Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

[Wheatlands]

My mother, aged 97, is currently in a high care unit that she was sent to after spending three weeks in hospital with pneumonia. When my husband called yesterday to ask about the plan for mum, the nurse said they are still giving her antibiotics, and she is having 'mobilisation therapy' and then they will be looking into her discharge. From what the nurse says, they intend to discharge her back to us, but with more carer visits. Before she went into hospital she had one carer visit a day.
Both my husband and I work fulltime. I work from home, but for 10 to 12 hours a day teaching English online and I risk my work if I have to leave a meeting to care for mum.
We have cared for her for 12 years, with her progressively needing more and more care. She falls often and I can't lift her on my own. She is incontinent and even with the nappies, needs a lot of cleaning. She needs attention during the night.
We are both completely exhausted - I have been battling a viral chest infection since before Christmas. I feel completely terrified. I don't want her to come back because we just can't cope any more. There is no other family help available.

Do I have the right to refuse to have her back?

Stay strong @Wheatlands - it is absolutely your right to say no and social services cannot make you have your mum live with you or make you meet her care needs. Keep us posted with how you get on.

What sort of monster would say this about their own parent who has lived in the same home for 12 years??? She’s a human being, not a fucking stray dog.

OP, do NOT say this at the meeting - you’ll come across as deranged!

It’s her mum’s home and has been for 12 years!

sadly it may be the only way to get SS to do what they should.

She was staying there. Hasn't paid anything towards it. No tenancy agreement or lodger agreement. Mother has zero come back. Even if it was on her best interests but it sounds like it is not

OP is being realistic as she can't meet her needs. Unless @Soontobe60 has some solution no one has thought of

The OP doesn't have to give a reason why her mother can't stay with her. She only has to say no, end of.

Unfortunately it may have reached the point where the OP needs to be brutal because if there is any way they can discharge her with a care package that is what they will do

Agree.
Do not attend the meeting.
These people are often bullys.
They see your mother as a bed blocker.
They don't care about her and they certainly don't care about you.
By engaging and attending that meeting you are accepting responsibility and you will be surprised at how deeply unpleasant they can be.

Recently at such a meeting my friend and her husband asked to record the meeting and they were rudely refused.
They got up and said if you aren't prepared to be recorded then we will not continue.
They ceased taking calls since.

This was on the back of her husbands colleague being very upset after the rudeness of one such person on the phone about her FIL.

Her husband travelled for work and he had given his wife's number as next of kin for his father.
She blocked the number and when she was called again from another number she just hung up.

OP, you have done your best for 12 years.
Time now that your poor mum was in the hands of professional carers.
Time for you to be very firm.

Cancel that meeting.
I'm so sorry things are so hard.
Remember it is not personal, they really do not care, sadly your mother is just a number to them.

Don't go to that meeting.

That meeting is all about pressuring you into having your mum in your home.

Under the Care Act 2014 duty is placed upon local authorities to identify those with housing and care and support needs and to provide services to support housing and care and support needs.

That social worker saying they've done a care and support assessment (as per the Care Act 2014) and found your mum to have nil needs is a tonne of bull.

Has your mum had OT assessments yet? If yes, what do the OT assessments say? Abc who made the referral to social services? If your mum had her own home I'm fairly sure that there would be a different outcome from this assessment since yhd home would be used to pay for card support needs.

Let your mum block the bed and health and social fight it out between themselves as to who is funding what.

The second you allow her back into your home you will be stuck (with less than adequate support) until the time comes when she's back on a bed management/patient flow discharge list.

She would not come across as deranged at all. OP can no longer care for her mother so what do you think should happen?

My Mum’s GP told me to make it clear that I wouldn’t and couldn’t care for Mum because it was what would have been best for her. I presume that makes him a monster does it?

I was in this situation a while ago. DM actually lived with my sister in a different county and was visiting us when she was admitted to hospital. I loved her dearly but DH and I both worked full time and had three young DC. I felt terrible but I ended up saying that if they tried to discharge her to us I would refuse to open the door. Eventually they arranged ambulance transport to another relative who was able to give her the care she needed.

I cared for my DF for a lot shorter time that you have and was at breaking point. 12 years is a very long time to care for an elderly relative.

💐

She will be eligible for funding if she has eligible care needs (make sure you read the criteria and make sure you can prove she meets this). She doesn't have funds above the threshold (I think it's £24,000 or thereabouts).

Her needs will be better met in a care home. I can't believe you have been doing all that for 12 years with one carer a day for help, it's disgusting how carers in this country (and most countries) are treated.

If I needed help with continence care, I would never ever want my grown up children to help, I would want them to have lives of their own.

Someone who loves their parent more than anyone else in the world, and knows how their parent can be best cared for, in a home.

It only seems monstrous if you don't have a clue what you are talking about.

Can you get someone independent to accompany you? And do ask about recording. They seem from up-post and my experience to have a ruling about not recording - it was like holding a cross up to a vampire. It was in my house, so I broke their rules anyway secretly. Stick to your guns. You have done 12 years and you won't be able to lift her.
Thinking of you. And all the other care slaves.

Absolute bastards.

My MIL has 4 care visits a day. It only works - just - because she is bed bound and in nappies. So the carers clean her, occasionally hoist her into a chair and then back again and prepare her basic food. It's pretty awful.

Good luck, Op.

@Soontobe60 one has to wonder why you want a "deranged monster" caring for an elderly lady 🤔

You have completely missed the point of my post

I have been in a very similar position with my stepfather who happened to be in hospital when my DM died suddenly. The discharge team wanted to send him home with 4 carer visits a day - he clearly couldn't manage. I followed the appropriate procedures - insisted on having a best interests meeting, stated how he would be in danger if sent home and that the family were not able to meet his needs.
Thats the line to take - not ‘I’m refusing to have her here, in her own home.

Yes you can but they need to do a care package and find a place so tag everyone in the email. The hospital ward and adult social services.
Asap.
It takes time as ss are slow.
Also don't beat yourself up ok.

Having just been through this with a doubly incontinent, bed bound relative the phrase you need is 'carer breakdown' under no circumstances accept your Mum back to your house.

It was a 24 hour job and I am still broken 6 months after she died.

but its not her own home.

Either don’t go to the meeting-tell them you’re not because you can not and will not offer care. They need to find her assisted accommodation.
if you do go then broken record. It takes two qualified staff to transfer and mobilise her. It takes two qualified staff to provide intimate care. I can not and will not do that. You need to find her assisted accommodation

And-it is not her home.

The words you needs to use are “best interests”. It’s not in her best interests for you to follow this line because she needs full assistance of qualified staff. In order to safeguard her you need to fine her a nursing home.