I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

Do you have anywhere else you can go with the kids, just for a few days? Leave your "D"P alone with his mum and see how fast he starts trying to get things sorted.

That aside, if you want to get help you need to follow the advice you have been given and call adult social services today. She needs to be assessed and a care package put in place. Unfortunately social services are so overstretched that if you even offer to do a little, they will expect you to do it all. You need to be thick skinned and tell them in no uncertain terms that you are not prepared to carry on as you are.

An ultimatum to your partner wouldn't go amiss either.

Well, the sister in law is coming up on the weekend. I've given the mother in law my bed for now and I'm sleeping on the airbed in the lounge!

I'm going to say to her it's to much and that she needs to take over and refuse to do anything else. Dp has done a lot today but I just can't do it, she doesn't even wear clothes just a dressing grown and it's to much.

Has she not been checked out medically still?

Huge sympathies OP.

IMO / IME this is an acute medical issue and the NHS need to find her a suitable setting. Call her GP, call her hospital team, say it is a crisis and you haven’t got a bed for her, or the personal capacity to do ANY care.

Good luck.

No, it’s not that SIL needs to take over. Suitable care needs to be arranged. This isn’t fair on MIL. She needs proper end of life care and unless SIL is a pallative care nurse who is willing to do in 24/7 then she isn’t the right person. DP needs to take emergency carers leave tomorrow and start ring the appropriate people as outlined above. It will be difficult to put things in place over the weekend.

Did you get medical attention for her @ChristmasGrinch24 ?

This is what I came on to say. A UTI in an older person can cause dementia like symptoms. She needs to see a doctor OP.

She's been seen today, no infection etc. It's the cancer.
I'm speaking to her GP in the morning about hospice care, she's constantly asking for pain relief so she needs to be one,

Is your Macmillan nurse based at the hospital or does she see her at home?

If you haven't got a Community Palliative Care Nurse you need one - they may be badged as Macmillan but increasingly aren't, the GP will know how to refer. It confuses a lot of people who think they are getting 'Macmillan' but aren't actually known to the service they need.

You also need a referral to the District Nurses for end of life care.

And most importantly you need a referral to whoever does Continuing Healthcare Fast Track in your area- usually the District Nurses but not always, this is your route to funding for a care package or nursing home.

You may be lucky and there be a hospice bed available quickly but there is often a wait for a bed to be available. Also none of them offer long term care - they are based on stabilising the person for a period of usually a fortnight and planning discharge afterwards.

No useful comments but I greatly admire your kindness in looking after her.

Is hospice (or nursing home) respite care possible even for a few days until you can get something more organised in place?

You need respite. I was in your position a year ago with my DF, & had a complete breakdown. I was put in contact with adult social care who appointed us a social worker. She came round and chatted to us and helped to find DF a place he could stay so I could get back on track. It was at the stage he couldn't get up the stairs & I had to go to work everyday.
The social worker was amazing, she helped Dad with his MacMillan grant, and lots of other things.
Sending strength, this will pass. I know it seems impossible right now.
You need to look after yourself and your children first and foremost. X

Thanks @AnnaMagnani I'll be asking her GP about a Community Palliative Care Nurse in the morning.

The problem is waiting for the CT scan to come back with results, so we're in limbo land with the hospice. Shes struggling with the stairs & pain management today.
It's so hard seeing her like this, she was a very proud (and stubborn lol!) woman. It's like she's a child and it makes me so sad.

Have you called social services yet?

I’m so sorry this must be awful. Either take your kids and stay with someone or call the GP and let them know she must have hospice care within 24 hours.

Doing it all this morning, she's going to have to go into proper care today I can't cope she turned the heating off last night as she was hot (it's one of the digital boxes next to my bed) and I literally froze all night, I can't do this.

Contact social services and GP and macmillan nurse first thing this morning and tell them carer breakdown and she must go today, can’t cope

Your husband needs to take emergency leave from work - ideally a couple of weeks and step the fuck up.

He is off work. He's just as exhausted as me, she kept calling him upstairs last night every 20 minutes well into 3am till she fell asleep.
It's just not practical when we have disabled children, my children are choosing to sit in their bedrooms with the doors shut and asking why nana keeps walking around with no clothes on which says it all!

You both need to start calling social services, they’ll have emergency numbers, he (more likely you) need to be really proactive today as nothing will happen over the weekend.

Will she be self funding if care home? If so call some now for emergency respite placement to give you breathing space
If will need ss funding get onto ss but call local care homes to see where there are spaces

Spoken to SS I've told them we're having a carer breakdown that they need to act urgently as I'm going to take her home & leave her there.
I'm waiting for a call back.

Has the GP sorted pain meds yet?

GP sorted pain relief, but she's asking for morphine now too. So waiting for another call back.

Macmillian are coming out to assess her, I'm just waiting to see when. They've fucked up they said they should of already been out to assess her. I love Macmillian they are wonderful but I can't help feel angry they've left her.
Once they've done the assessment she can maybe have access to Marie Curie nurses 3 nights a week or a hospice. She isn't going to make it to Christmas. She's stopped eating completely.

She's spending most of her time
Sleeping, or complaining about the pain, she kept asking for her phone and threw it because she couldn't remember how to use it. the family have given me their blessing to do whatever it takes to get her in a hospice even if that means she comes back to haunt us all for doing it.

Do not agree to MacMillan Nurses 3 times a week. This will absolutely not be enough. If they won't agree hospice care (they might be full etc at the moment) ask them to contact Social Services for urgent respite today.

Explain that you are already a carer for your Children and your husband needs to return to work.

I hope it goes well. She won't haunt you - you sound like an amazing daughter in law and you are absolutely doing your best.