, but the charges and issues selling on has put me off

Unlike all our elderly relatives, I have no issue with the concept of using mobility aids and getting help in, if it means keeping independence and being at home whilst possible.

My biggest concern is healthcare advocating. Given our age differences, I expect DH to go before me, and I don't want to burden DS with it if it's just me left. However, after many stints of looking after our elderly relatives, I am very aware that unless you have someone who can bat your corner, the level of care you get is very different. I'm also aware that having POA isn't a magic bullet - its another layer of admin etc on top of having to deal with practicalities of ageing parents and juggling your own stuff

What have you witnessed happen to those who have nobody to 'bat their cornrer'? Sadly that's the situation I will be in and I am scared 😔

@Strawberriesandpears do you have no family or friends at all?

I definitely won't have any family as an old person (only child, no children). Hopefully I might have friends, but they could well be the same age as me.

Yes.

I have already given financial POA to both DC for both of us (they are young adults).
I've made it clear we will be moving to a smaller, lower maintenance house when I am 70. With a downstairs bathroom & a room that can be converted to a downstairs bedroom if necessary, and easy access to to shops, doctors & hospitals.
I am on the brink of retirement and am also looking into an annuity which will pay out for care costs so my DC don't have to make difficult decisions when the time comes.
I will also leave a letter making all my wishes absolutely clear should my health decline sharply.

No. My mother was quite well for her 92nd birthday and died after a fall and short illness 5 months later. Like a third of us she didn’t need a care home and just had a couple of weeks care at home in her last months.I feel very guilty indeed about trying to persuade her to move “somewhere sensible” when all her happiness had been in the house she moved to in the50’s when she got married. We all gave her a hard time over healthy eating when she more or less lived on baked potatoes, cake and fudge for no really valid reasons.
I wish I could say sorry now.
I have no intention of spending my last years death cleaning,putting up with “carers” or making lists of my assets. I hope my children will continue eating drinking and making merry with us while I tell old age to piss off and buy my clothes in All Saints. They will inherit a sizeable sum and I’m sure they will accept with good grace that they will be the ones chucking my stuff in the skip and dealing with the admin involved.

Yes. My parents moved to a village after retirement. It had no shops and a bus service that went once a day. There was no bus route to the GP two villages away. They said it was fine as they both drove. Then over time they both stopped driving and became reliant on neighbours. I lived 4 hours away. Their bedroom was upstairs and though eventually Dad slept downstairs, the shower was upstairs. All a bit of a nightmare.

I have tried to forward plan. We have moved to a village that has shops and a GP, currently in walking distance, though probably not when we get to the tottering stage. We renovated our house so that we already have a downstairs bedroom with an en suite with level access shower. We've also tried to make the garden low maintenance.

I took an elderly relative to buy a mobility scooter last year. I was pleasantly surprised how easy the process was and how easy they are to drive. I am determined to get one too if I reach the tottering stage. I'm looking forward to zooming around the neighbourhood!

I've moved to a bungalow because I have problems with stairs due to vertigo.
I have no family in this country so no one to do PoA. I have autism support workers funded by social services - maybe the support organisation could do PoA?

Having recently gone through (still not completed), I’m going to do my own/dh urn selection and columbarium location.
My DB and I spent significant time on this. My mom had hinted which helped but didn’t follow through.

We put some planning in place, but there is more to be done. We bought our house in our 40s as part of our future proofing - it has a downstairs bedroom and downstairs walk in shower and loo. We can effectively close off the 1st floor of the house and live downstairs. I declutter regularly and fought hard with DH not to board the loft, even though he put a hatch and steps in - he has very mild hoarding tendencies and I knew it would end up a dumping ground if I let him (he has 3 sheds instead!)

I have an old fashioned passwords book that DD knows about (even though almost everything is on my phone) and folders of the initial documents from taking out insurances etc so they should be easy to navigate.

DD has been told very clearly if we lose our marbles she is to put us in a care home without a second thought - neither of us want her to provide any care. We've seen what that did to DH's sister with their mum and we don't want that for DD.

We need to update our will once DD has finished uni and at that stage I want us to simplify our finances as well. I'll think about POA stuff at that point.

We have looked at converting the garage but it would create a really strange layout on the ground floor. It’s an option but would be expensive to do and I don’t know if it would ultimately damage the value of the house

I know so many people who have struggled to find the deeds to their family home. They're not all digitised and often the paper copy is the only copy, this seems to be the case with houses bought pre 1990, which is probably most elderly people who've stayed put for years. I just say this to warn people as Santander were chucking title deeds back at homeowners a while ago. Major stress when a house has to be sold to fund care.

MIL is very academic but has always lacked common sense and that makes her also really stupid, it’s an odd mix. Her house is cluttered and her paperwork is not in good order. She was divorced from FIL and he was the same, they didn’t find his will till 4 months after he died as it was in a random draw or box. My parents were well organised. Our paperwork is in a huge filing cabinet itemised and in date order. We are decluttering now and have been since after Christmas. She is a hoarder, I think at least six skips will be needed for throwing stuff out. To be honest it’s rage inducing just thinking about sorting out her crap after she dies. DH emptied most of one of her huge sheds last year as he stayed with her for a few weeks when she was ill. It involved getting rid of hundreds of newspapers, old cleaning products she had bought and stored and that had started to leak and deteriorate and other stuff. He returned to her house recently and she has filled the shed back up again.

He has given up attempting to get her to get rid of stuff. She has always been and remains a very selfish women who expects everyone to sort out stuff for her and do things for her all the time. She was like this when I first knew her and she was younger than I am now.

No friend you could ask? My stepmother was POA for a friend of hers who had no close family.