I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

Once again, apparently I'm selfish & don't care.

SIL is kicking off again despite us already saying we won't be staying overnight with MIL at the hospice.because I said dp needed to be home to do ds9 insulin injections she said that we'd have all the time in the world when her mum is dead.
I'm just so done today. I've been at the hospice with the kids & dp for 6 hours today, I have never missed a day but I'm still never fucking good enough.

OP, your SIL is irrational and venting. Just do what you can do for your husband and remember your children are the priority.

Your SIL is very good at telling everyone what they should do as a cover for not doing it herself, isn't she?

Honestly when this is over I'd be thinking about how much you want to see her in the future.

I was thinking the same @AnnaMagnani.

If I were the OP, I’d be sorely tempted to say this while SIL was having a go at me. If she thinks that someone needs to stay with her Mother, she should do it herself.

Exactly, I told her if she thinks someone needs to stay then she should stay with her.
She said she's stayed with her 9 days so had to go home for Christmas, yet I've spent the best part of 2 months + with her mother!
Shes going nuts, telling me I'm a shit mother for not being able to do insulin even though I can't because my hands shake due to my own disabilities.

I've already thought about it, when MIL does pass away I want nothing to do with her, whatever I do will never ever be good enough.

@ChristmasGrinch24 I’d block her number now and let your DH deal with her going forward. How dare she call you a shit Mother after all you’ve done for HER Mother. 😡

Seriously, enough is enough.

I have I've blocked her. If she wants an update on her mum she can ring the hospice herself.
I can't speak to someone who thinks it's okay for my child (her nephew!) to slip into a coma & die because they think their wants are more important than my son having insulin.
She knows what's going on with my other son as well & yet it's constant "your not good enough" bullshit. Bad enough she was screaming & shouting in my house last week! ugh, I don't normally let things like this get to me but I'm devastated.

My mil was a cunt to me too when I was caring for dh on my own with no sleep (dh would need me in the night) and one dn visit a day to change his syringe driver.

Its not true that your not good enough but it’s hard to hold onto that thought at times like this.

I have not seen mil since dh died.

Despite your own health troubles, you have been kind and tolerant. You miraculously and singlehanded got MIL the best option going. Fabulous now to shut SIL down. You have done the right thing. DMil won’t want visitors 24/7.

Please just switch off from all this for the next few days and focus on you and your children having a lovely calm Christmas. You’ve absolutely done the right thing by blocking SIL - it is entirely up to her and your husband to do MIL stuff. Visit if and when you want to but otherwise just leave them to it.

Good for you, @ChristmasGrinch24.

Been to look at two care homes today that the hospice said to choose from, both very nice but both saying they don't have a bed?
I'm guessing the hospice can maybe get her a bed there despite them saying to us they don't have any? I'm a bit confused!

@ChristmasGrinch24

I'm not sure how it works in the UK (I'm US) but in that situation the 'current facility' (hospital or hospice) has to keep the patient until a bed comes free at the chosen facility or another facility is found. They aren't allowed to 'dump' a patient anywhere (including forcing them on an unwilling/unable relative).

I don't know if they'd be able to 'create' a bed for her unless they're technically overstaffed and have the correct floorspace, because there are usually legal requirements for staff and space.

Stand strong, you're doing beautifully well. Just let SiL and DH worry about this. And as I said a bit upthread, tell them to look for a place near SiL, as long as it would be safe for MiL to be transported there.

Ring adult SS. They should be able to list you a list of all the homes who currently have beds, they may even recommend the ones which they think are the nicest.

Don't arrange a visit to a care home unless you get them to confirm on the phone beforehand there is a bed. The hospice can't create a bed in a care home if there isn't one.

Surprised the homes let you come as it's wasting their time as well as yours.

In the UK, if you take too long finding somewhere, or start declining places that have beds, then the hospice can ask CHC to choose for you and you are stuck with it at least initially. However this is really rare and most relatives quickly agree somewhere when they realise the hospice is serious and they don't have months to fuss over their decision.

The patient will stay at the hospice until they can go direct to the chosen care home.

That's the thing, they didn't ask to go about finding one, they found these two and asked which we preferred and to get back to us.
She really needs a social worker.
I'm stressed as I don't like driving far out, and if she's placed 20 miles up the road that's going to be quite the headache.

I'll tell them tomorrow either place is fine and let them sort it.

And no point speaking to SIL, dp sent her the information over and she's not even speaking to him & choosing to behave like a child so just leaving her to it now.
The whole thing is just stress upon stress upon stress.

Weird. I'm used to giving advice along the lines of 'it needs to say care home with nursing, people tend to like home x,y and z, give them a ring and see if they have any beds'

People usually choose either one nearest to where they live, for obvious reasons, even if it wasn't one suggested.

There are circumstances of 'only home x will manage these complex needs' but then I'd be upfront about it.

Have DP send her a text saying "This is the one we have decided is best" and link to a place in her town. I'll be she gets back to him then!

True, the care home can be anywhere in England. Easy to pick one on SIL's doorstep.

Is that right? Given MIL is covered by funding, wouldn’t that be linked to her current location eg to the healthcare trust or council she currently lives in?

MIL can't travel down to where SIL lives, it's risky moving her as it is. She's down to 4 stone now.

@SheilaFentiman yes the funding is linked to our current council. Or so we been told!

Why is it your decision to make, i’d bat it back to the direct family. You have done more than your fair share.

I've told DP it's down to him. However I'm not willing to drive 30 minutes out for him to visit her every day so to choose wisely. (He doesn't drive but that's another story.)

I've also completely ran out of wrapping paper for DCs presents. 😂 goodness me, nothing is going right for me lately!