I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

I found Macmillan a total fucking waste of time. I am still bitter at how shit they were. Maggies Centre was way way better.
Hospices have criteria for who they admit, most people who are dying will not get a place. Your MIL may be eligible, but don't assume she will be.
It sounds like SIL is coming up to see her? You get your DH to take the MIL home and tell SIL he will meet her there. And tell DH not to bring MIL back to yours as you can no longer cope. They have to sort out what they are doing about her care.
In terms of what happens to others, most seem to manage at home somehow, and then get admitted to hospital, and die there. District nurses only seem to come in when it is getting very close to the end, before then if she needs help it has to be carers.
She will be entitled to PIP and if someone has less than 6 months to live, all you need is a letter from a Dr etc saying this and the form is easy. Or of older Attendance Allowance.

Just to add - re-admissions to hospital are very common in this situation.

People (both patients and relatives) take on more than turns out to be doable, palliative patients change very quickly to a stable situation becomes unstable, what seemed to be working in hospital suddenly doesn't, community services don't kick in fast enough...

Loads and loads of reasons. It doesn't imply a lack of love or care from the relatives who usually have really struggled at home.

In your situation OP, does your MIL actually have capacity to make her own decisions? I've had some run ins with district nurses (apologies to any DNs reading, you do a tough job) when a patient has looked very convincing and declined treatment but actually on deeper questioning didn't have the first clue what they were on about.

It’s surely not that difficult to call for an ambulance?

@TriangleLight It kind of is. It will mean waiting up late into the evening or early hours of the morning, plus deciding who goes with her.

@ChristmasGrinch24 sorry but bundle her into the car and drop her off at take her to a/e!!! this is ridiculous!

Even the sister is coming till 10pm she expects me to put a palliative care patient who is blind in one eye & can barely stand in the car at fucking 10pm.
Then had a go at me for not sorting his mums dogs today sorry I was waiting for the district nurse for her mum.
Jesus Christ. I've told partner if this isn't sorted by tomorrow afternoon I'm getting on a train to my parents and I ain't coming fucking back.

Phone 999

This is cruel not to

If SIL is coming at 10pm then it will be sooner than an ambulance. I would just wait.

It would be better to call an ambulance now. Please just call. Would it be helpful to talk through why you don’t want to?

OP what is DH take on this? What does he think needs to happen?

You really have a DH problem and it may well be she’s got a uti - classic sign of confusion.

Hi there
You have been amazing. Call 999 and get her to hospital. She needs checked up on. It should be a huge thank you to you from everyone around you!

It’s not amazing now, it’s a safeguarding issue

You’re making empty threats at this point. I don’t want to be harsh but you’ve been saying for days that you’ll sort it that day and then you don’t.

Just take her to hospital like multiple people keep telling you. It can’t be nice for her to be around people who don’t want her to be there.

and she needs medical treatment ffs. @ChristmasGrinch24 get her to hospital

She has been checked on? The district nurse saw her!

You said she did fuck all

Did the district nurse take a medical history, do a physical examination, come up with a differential diagnosis, order tests and create a comprehensive holistic treatment plan?

Or just do some basic obs?

You said no one had checked for a uti? The woman is incontinent, confused, and miserable. For goodness sake call an ambulance

i despair

I'm so sorry you are going through this - I have a family member who had brain Mets who recently passed and I am lucky enough they were in the hospital/aged care as no way I could've provided what they needed at the end.

I'm not in the uk so can't help with health care advice but I think if you can I would call an ambulance and hopefully once she's in the hospital they will sort her into a more permanent solution.

Would she wear adult diapers? My family member had to wear them as they were barely mobile and couldn't get to the toilet in time.

It's concerning she's not taking the steroids - they would be helping the inflammation in the brain. Is she on anti-seizure medication?

Take her to the hospital and leave her there? Explain she’s not eating or drinking. You are not her carer.

or take your kids and go stay with your family

you Need to take action

You sound at the very end of your tether . This sounds harsh , and some may say I'm being cruel . But could you tell her immediate family ( daughter plus whoever is ) that they have xxx time to come and collect her or you will take her to a & e with a note in her pocket of her condition or medication in her handbag , or wait until she is triaged give her name but not yours and say due to uncaring immediate family not wanting her she is now their concern and you then walk away .
Surely she will then be put somewhere ?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We felt similarly abandoned when my dad was end of life - couldn’t get any help.
Then my uncle suggested we call the local hospice and ask about their ‘hospice at home’ service. We did and were lucky, they were amazing. Came straight out, cleaned him up and made him comfortable, sorted out morphine when we hadn’t been able to; and made regular visits to care for him. They were so helpful and kind.

She obviously needs to be moved to a hospice for the good of all of you, but it might be worth seeing if your hospice has a team like that who’ll come and get the ball rolling - I didn’t know they would just come out like that.

Hi @ChristmasGrinch24 I'm really, really sorry you're going through this - doing end of life care for my husband, difference is it was actually planned not thrust upon you - which is a world of difference.

You've done amazingly to sacrifice so much to try and do the best by everyone as far as possible, and you know it's not working, and I know you're trying!

The people I've found most helpful by far are the hospice - do you have a hospice contact near you, or near your mil address.

If it's near your mil, I would phone the hospice to organise some short term care while she is at her own home - you can have sensible and realistic conversations with them.

I have been there with confusion, Incontinence, pain management as my DH has brain cancer (and also refusal of everything going!) if you want to pm me please go ahead.

No anti seizures. Shes now on one steroid a day.
Her daughter was supposed to come last night to give us a night off and have her stay at mil house but instead choose to kick off at me & hasn't come as she wanted to get her out of bed at 10pm when she could barely walk to the toilet (12 steps) let alone down stairs, out the door into a car and god knows what else!
No it's not a UTI. People need to stop obsessing over that as it's not helping, she has brain mets which cause confusion.