Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

[Wheatlands]

My mother, aged 97, is currently in a high care unit that she was sent to after spending three weeks in hospital with pneumonia. When my husband called yesterday to ask about the plan for mum, the nurse said they are still giving her antibiotics, and she is having 'mobilisation therapy' and then they will be looking into her discharge. From what the nurse says, they intend to discharge her back to us, but with more carer visits. Before she went into hospital she had one carer visit a day.
Both my husband and I work fulltime. I work from home, but for 10 to 12 hours a day teaching English online and I risk my work if I have to leave a meeting to care for mum.
We have cared for her for 12 years, with her progressively needing more and more care. She falls often and I can't lift her on my own. She is incontinent and even with the nappies, needs a lot of cleaning. She needs attention during the night.
We are both completely exhausted - I have been battling a viral chest infection since before Christmas. I feel completely terrified. I don't want her to come back because we just can't cope any more. There is no other family help available.

Do I have the right to refuse to have her back?

You need to talk to the social worker. Emphasise the need for care in the night, that four care visits a day isn't enough and it's not safe as you aren't available during the day due to work (it's irrelevant whether you're WFH or not, you're not available) or at night because you need to be asleep!

I would absolutely use your recent chest infection as a reason not to have her back home initially. Don't be pushed into a "trial" with carers at home. She needs to go to a care home for an assessment period. Watch out for her being suddenly deposited back at your house by ambulance!

She really needs to go into a care home, OP. FWIW my mum told us that if she ever became incontinent she would rather go into a care home than have us care for her. I think you need to speak to them at the hospital and say she can't come home. As for that person who told you your needs don't matter, well, shame on them. That's a disgusting thing to say to someone.

no, my mother has not owned a home in the UK and did not gift us the home she owned in South Africa. It was sold to provide her an income and when that money ran out, she moved in with us.
We rent our home here and she has been living in the lounge because the upstairs is unsuitable, so we don't have a lounge to sit in either

Agree, tell anyone you have conversations with that you cannot and will not have her back.to your home. Push back on their terms, you are no longer able to meet her needs, so she needs to be looked after somewhere else.

Be strong.

If your mother is not a co-owner or tenant of your house, neither she nor anyone else can insist on her living there.

Of course you can! Tell them that you cannot accept your mother at your house, and start researching care homes (initially for respite, and then on a permanent basis).

The council will have to pay if she is assessed as needing care. But there will be no choice of the home she gets, or if it is nearby.

It sounds as if you have already let this go on for too long.

Even an assessment for the most amount of carers is given I would have thought you'll find it impossible to need to do nothing for her between visits.

It should be about what is best for her & if you can't give her the care that she needs then it's obviously a care home that is needed.

@Wheatlands you just say to the hospital that she will not be coming home to you. If she has no money then her care will be paid for"

Is she a UK citizen? Can she claim recourse to UK funds? Asking as it sounds like she only gets a Sth African pension and you are having to top this up.

Does she get a uk pension ? Are the council obliged to pick up the tab for care for people who haven’t paid anything in ? You need to speak to the care manager in charge of her case @Wheatlands and see exactly where you stand .

Yes, your mum has no legal right to live with you and it sounds as if you are at the end of the road with it. If she's self funding you can find a care home that she's as happy as possible to live in. If not, talk to social services.

You need to have a meeting with the ward manager and tell them she cannot return to your home. Say she needs assessing for a care home.

They won't want this option as it causes them much more work but you are fully entitled to insist and refuse her coming home to you.

The social worker for the ward will do a joint assessment with nursing and a care plan going forward will be drawn up.

They will want your input. They will put a lot of pressure on you to take her. I'd say don't engage or, take someone strong with you.

They need to do a financial assessment for her in her own right, as if she has assets or savings she will be self funding her care.

If she can't self fund then social services pay for funding and they find her a place.

They will want you to do this and that means the care home has you signing as guarantor for funding. Say no.

Hard path ahead. Keep strong.

We have had a great aunt in this situation recently and after much insistence, social care did place and did fund.

Keep saying that you cannot have her back. They will have no.choice but to put her I to a state funded home. We went through similar, they kept asking and pushing, until they gave up.

Of course you can say no

Loads of people say no

They'll find a room in a care home as soon as one is free and they'll take her there

Yes the government will pay for it as she has no savings or property

The hospital are CF and know all this but it's easier for them to send her to you to deal with

Keep refusing

yes, she is British. She gets a SA pension, and she gets Pension Credit here

This.

They will push you hard and use all the tricks in the book including guilt as I understand it.

You have to hold firm.

Your 'needs' might be irrelevant but nobody can force you to have another adult living with you, for any reason. It doesn't matter whether the adult happens to be related to you or not.

Tell the hospital she needs an urgent referral to the social worker as you can't have her home. Then once she is referred they may send her to an interim bed whilst a permanent bed is sourced. Just keep saying that you can't have her back and she needs a social worker.

You need to tell the staff this will be an unsafe discharge, your renting, there's no room, it's not suitable, they can do a home visit, she will need a full care assessment, a financial assessment and a capacity assessment, do you have power of attorney, does she have capacity. If she needs a care home then either she if she has capacity or poa or social worker act in her best interests

It is not in your mum's best interests to be cared for by you. You do not have the skills, capacity and equipment to keep her safe and healthy.

I think you are advocating for your mum by refusing to accept her back into an unsuitable environment.

You love her and you want the best for her.

You say no to them, you stand firm, and you liaise with Social Services about a care home.

Your needs are important too.

You also do not have to permit them access to your home to check if it is suitable or not. They don't get to decide that she comes to you - even if you had a dedicated accessible bloody annexe!! You can and should repeat "no" to everyone who suggests.