Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

[Wheatlands]

My mother, aged 97, is currently in a high care unit that she was sent to after spending three weeks in hospital with pneumonia. When my husband called yesterday to ask about the plan for mum, the nurse said they are still giving her antibiotics, and she is having 'mobilisation therapy' and then they will be looking into her discharge. From what the nurse says, they intend to discharge her back to us, but with more carer visits. Before she went into hospital she had one carer visit a day.
Both my husband and I work fulltime. I work from home, but for 10 to 12 hours a day teaching English online and I risk my work if I have to leave a meeting to care for mum.
We have cared for her for 12 years, with her progressively needing more and more care. She falls often and I can't lift her on my own. She is incontinent and even with the nappies, needs a lot of cleaning. She needs attention during the night.
We are both completely exhausted - I have been battling a viral chest infection since before Christmas. I feel completely terrified. I don't want her to come back because we just can't cope any more. There is no other family help available.

Do I have the right to refuse to have her back?

I'm sure this can be the case but it has not been my experience either.

Edited to add: certainly it's true that you can't assume good care will be provided just because you are paying through the nose.

Care home is best for both of you, you won't have the big impact and she will receive good socialisation and rehabilitation. If she has no funds, the local authority will fund it, this will limit your care home options though as not want local authority occupants as they pay dramatically less, most have a certain number of beds they are willing to give to local authority,
Lost can bend this rule if they want so it won't hurt to be pushy

@Wheatlands The Care Assessor would tell you that because they absolutely will try to persuade you, ANY WAY they can to take her home again. They will put you under enormous pressure to give in. You will need nerves of steel to refuse to do so, and don't let them guilt trip you - but You have every right to say that she cannot come home because you cannot look after her any more/properly and to send her home would be an unsafe discharge.

Do NOT even think about temporarily taking her home, 'while they sort something out' because if you do that nothing will happen. They are so overstretched that if you do, she will go way back to the bottom of the pile of cases and she'll never get admitted

And Yes - if she has no money, then the LA will need to pay if she needs to go to a home.

You need to speak to the discharge team at the hospital and say that you are refusing to have her back home as her needs are too great now. They should then liaise with the local councils Social Services hospital discharge team who will speak to you. An assessment should be done for her care needs to decide if it's a care home or a nursing home that she needs. If she doesn't own a property and has minimal savings then the council should fund her placement. They may try to say that the family need to pay a top up but you can refuse to do this and they have to come up with at least one affordable home. She will have to contribute something from her weekly/monthly income towards the cost of her care-social services or the finance team at the council will do a personal budget for her.
We have just gone through this with my mother in law (although she didn't live with us but with her niece who said she could no longer cope) and she was discharged straight from hospital into a nursing home.

If it’s your home, you can say you are unwilling to house her. It’s harsh but she needs more care than you can provide.

That sounds like a good result then @Wheatlands .

You are absolutely important and whoever said you’re not should be sacked. Just had a similar situation with my Mother in law. You can 100% refuse to continue caring for her.
The Local Authority do have a duty of care and will carry out a means test to understand her ability to pay or not.
You should have been offered a carers assessment as soon as you started looking after her. Is she on Attendance Allowance?
Your position is you are facing crisis of care and carer breakdown if you have to continue.
This situation must be resolved before discharge! Under no circumstances should you accept a discharge into your care until Social Services has properly assessed.
Section 9 of the Care Act 2014 informs that local authorities must: carry out an assessment of anyone who appears to have needs for care and support!

You haven’t mentioned if your mum has dementia … I may have missed it ….but what does she want/ expect?

@Wheatlands sounds like you have things sorted but otherwise this may help:
www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/money-work-and-benefits/when-the-council-might-pay-for-your-care/

And what about the last 12 years eh? @Buzyizzy21 Thats how long OP has already been caring for.

Oh btw I await your petition to get Carers Allowance raised as this is obviously a passion of yours. Link please!!!!

Unfortunately you have been sold a load of codswallop by the assessor. Yes your mother is front and centre of the care plan but not at your expense. You can (and should by the sounds of things) refuse to look after her. Cash strapped councils will try every trick in the book to get out of paying for care and manipulative techniques such as this are horrific for those on the receiving end. Good luck and big hugs as this decision will not have been an easy one for you x

Depends what the circumstances were of her coming the the UK from SA. Sounds like she's not entitled to benefits if your husband gives her a 'pension'. She could be considered your dependent in these circumstances and your financial responsibility. You'd have to get a social care assessment which would include finance.

If she is a British citizen the local county council will have to fund her care in a care home. They will take whatever income she has from any pension or state pension into consideration and pay the rest. You have no obligation to look after her, the care assessor/social worker is talking nonsence. If you have any problems contact your local MP- it works wonders!

Please ask the hospital to do a social services referral asap for your Mum. Any carer who deals with this level of care will tell you that you are not their carer you are their loved one and it is important to keep that definition.

No your not. Her needs have increased to more than u can safely manage, there are some good long term placements available. Quality of time far outweighs quantity, and resentment or further illness is not what anyone wants or needs

Absolutely you can refuse to have her back. Social Services will pull every trick in the book to get you to do it but stick to your guns. Assume your mother receives state pension so that will be taken towards her care but beyond that the local authority is responsible.
I was being pushed to care for my father after my mum died. I flatly refused and they found him a care home pretty quick! Sounds harsh but I had health issues and could not have coped with him.

You can ask for a carers needs assessment, your needs are assessed independently to your mothers.
Yes you can refuse to have home, ask to see a social worker asap about your options they will hopefully be able to help you. Hopefully she lived in your home and not you in hers as this might change things . Start with the place she is in now ask to speak to the nurse in charge of her care they know who to contact and will get the ball rolling.

The OP cannot offer the care required

"For you it's about balance. Don't be pushed into anything you don't want, and defo don't agree to anything "for a trial" or "short term" because you will struggle to reverse it later."

This is so true.

Did you bother to read the thread?

Not as demeaning as shitting on yourself or on the floor, I can tell you. I don't know what you know of the reality of caring for an incontinent older person but it seems like very little. Carers in a home will deal with these needs in a way that is beyond OP.

I agree with you. I we looked after my mil in our home for 13 years until she died at 92. She used to go into respite care for 4 weeks every year.
There wasn't a big choice of homes that would take her because of her dementia and but we did find a few eventually. one was council run, and the other 2 were private.
A week in the council one nearly killed her. Not only was she not encouraged to eat and drink but she wasn't given her medication including insulin and her bottom and vulva area were red raw because she'd be left in dirty incontinence pants for long periods. I ended up having to call an ambulance a few hours after she arrived back home and she was in hospital for 3 weeks.
In contrast, when she had respite at the private homes she came back well nourished, she was clean and her medication was up to date.
I made an official complaint about the council home who denied not giving my mil her medication. they back tracked when I showed them the full and dated medication pods and full insulin vials that I was given back when I picked her up and said that it was an oversight and mil didn't tell them she was on medication.
I filled all the forms in and listed her medication on admission. my mil was 10 years into dementia and didn't know her arse from her elbow

Very kind of you to offer to take her in and do the caring.

@gamerchick that was my thought too !!