Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

[Wheatlands]

My mother, aged 97, is currently in a high care unit that she was sent to after spending three weeks in hospital with pneumonia. When my husband called yesterday to ask about the plan for mum, the nurse said they are still giving her antibiotics, and she is having 'mobilisation therapy' and then they will be looking into her discharge. From what the nurse says, they intend to discharge her back to us, but with more carer visits. Before she went into hospital she had one carer visit a day.
Both my husband and I work fulltime. I work from home, but for 10 to 12 hours a day teaching English online and I risk my work if I have to leave a meeting to care for mum.
We have cared for her for 12 years, with her progressively needing more and more care. She falls often and I can't lift her on my own. She is incontinent and even with the nappies, needs a lot of cleaning. She needs attention during the night.
We are both completely exhausted - I have been battling a viral chest infection since before Christmas. I feel completely terrified. I don't want her to come back because we just can't cope any more. There is no other family help available.

Do I have the right to refuse to have her back?

The issue is they will send staff in 4 times a day for all personal care, but the OP needs to decline this offer and stand her ground.

This is when you have to stand your ground and harden your resolve. Reply to the social workers email to say that your mother cannot return to your house, you can no longer accommodate her and can no longer be her carer.

Reply to say you have made your position very clear - she can’t return to your home. Then don’t go to the meeting. They can’t force you. They need to find somewhere for her to live. Just tell them you need to be kept updated with plans so you can bring her clean clothes etc and continue to visit and maintain your mother-daughter relationship (ending the carer-cared for)

She needs to be really clear with the hospital and social care that this is the situation. No point in pussyfooting around as they will keep pushing and pushing for OP to give in.

Apologies, I wasn't trying to be flippant or facetious - but what I meant is, if the OP offers/hints at any sort of solution, which doesn't involve social services sorting it all out, they will jump on it.

If social services had responded in any reasonable way to the OP's concerns, she wouldn't have to. Unfortunately, this is likely to be the only language that they will listen to.

There are 60 beds blocked at our local hospital because of this issue, and a queue out of the door in A&E.

That Covid vaccine mandate for care workers coming back to bite! 40,000 left the profession plus the ones who left in protest at the way their colleuges were treated.

If they are so keen on sending her out with 4 times a day carers rather than a nursing home at 97 then they need to find her an over60 place to live that has extra care at this level - they won't find one I bet!! So why should it be down to you - I'm afraid you are going to have to come over very hard on this to actually act in her best interests

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2025/01/20/chris-whitty-sceptical-mandatory-covid-jabs-care-workers/

You email back OP, that "I have made it clear that it is not in my mothers best interests to return to MY home for care.
I am unable to provide the care necessary.
I will not be attending any meeting to discuss something that is NOT happening".

Op, I had lunch two days ago with a friend who was promised the earth re 4 visits a day for her parents. What materialised was 2 brief visit for barely 15 minutes in the morning and late afternoon.

She and her sister, both working 4 day weeks are broken from this.
She has huge regret and they are now seriously looking at withdrawing care.
They bitterly regret allowing both parents be brought home after they both had flu last November.

Send the email.

Op
Hope you got your point across today. Even if you were prepared to it really sounds like it's not in your mother's best interest to come back to your home given the level of care she needs .

"Op, I had lunch two days ago with a friend who was promised the earth re 4 visits a day for her parents. What materialised was 2 brief visit for barely 15 minutes in the morning and late afternoon".

My experience re carers is very similar. Relatives were promised much but received very little. There was no night time care provided.

Our relative did receive carers 4 times a day - well when they decided to show up that is and sometimes they did not. They stayed for a maximum time of 15 minutes and were out of the door in 10. They had barely enough time to get our relative dressed, let alone fed, before they had to move onto the next person. Due to said lack of time her medication got messed up and that caused her harm. And ALL but one of them was entirely useless. I do not necessarily blame them as individuals but they were also barely trained and employees of the exploitative "care" company they work under.

@Wheatlands hope today’s meeting was ok.

Clearly said my someone who has luckily never been in this position.
our Services are stretched and underfunded. There is not the support op needs to care for her at home. Social services just want her off their list in a quick cheap way and bullying the carer works. Using emotional language such as yours leaves carers on their knees and suicidal.

@Wheatlands how did it go if it did go?

The services always take the patient's needs first. In yoiur case, yoiu can't meet her needs. If she falls and you can't pick her up then that's pretty pointless. If she is 97, I presume you are in your 60s or 70s which is an excuse on its own. The authorities will be pressuring you, don't give in. Tell them you would be frantic with worry. I gave just been through this too with a MIL who is 96. She was determined to go on livingalone but had so many falls that she agreed to go into care. She accepted that we weren't physically up to dealing with her.

The services always take the patient's needs first. In yoiur case, yoiu can't meet her needs. If she falls and you can't pick her up then that's pretty pointless. If she is 97, I presume you are in your 60s or 70s which is an excuse on its own. The authorities will be pressuring you, don't give in. Tell them you would be frantic with worry. I gave just been through this too with a MIL who is 96. She was determined to go on livingalone but had so many falls that she agreed to go into care. She accepted that we weren't physically up to dealing with her.

Hope you are ok @Wheatlands.