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Elderly parents
Original poster

Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

369 replies

Wheatlands · 07/01/2025 10:26

My mother, aged 97, is currently in a high care unit that she was sent to after spending three weeks in hospital with pneumonia. When my husband called yesterday to ask about the plan for mum, the nurse said they are still giving her antibiotics, and she is having 'mobilisation therapy' and then they will be looking into her discharge. From what the nurse says, they intend to discharge her back to us, but with more carer visits. Before she went into hospital she had one carer visit a day.
Both my husband and I work fulltime. I work from home, but for 10 to 12 hours a day teaching English online and I risk my work if I have to leave a meeting to care for mum.
We have cared for her for 12 years, with her progressively needing more and more care. She falls often and I can't lift her on my own. She is incontinent and even with the nappies, needs a lot of cleaning. She needs attention during the night.
We are both completely exhausted - I have been battling a viral chest infection since before Christmas. I feel completely terrified. I don't want her to come back because we just can't cope any more. There is no other family help available.

Do I have the right to refuse to have her back?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 21/01/2025 10:45

Dotto · 21/01/2025 10:28

"We have informed you that since X date she is no longer resident here and is now therefore homeless. There will be no further discussion on the matter of her living with us"

This is probably your best bet.

Floralnomad · 21/01/2025 10:47

I think I’d go with the pp answer that your mother is homeless , hence they need to find her somewhere to live . Do not concentrate on her care needs as they will just say they will put in a package of care at your house . There are numerous doubly incontinent , immobile elderly people living alone / at home with care packages . Maybe speak to CAB about how you officially evict her from your home

Thursdaygirl · 21/01/2025 10:54

I'm no expert, but if the purpose of the meeting is to pressurise you, then surely the meeting just needs to be declined as your mum is now homeless? Shut this down ASAP.

This is good advice. Don't engage.

BourbonsAreOverated · 21/01/2025 10:57

I am really sorry you’re going through this.
I’ve experience of this, differing illness and circumstances, but ultimately the same result. You’re going to have to put that hard shell on and flatly refuse in the meeting. It’s what is right for your mum, but you’re going to feel horrid doing it and saying it. I found not thinking of her as my family helped emotionally.

social services are so stretched they have to push it back on you due to funding. her care needs are only going to get higher so the earlier address this the better and it is easier from the position your currently in rather than if she was home and your appearing to “cope”.
basically you have to force their hand.

good luck and I’m sorry

BigAnne · 21/01/2025 11:02

@Wheatlands Do not give an inch on this. They'll offer all sorts of support at home, but I'd shut the conversation down.

StrongasSixpence · 21/01/2025 11:10

Agree the meeting will be highly pressured, emotional and ultimately pointless since you cannot agree to have her home. Best bet is like PP to email and say she is no longer resident with you and is homeless. This will feel horrible but is ultimately in your mum's best interests.

DarknessBecomesMe · 21/01/2025 11:24

Wheatlands · 07/01/2025 10:35

We can't afford to pay for a care home, and she has no funds or property to sell. I agree though that she needs to be in care. Is the council obliged to pay for her if we can't?
I was told by the care assessor who came about a year ago that what is important is my mother, not us. The care plan is based on what is best for her, and our needs are irrelevant.

It sounds that you are no longer able to provide the level of care that your mother needs. So take this 'assessor' at their words and insist that the care plan for your mother absolutely prioritise her needs to ensure that she gets the level of care that is best for her in an appropriate setting. Sadly, that setting is no longer your home.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/01/2025 11:51

StrongasSixpence · 21/01/2025 11:10

Agree the meeting will be highly pressured, emotional and ultimately pointless since you cannot agree to have her home. Best bet is like PP to email and say she is no longer resident with you and is homeless. This will feel horrible but is ultimately in your mum's best interests.

Absolutely this, though it won't be viewed as "pointlesss" from their point of view as they'll be eager to trot out all the usual assurances to get DM out of there and make her someone else's problem

As mentioned earlier in the thread, the very fact OP had to ask if she could refuse suggests she has little experience in dealing with these things, and it'll be spotted like a shark smells blood and full advantage taken

Much better not to go at all, and simply hand the whole issue back to them to solve - not only in OP's interests but those of DM too

MrsBobtonTrent · 21/01/2025 11:51

Don't go to the meeting - it will be a circus of guilt and empty promises of support. Reply in writing that she doesn't live with you. The care needs are irrelevant and if you say that these are the reasons she cannot stay with you, they will promise all sorts of care packages to "make it possible" that will invariably not materialise. They need to find somewhere for your DM to live and arrange care for her. Don't be amenable or helpful or a stopgap while a better arrangement is found. Far far better for your mum to be blocking a bed in hospital (which will sharpen the minds of hospital staff and social care dept to find something) than that your mum languishes in your home with all the impetus on you to find a solution.

Be blunt, clear and unavailable.

Floralnomad · 21/01/2025 11:55

@DarknessBecomesMe as far as SS are concerned a bed bound person can stay home alone with a 4x package of care , therefore she could go back to the OPs . That is why the OP needs to make it clear that her mother is homeless and hence not her problem . The fact that the OP won’t provide care is irrelevant to SS

Tubetrain · 21/01/2025 12:01

Wheatlands · 21/01/2025 10:16

An update: the 'kind' social worker sent me an email to say my mother doesn't have sufficient care needs and that she is ready to come home.

The reality is that she is still incontinent, still unable to walk unaided, still unable to get out of bed by herself, still unable to get to the bathroom without help etc etc. When I was visiting her, she wanted to go to the toilet and the nurse said she would have to wait because two nurses had to help her move - they are not allowed to lift a patient alone. My mother weighs 50kg, so she is not huge.
But somehow, they think that it is ok for me to do all those things alone!

We have a meeting on Thursday where I will have to dig in my heels. In the meantime I am not sleeping and very emotional ... I just can't wait for the meeting to be over (although it might just be the first...)

Show quote history

Don't go to the meeting. Reply to the email to say that she is not able to return to your house as it isn't safe and you won't be entering into any further discussion on the matter.

Dotto · 21/01/2025 12:02

Any further discussion on the matter will be regarded as harassment, etc..

Smokesandeats · 21/01/2025 12:24

Dotto · 21/01/2025 10:28

"We have informed you that since X date she is no longer resident here and is now therefore homeless. There will be no further discussion on the matter of her living with us"

This 💯

Porcuporpoise · 21/01/2025 12:24

They will try and get you to take her home with the promise (and quite possibly the reality) of 4x care visits daily. Unless you think that's fine (imo your mother's care needs have gone way beyond this) then you need to be absolutely adamant that she cannot have a home with you. Can your dh go to the meeting with you to back you up? Or yes, confine discussions to email.

Nevergettheusername · 21/01/2025 12:49

Dotto · 21/01/2025 10:19

I'm no expert, but if the purpose of the meeting is to pressurise you, then surely the meeting just needs to be declined as your mum is now homeless? Shut this down ASAP.

Edited
Show quote history

This

Your home is not your mums home, its an address she was staying at. Tell them you will arrange a travelodge room is she has no cate needs then and see if they still have same plan. At the very least she sounds like she needs some kind of sheltered accommodation if she hasn't got care needs. I am typing this bluntly so that it comes across, this all too often falls on women…

Nevergettheusername · 21/01/2025 12:50

Definitely confine discussions to email and do t have phonecalls

venusandmars · 21/01/2025 12:57

WoolySnail · 21/01/2025 10:24

I cannot care for her. Rinse and repeat.
I know the pressure they will put on you and they'll try and make you feel like the worst childoin the world, but you are doing what's best for your dear mum. Hold firm op xxx

Agree with this.

Do not get into discussion of any of the details (e.g. needing 2 people to support / lift her) they will only promise solutions that are unlikely to materialise.

venusandmars · 21/01/2025 12:59

Dotto · 21/01/2025 10:28

"We have informed you that since X date she is no longer resident here and is now therefore homeless. There will be no further discussion on the matter of her living with us"

This too.

pollymere · 21/01/2025 12:59

I agree that you just need to say no at every turn. She will need to be a "bed blocker" until SS sort this out.

It is not your problem and they have no power over you. Of course she's your Mum and you love her. But this actually means you might have to be hardhearted and cold in order to get her what she needs. SS can find support but they like the easiest option full of promises that will never actually happen.

I had this situation with a family member who once they declared themselves homeless suddenly got all the care support and benefits they should have been able to have when they lived with us. All the promised carers, home helps and respite care never happened prior to that.

Nevergettheusername · 21/01/2025 13:00

I too have experience of this unfortunately. My mother in law got stuck for three months in hospital and there was a family member there everyday for three months. We actually did want her home but it was the opposite, tehy wouldnt let her.

The simular bit is we went in one day and found out from the tea women that she was being discharged to a care home that day. They didn't even have the decency to let us know they were so rushed an uncaring. I bared the door to her room in the hospital until they met with us to give us a chance to at least view and pick the home we thought was right for her and within her budget. We had been there every damned day so we were available, the irony is she got stuck because of their paperwork trail behaving like a tank..slow and immovable, then suddenly they were ready and showed no care and consideration

ss was working as it should, you could have her home and then find accommodation for her yourself, but as people have said you may get stuck

ThejoyofNC · 21/01/2025 13:02

Best of luck for the meeting OP. Do not compromise, they'll promise you the world and will NOT deliver. Your answer is no, you will not be having her back to your home. Just keep repeating it.

Lunde · 21/01/2025 13:18

Be firm OP - make it clear that she is not coming back to your home, she is homeless and that the discharge is unsafe.

NowYouSee · 21/01/2025 14:07

I would be loathe to attend this meeting. At best it will be upsetting. I would probably do as other suggest do make clear email she is homeless.

If you really want to go I would

  • email in advance to say she is homeless, that you are happy to attend the meeting on the clear understanding that this is to discuss alternative care arrangements only as her coming to the house you/partner own is completely off the table
  • reiterate that at the start of the meeting
  • if they bring it up as an option (they will) reiterate again not up for discussion and that you will leave the meeting if raised again. This meeting is not about her living with you, it is about suitable alternative arrangements.
  • if they raise again leave and ask for it to be minuted that is because you are feeling undue pressure and harassment
  • before the meeting practice the phrases you will use in the meeting in a mirror
Nannylovesshopping · 21/01/2025 15:19

They will promise wonderful care packages just to get you to have her in your home, they are liars, this does not happen, they just want her off their hands, stand strong!

Thursdaygirl · 21/01/2025 15:22

Your home is not your mums home, its an address she was staying at. Tell them you will arrange a travelodge room is she has no care needs then and see if they still have same plan

Please do not offer to arrange a Travelodge room!!