I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

OK, I haven't understood OP as having said that but maybe I have missed it. They seem to have got over that hurdle though, which isn't a bad thing.

I am so, so glad you've got it sorted, end of life can be so stressful when people aren't on the same page.

I don't think people really have an understanding of being IN the situation, rather than objectively judging from the outside.

I'm home now.
SIL is staying with her, but MIL is very happy in the hospice. Soon as she was in her bed and settled she had a big smile.
It's a beautiful place, state of the art, huge modern rooms. They've given her morphine and we left her with Netflix on and let her sleep.
I'm very happy I couldn't wish for a better place.

My experience of hospice care is that the family can breathe a big sigh of relief and then get on with properly being with their loved one, rather than frazzled and shouty and upset because the caring tasks end up too much for one person.

As for consent, consent can fluctuate when people are confused, it does not mean it's gone for ever unless someone has done a consent assessment and even then that only reflects that time. People with brain mets can end up quite lucid at some points and with it, and confused and seeing or saying odd things at others. It is not the case that once you reach a certain stage you just can't consent, they do try to get consent of the patient where possible, it's not always possible but they do try.

There is zero reason for you to come on and make quite a horrible personal attack. You know nothing of my circumstances. You've no idea. And that much vicious wording is cruel.
Others have said similar to me and I don't see you once going at them like that.
I didn't put anything near that level of directed venom.
You yourself were berating and going at your dp and sil over their horrific behaviour. So much so you were breaking dkwna and about to leave!
Being stressed does not mean you jave free reign to say what you have to me. My reply to you was barely a whisper of what you ans others on here have said. I was merely feeling for the woman in the middle of all this for a week.

@Itsgottobeme OP is not obliged to respond to everyone who has been unkind to her if she wants to respond to a few posters who have been so.

And those saying unkind things to OP earlier at least had the excuse that they were trying to push the situation to change.

You waded in after things had been resolved, simply to be critical, and doubled down on it when asked to stop.

So no, we don’t know what your life is like, but honestly, did you think your contribution was helpful or considerate in any way?

If you casually kick someone when they're at their lowest and most vulnerable sometimes they will bite back. It's not nice, it's probably not fully deserved but it is hardly unexpected.

There are real human beings on the other side of your screen.

You were a bit of a dick. Sometimes I'm a bit of a dick. It happens, we're only human. Best to just say 'sorry, I was having a bad day and it read differently in my head' and then move on with your life.

I didn't put anything near that level of directed venom.

Telling an exhausted, drained woman - who has been working her socks off trying to do her best for a a dying loved one, whilst she is being berated by other family members, and who is still looking after her own kids and not even sleeping in her own bed - that the dying person would not have felt loved is a very high level of “directed venom”, to use your phrase.

I didn't wade in just to be critical. I like you and other commented on the ops post with my thoughts. Which I am allowed to do on here. It wasn't an attack. It was still my allowed thoughts on this whole week for the lady in the middle of this who's own children weren't doing what was needed for her(as the op was so upset about herself)
I'm sorry if I was too harsh. I have watched this thread and like others got extremely sorry for the suffering mother as the time and behaviour went on. And did think it could jave been halted by the op at certain points. As other posters were indeed telling her too.
And no it probably wasn't helpful. But I could have been told thst. Instead of the cruel remark back. How does that make it any better than what I apparently did! Which was nothing in comparison.

But I could have been told thst. Instead of the cruel remark back. How does that make it any better than what I apparently did! Which was nothing in comparison.

As per my later post, what you said was cruel and certainly not nothing.

Leave it. Walk away from this thread. You aren’t helping yourself, OP, or her MIL. I won’t engage with you again on this.

I’ve just read all of your updates and cried for you and your family. Ignore all the horrible commenters op they will never be able to put themselves in your shoes. I hope your ds is ok and all results come back normal and I’m so pleased you managed to get the care for your MIL that she deserves, it sounds like you love her very much but caring for 3 people with a medical condition yourself is not possible.
My grandad was recently cared for at home until he died and as you’ve just witnessed there is very little help and support. Unfortunately with delays in paperwork and no one communicating, despite my families best efforts to get him what he needed, he died unmedicated and in pain and distress, which was extremely upsetting for everyone. You have absolutely done the right thing making sure your MIL will be comfortable and cared for properly around the clock. I hope you manage to get a bit of rest now.

I’m with you @Itsgottobeme

That's good to hear. Now try to relax a little if you can and be kind to yourself.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandad's experience, @Sunnybow94 I've been taken aback by some people's responses on this thread basically shaming and blaming the OP and implying that the help is there and readily available if they would only take it. Not to mention those absolute wingdings who seem to think she would be admitted immediately if she was bundled off to A&E in a car. As you say, it's the mountain of admin, the overworked GPs, the shortage of palliative care beds generally, that is creating this nightmare for families.

@Itsgottobeme you be cruel and drag someone down, expect to be treated the same back. What you said was uncalled for. Treat others how you want to be treated, don't be surprised when someone bites back after what you've said.

Thank you I'm so sorry to hear about your grandad

The system is very broken. People think you can click your fingers and all will be fixed, it doesn't work like that. I've found medical teams don't share information not even with GPs, I've found district nurses are to far stretched and just want to hear what they want to hear so they can get out fast, I've found macmillian so over stretched they can't keep up, I've found care homes that just can't cope.

The problem is hospice are now saying she's not end of life, after the GP saying she is. shes being observed for 2 weeks and if she doesn't get worse (that sounds so bad) they can't keep her there... and then the whole process starts again.
This time though they won't be discharging her to my care. It's not happening.

@ChristmasGrinch24 this is very normal for hospices - they put out the warning that it is a 2 week stay at the beginning just in case the patient/family thinks they can live there long term.

Having said this:

A lot can happen in two weeks. Someone may not look end of life at the beginning of an admission but have changed a lot a week later

It isn't that you are turned out on your ear after a fortnight - if it looks like the person has a longer prognosis, then they will do a lot of discharge planning to make sure that the person goes to the right place. This might be home with a care package or to a care home.

Again, if you haven't found a care home after 2 weeks it isn't the end of the world - although if families try to play the system by just not looking and hoping the hospice will just let them stay, they are wise to this (rare, but it does happen).

So don't panic over the 2 week thing, there is a lot of assessment and treatment yet to come and you will absolutely be heard that she is not coming back to your house.

@AnnaMagnani the problem is there's no money for a care home. She has nothing apart from a few £100 in her bank.
No assessts, nothing.
So I can look at care homes all I like but they all charge in the £1000s a week, none of us can afford this.

But I'm glad they'll listen that she won't be coming back to mine, I cannot go through that again. Even my kids, are exhausted today.

I know it sounds quite selfish but I feel like I've done so much in the past few months I've really gone above & beyond for her, I don't want the finding a care home stress to fall on me.

Don't panic about the money either!

If they assess her as having a prognosis of less than 3 months (it's not always exact but a best guess) then she will be eligible for NHS CHC Fast track funding for the care home.

If she isn't, and most hospice patients are, then they will refer to Social Services to fund it.

The hospice do this every day, it's second nature to them.

Given how awful this has been, and the struggles you have had with the family dynamics, I think it would be worth asking to speak to a doctor at the hospice privately on Monday to make it clear that she is never coming back to yours, and the rest of the family have put a lot of pressure on you.

Oh that's brilliant. I'll let the hospice know when they do their assessments that returning to mine isn't a option.
Suppose the sooner they know, the sooner they can look at other options.
I've got the estranged sibling coming to see her in a few days too, she only found out a few days ago, stressing about that but they want to make amends while there's still time no idea how MIL will take it but hopefully it'll go well, if not they said they'll stay outside while their dc see her, the family all need to be united so here's hoping my little bit of meddling helps.

You wouldn't be expected to pay for a care home (it isn't for families to pay for this). If she did need to leave the hospice she'd be assessed and highly likely get a CHC funded place in a care home.

You will not have to pay. If she has no assets the CHC funding will pay and it is fast tracked anyway for hospice/palliative care.

I was also startled when we got to the hospice and they said we might have to leave again in 3 weeks, in our case, it turned out the relative then died within those three weeks. Sometimes people can go on a very long time and they will put them in a care/nursing home if it looks like they might last a long time or even improve, sometimes people do rally or if they have a very slow declining illness, they are admitted to hospices for stabilisation in palliative care, but they do move them on. I have to be honest, though, this might not be the case here, with your MIL, and they cannot know that yet, they are just warning you a) she might possibly get transferred if she is stable and still needing palliative care, and b) they will not do any resucitation or anything to 'artificially prolong life' like give antibiotics or medicines at this stage, they call this proceeding towards a natural death, which is against how we usually think, but in fact, it's very kind to let people naturally die rather than artificially prolong their life just so they can die slower, and this is the difference between medicine and palliative care.

OP, you are doing well, it is a confusing and stressful time but you will not have to take her home to your house, just refuse all care and they will assess her and find a place if needs be, and it might be it's not needed. I wish you all peace at this time.

How are you, OP? I have been following this thread and not posted before but I have been thinking of you and hoping you're ok.

Tired, very tired.

The estranged sibling has gone to see her today, and see if her mum wants to see her and the other two are trying to make excuses. It's down to their mum. No idea what's happening as I've come home for a hour for my dc. So there's that stress.