Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

[Wheatlands]

My mother, aged 97, is currently in a high care unit that she was sent to after spending three weeks in hospital with pneumonia. When my husband called yesterday to ask about the plan for mum, the nurse said they are still giving her antibiotics, and she is having 'mobilisation therapy' and then they will be looking into her discharge. From what the nurse says, they intend to discharge her back to us, but with more carer visits. Before she went into hospital she had one carer visit a day.
Both my husband and I work fulltime. I work from home, but for 10 to 12 hours a day teaching English online and I risk my work if I have to leave a meeting to care for mum.
We have cared for her for 12 years, with her progressively needing more and more care. She falls often and I can't lift her on my own. She is incontinent and even with the nappies, needs a lot of cleaning. She needs attention during the night.
We are both completely exhausted - I have been battling a viral chest infection since before Christmas. I feel completely terrified. I don't want her to come back because we just can't cope any more. There is no other family help available.

Do I have the right to refuse to have her back?

Just a note to say l could not care for my mum anymore after she fell and went via hospital to high dependancy rehab unit. She had Alzheimer’s , was violent , fell over a lot and wandered off if she could get out . She couldn’t do anything for herself and was unhappy and either shouting or crying . I juggled work and family and just couldn’t care for her 24hrs a day in the way she needed. I felt awful but she was part council funded / nhs funded due to her needs and spent the last 4 years of her life in a lovely home. Don’t feel guilty .. there’s no point ..and it’s a strength to bite the bullet and do the most sensible thing. Good luck .

I agree with this poster. Start by contacting council re a care home and benefits to cover care home charge. If her savings are below £42k and no property she will be entitled to have fees paid. Care Home would be best especially if your mother is frail and likely to fall. My father in same situation and he paid care home fees until savings went below £42k then had benefits agreed to pay care home fees of £1100 per week. He is being very well looked after and very happy where he is. He always said wouldn't go into a home but at 92 and prone to falls it was best option.

The two with POA have the final say. Is the other POA in agreement with your husband or against?

You are unable to provide the level of care she needs. Don't feel this is about being selfish or not wanting her around. You need to get the best possible care for your Mum. Of course they want to just discharge into your care - that's the quick, cheap option that frees up a bed. She will need to stay put until somewhere providing adequate full-time care can be found.

Or mine.

In this case (where a person has no assets) it is the duty of the Local Authority to pay, although they may ask for a contribution based on her income, unless your mum is eligible for CHC (Continuing Health Care) funding due to having high care needs, especially any at night. It's worth checking out the NHS Decision Support Tool online to get a feeling on where she might sit and whether to push the Social Worker to request a DST meeting.

Your family's income is not relevant, it is only your Mum's that is taken into account.

As previously advise, get the hospital to request a Social Worker asap.

Luckily she doesn't have a key, she has not been able to go out without us for the past 3.5 years.

So what? You wipe your kids arses for a couple of years. OP has done this over a decade, she's paid her dues.

Or are you offering to take over?

Oh bugger off with your stupid emojis. You have absolutely no idea what it's like to try and be two people at once. OP has been trying to be a full time carer on top of working a full time job, it's not possible. What's appalling is people being put in this situation and having to beg for help.

Have you cared for an incontinent older relative?

@Buzyizzy21 I have reported you. Please give it a rest. The poor OP has gone above and beyond for her mother over the last 12 YEARS and cannot manage any more. To be in a care home would be best for the mother as well. Why are you trying to cause distress?

Well that's a load of crap! How manipulative and pressuring. It of course impacts you and your family. Don't bend to there will, do what's best for you. Sounds like you have done more than enough and are exhausted as it is

We are in Scotland so it might be different if you are elsewhere in the UK. We spoke to the nurse and explained we couldn’t look after Mil and the hospital arranged a visit with a social worker to assess Mil. It was decided that she needed nursing care, and we got a list of places to visit. Some have waiting lists but we were lucky that a space was available at a place that was perfect for her. The council paid it but she only got £32 a week from her pension the rest went to the council.

I’m glad this all worked out ok, but what would have happened if all the potential homes had waiting lists? Would she have stayed in hospital and become a bed blocker?

Yes she would have blocked a bed. She needed nursing care so could not have came to us even if she wanted to.

she has memory loss and has become very child like, but not dementia. She has said she doesn't want to be a burden, and would prefer to be in a care home

An update: the 'kind' social worker sent me an email to say my mother doesn't have sufficient care needs and that she is ready to come home.

The reality is that she is still incontinent, still unable to walk unaided, still unable to get out of bed by herself, still unable to get to the bathroom without help etc etc. When I was visiting her, she wanted to go to the toilet and the nurse said she would have to wait because two nurses had to help her move - they are not allowed to lift a patient alone. My mother weighs 50kg, so she is not huge.
But somehow, they think that it is ok for me to do all those things alone!

We have a meeting on Thursday where I will have to dig in my heels. In the meantime I am not sleeping and very emotional ... I just can't wait for the meeting to be over (although it might just be the first...)

I'm no expert, but if the purpose of the meeting is to pressurise you, then surely the meeting just needs to be declined as your mum is now homeless? Shut this down ASAP.

Another option OP, if you do attend the meeting is take someone with you. Also have a long list of the issues you have- needing 2 to stand/walk to toilet, feeding, toileting, memory loss etc etc.

I cannot care for her. Rinse and repeat.
I know the pressure they will put on you and they'll try and make you feel like the worst childoin the world, but you are doing what's best for your dear mum. Hold firm op xxx

"We have informed you that since X date she is no longer resident here and is now therefore homeless. There will be no further discussion on the matter of her living with us"

^^ This.

You might have to disengage from the agencies in order to force the issue.

Remind them that you can no longer provide care for her.

Don't go to the meeting. Especially if you would have had to rearrange work to go.

Remember, will of steel. They will really start to ramp up the pressure now. Especially if they sense weakness and emotions.

If you can't cope, don't go. Definitely don't go alone if you do and become a broken record. They will try every single trick in the book, including making out you don't have a choice.