I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

I would contact the medical help asap, wetting the bed and the rapid confusion indicates a urine infection

From your posts it seems that this latest deterioration is very sudden and you're overwhelmed. She's not your mother, but neither your DP or his sister are prepared to talk about next steps.

This means there may not be a plan of support for your MIL. You have two choices, either let the situation continue and you'll be resentful and it won't change and you'll have to do clean up. Or you can call the GP/hospital/social services and arrange care. In my experience once you say she's at home with stage 4 and deteriorating they will arrange things. You can ask for a hospital bed and nurses to come in daily.

I don't think her families capable and while you do the cleaning up they're not motivated to help. And I don't think you're aware of the support that is available.

Also call Macmillan and ask them what you can do.

I think you need to ask her GP to urgently refer her to palliative care. And when you speak to them you need to tell them you can't cope any more. That's what my mum had to do to get my dad into a hospice.

They should have referred her already but so many people fall through the cracks.

I think a few separate things need to happen. 1st social services, for her and also for yourself. I'm not sure what role macmillian do in your area, but get them out again. Also 1st thing in the morning contact GP and ask for urgent visit, that sudden change could absolutely be something reversible eg infection that needs antibiotics, hypoxia that needs o2 and nebs or u mentioned steroids, does she have a brain tumour? Sometimed steroids just need increased to mange swelling. Lots of things to be looked into. Please, please insist your dh steps up.

She most likely (pretty 99 percent certain) she has brain mets on her brain. But we're awaiting CT scan results that will take a week or so.
Shes refusing all steroids this might explain why she's so bad?

That’s harsh. Have a terminally Ill family member be turfed out at such short notice?!

Thanks for the replies, I woke up late this morning after dealing with hypos with my diabetic son through the night & up and down helping his mum. DP hadn't even got the dc up for school. This is the icing on the cake.
Today I go on the war path. This isn't practical or fair on anyone, including his mum she deserves better.

To a hospice or care home where they can get thex24 7 care they need

This is crazy. Your dh needs to step up. He needs to ring her GP and sort a hospice bed.

You don't deserve this but neither does your mil.

Your dh is a selfish twat.

it sounds as though she has a delirium probably due to a urinary tract infection. I’d ring the GP or 111 as a matter of urgency, and the Macmillan nurse and social work.

If you can’t get immediate help from her GP, social services or McMillan then next time she is delirious/confused call 999. I very very rarely say call an ambulance, but new onset confusion is considered a medical emergency, and the paramedics may be able to initiate an immediate response from services that you can’t get at so easily. (Ambulance family here). And if they think she’s not safe at home they will take her to hospital, which sounds likely to be the safest and best place for her at the moment.

What, after 6 on an evening, when the poster says throw them out the same night? Not sure there would be any care home or hospice which would take them at such short notice on the same night.

Do you have a partner?

She most likely (pretty 99 percent certain) she has brain mets on her brain. But we're awaiting CT scan results that will take a week or so.
Shes refusing all steroids this might explain why she's so bad?

She needs to be seen by a medic ASAP. You can't just decide it might be this/that and wait a week.

You poor thing, this is too much for anyone. I hate it when others stand by and watch you crumble, people who are meant to love you. I agree with others about social services. Sending good energy to you

Agreed

Totally agree with this. Once in hospital you can ask for a referral to the hospital social worker for a Care Act assessment and explain that you can no longer manage her care at home and she cannot return to either her own home or to yours. But you have to stand firm and not be guilt tripped into taking her. She will likely be discharged to a nursing home and be provided with the care that she needs. She will be further assessed for long term placement once there and be at least entitled to funded nursing care. If she is deemed to be end of life, she should get Continuing Heathcare funding.

I couldn't just send her home like that I'm not a monster.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this awful position of an ill elderly relative and no support.

However It's good she still has her own home.

And yes what I am about to suggest may seem heartless and mean.

You will now know that you should never take an aged frail relative into your house without a clear plan of who provides the intimate care they often need. That there should be a care package in place, ready to roll as soon as they walk through the front door.

So you're playing catch up and yes you have to play hard ball - with both social services and your DH.

Here's what you do - make contact today with social services. Explain you have an elderly frail relative temporarily staying with you but she's going home tomorrow / Saturday / soon and you want a care package to support her. Explain she can't stay with you because of yours and the children's disabilities.

Then tomorrow / Saturday / whenever you take her home and call social services to say she's now home - what's the care package ?

All the time she's at yours, there will be little leverage for you to get her the support she needs.

This type of situation has been in play for decades - I remember vividly the distress of a colleague when informed her frail mother was being discharged from hospital that morning miles away. She was all for dropping everything and dashing to her Mum's when the hospital social worker said look they are banking on you NOT being there. If you're not there she has to be re-admitted. If you're there, the ambulance crew will leave her there and you will be expected to pick up the pieces.

With such a sudden change in her physical health I would have taken her to A&E to have her checked for something like a UTI or chest infection which can cause confusion in frail elderly people.

Oh and please don't think the Macmillan nurse hasn't done what she should - they really are for symptom control and emotional support. They have no resources to provide intimate care.

Unfortunately hospices have very limited spaces. They're so specialist and sought after (sounds weird, I know) that they literally have waiting lists. We pushed and pushed for my mum to get into one and eventually succeeded but only because she was in hospital on an overcrowded ward and they wanted her gone. Also we had to get referrals from her Oncology team, Macmillan etc to get her moved. Even then it took weeks.

Does she need to be in hospital? Or can you arrange for the local healthcare team to come round and help? You can also get hospice care at home but would need to research the availability in your area.

Macmillan were less than useless IMO.

Sorry you're going through this ❤

They need to build more hospices, or even just huge wards specifically for people who aren't getting treatment to get better but just palliative gentle care, somewhere safe to just be in their end days.
How in 2024 are we not looking after our old people who have lived a life.

Cleaning aside, do you get any help? Pretty sure this will now fall under palliative care, you can get help. Did you speak to Havens hospice for example? When my mother was on her death bed, still in hospital but there was moments where doctors were discussing sending her home, I did have option of getting help from havens hospice.

What a useless selfish git your partner is OP🤬
I would be looking for a way to move out and leave him to it 🤬

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I do hope you get some adequate responses from adult social services today and the wheels can be set in motion for your MIL to be taken somewhere (hospice, nursing home) where she can be more easily given the level of care she needs. However, you really will need to play hardball with them or nothing will happen. Don't talk to them about stuff you can do, emphasise the majority stuff that you simply can't do.

Mention how you are already living with disabilities (you and your children) and make clear that this is crisis point now. Give them no wriggle room to duck out and leave it all to you because they will if given half a chance.

Good luck.

Let me tell you why he hadn't even got the children up for school. He doesn't want to make a rod for his own back is why! He doesn't want you to think that he will be the one doing this from now on so he feigns incompetence leaving you with no choice but to sigh, roll your eyes and do it yourself. Because if you don't the children will suffer... he's got you stitched up 🤬