I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

No they got the wrong area despite me giving them my address. She was just out of the catchment her house is ten mins up the road!

The problem is I need DP here to help me with the kids, I have a condition called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome where I dislocate joints and suffer with clonus & shakes. I cannot always do my child's insulin injections due to this (my child isn't old enough to do his own injections and will not wear a pump but that's another story!). It flares up when I'm mainly cold and stupidly I've been sleeping on the air bed in the lounge and it's been getting freezing in here even with the heating on at 23! Also sleeping on the air bed has caused my joints (from years of dislocating) to go stiff.
I need my bed back but even then I now need to buy a new mattress before I can even sleep on it as she's peed my bed and it's gone through the waterproof mattress protectors as she didn't tell us, till this morning.
It's all just one giant fuck up.

I would present at a&e if you get nowhere with other services. She may have an infection that’s making her act this way.

@RubyRedBow I'm having a shower this morning, when I can get up 😂 this is what I mean by a giant fuck up.
His whole family know of my disabilities, my kids disabilities, and yet it's been let's let Mrs & mr christmasgrinch sort mum out!

Oh love - ok. Well the one thing you can do is order the new mattress now. If it arrives early you’ll get sleeping on a mattress on the floor and not on an airbed on the floor. Do you have room to put it against a wall during the day if you moved some furniture around?

This morning, keep going. It might be the weekend but there will be out of hours stuff and I’m sure Macmillan must visit over the weekend.

This ! We went through a similar situation with my sister. From A&E she was admitted to a hospice. Sending you hugs OP, cancer is brutal xx

I've got the district nurses phone number so I'm going to start pestering them soon.
I've ordered a new mattress but due to Christmas it's not coming for a week & a half! 😂 it's like life wants to screw with me.

So sorry !
Very little to add except air mattresses notoriously cold.
You need as much between you and mattress as possible.
Could you order cheap single electric blanket from Amazon ?
Failing that, hot water bottles.

On Wednesday you posted about her sudden decline in cognition and have also mentioned her both not being able to pee and then bed wetting. I'm not getting at you personally OP but this woman should have been medically assessed days ago. I realise your thread is more about her end of life care needs but she is presenting with classic uti symptoms and needs an urgent assessment.

Slightly different circumstances but it was my dad with advanced Alzheimer’s. Very long story short. I rang adult social services and gave them a deadline and he went into emergency respite, this took about two weeks though of constant assessments and calls and being absolutely adamant I couldn’t take on 100% responsibility and he couldn’t stay here long term.

the emergency respite was then considered for permanent care in a care home when he sadly passed away.

you have to refuse to care for them, and say they will be going home alone, mum would be coming to me and it was a massive safe guarding fail on their part.

worst time of my life as I was also caring for mum at their own house who had had heart surgery and couldn't have him back as she couldn’t care for him any longer.

The help I got from Carers.org forum was to stand my ground with social services and refuse any responsibility which was heart breaking, but you have to do it (even if you would probably never leave them alone).

my dad was the loveliest man alive, I felt I had failed him. You have enough on with caring for your children.

This is an excellent point

Slightly different circumstances but it was my dad with advanced Alzheimer’s

I also had different circumstances with my DM with Alzheimer’s, I phoned Social Services Monday morning saying it I couldn’t do it any more and they had a place for her in a psychiatric unit the next day.

I has to really lay it on thick, describing her laying in her own urine as I wasn’t equipped with being able to coax her out of bed and that she was starving and I couldn’t get her to eat.

OP you need to keep phoning, every half an hour if that’s what it takes, this isn’t the time to be passive. Your DC needs to take over today and you look after yourself and your DH. The doctor said to me who will look after my DC if I become ill caring for my DM?

Agree with @colesr This isn't just about care needs, this is about completely unmet medical needs as well.

District Nurse may realise this but fairly often they just get into providing equipment or giving pain relief without asking for a full assessment of what is actually going on medically. Equally asking social services for respite won't solve the issues of pain and confusion either.

Also being out of area complicates things hugely - District nurses, community palliative care, GPs will absolutely not see someone out of catchment.

Ive told her if she doesn't go to the toilet within the next hour im ringing an ambulance and she's just going to have to go into hospital and stay there till she has full around the clock care sorted. I was probably a bit blunt but she needs to understand.

District nurses aren't even sure when they are coming out just that she's on their rounds today. told them I'll ring every 30 mins if I have too!

To be honest, hospital might be the best place for her at the moment. The situation sounds like it has gone way beyond what you can (or anyone) can reasonably be able to cope with. She needs urgent medical attention ❤️❤️

Keep posting, you are not alone and some posters have given excellent advice

She isn't a toddler who 'needs to understand' she is a seriously unwell adult with a sudden drop in her cognition which means she needs medical attention asap. Even if she does wee within an hour she still needs to be seen.

You need to get her to A&E

And then walk away and let them contact social services. Visit once she is sorted. it shouldn't need to come to those but over the weekend nothing will happen and your health matters too.

I agree with 999 at this point. You have a pallative care patient who despite involving GP and a nursing team still has unmanagable pain.

I'm so sorry that this is still ongoing. Also EDS is really great and I am shocked that the family have dumped this on you.

From her weight and issues with peeing, she may not have very long at all. It's just a shame she's not sleeping and the brain mets are messing her thinking.

You're doing the right thing. I hope she can be admitted today.

You have had multiple replies, telling you to phone an ambulance which you still haven't done.

You are choosing to allow your MIL to stay where her needs are not being met.

Services are so stretched, they know your MIL is safe as shes with her son and his family. So frankly, she is not a priority. YOU and your husband need to make this an emergency situation so services act.

I am telling you this as someone who works in adult social care. You and your husband are failing a very ill woman by not getting her into the hospital and into the right care setting.

Back off. I understand why you’re saying this but we are not there, or as sleep-deprived, in pain and stressed as the OP is. You could have been clear about this without telling her she is “failing” her MIL. Remember how easy advice is from an armchair

District nurse did the grand total of FUCK ALL.
Said they'll visit her once a week.

Told them she's in my bed, she's wetting the bed, she can't do the stairs so stuck on the top level, not eating.

"She's not there yet with help of carers or Marie curie night time carers even in her own home."

Offered MIL the services of the OT. SHE SAID NO.

My SIL hasn't even left home yet it's a 3 hour drive, fucking attempted to drop her home and drive myself off a cliff.

I think @safetyfreak is right. OP has been posting for days and everyones replies says her DH needs to step up and get medical care. For a whole host of understandable reasons OP is struggling and is finding making a decision difficult. Some times people in this situation need to be told it is good to call 999 and that’s what they should do. Things aren’t as obvious when you’re in the situation.

@safetyfreak I bet that made you feel so good telling someone as desperate as myself that I'm failing her. ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR YOU.

I appreciate this is a massive problem and you need it to be resolved ASAP, so I'm only saying this as a tiny stopgap. Is it worth getting adult nappies for her so the cleanup is easier?