I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

Monday we have a meeting to move her.

The SIL is trying to build her up food wise, she's very cognitive declined. She doesn't speak apart from yes or no, and that's at a push.
They said they can't keep her at the hospice which I knew from here.
Goodness knows where she'll go, she needs 24 hour care.

At the meeting I'd expect them to say she needs a care home and the process for finding one.

If you can, try and speak to the person who will be running the meeting to make it clear your house is not an option and you don't want to be put in a difficult position in front of your ILs.

They need to find her a nursing home space, keep repeating this is the only option.

Usually what happens is they explain what her care needs are and if it's even feasible to deliver them at home.

Given we already know it isn't, they will make sure everyone, including the unrealistic family members, agree.

They will then tell you to go and look at care homes - they don't find one for you. I've only had to do this once in 20 years when it was clear the family thought if they didn't look, we'd forget about it and let them stay.

@ChristmasGrinch24 as @AnnaMagnani said it will be down to you to find the home. From experience this is stressful. It isn’t about seeing one you fancy - they will do their own assessment and decide if they can cater for the relative. They also need to have a space. Some won’t. I would also suggest you go for a nursing home so that if there is any deterioration they can still cater for the relative. I called over 60 when trying to find a place for my Dad and only one could offer us a space. Thankfully the manager/Matron and I clicked immediately. A good place to start https://www.cqc.org.uk/care-services/find-care-home

Also do not be swayed by boutique hotel vibes. When you are at this point cinema rooms and games rooms are utterly pointless. Do pursue CHC (continuing health care) it isn’t means tested and is notoriously difficult to secure but if you don’t ask you won’t get! good luck and let us know how things progress.

I don't know what your DH and SIL are planning Ginch, but I'm going to assume you can't care for your MIL in your home.

You may feel under pressure to take her back. If this happens, just say No. Do not expand, do not give reasons, do not give excuses. The social workers will try to offer 'solutions' to you reasons and excuses.

But the truth is anyone will only get up to 4 care visits a day. And when I say day, I mean just that - day. Not night, ie, not after say 10 /11pm until 7/8am the next morning. The care visits are brief and only vaguely at agreed times, so a first thing visit can be from 8-10am, lunchtime 11-2, etc etc. Only you can judge if you can care for your MIL with this level of input.

Even if you can - please don't take her home before Christmas. There's no hope of getting everything in place within 2 days of the meeting, with the best will in the world. You have 2-3 weeks at the hospice - use them to re-charge your batteries

@BlueLegume @ChristmasGrinch24 at the meeting the hospice should confirm how the care home will be funded, this will very likely be Fast track CHC.

In terms of finding a home, CHC funding usually means a care home with nursing. The hospice may give you a list.

Don't waste your time looking at care homes that don't offer nursing.

And yes vibe is a lot more important than facilities. I've been to show home type care homes with major Safeguarding concerns and tatty ones where it was clear they really cared for their residents.

Great post @AnnaMagnani also for all the bashing of homes and CHC I cannot fault what I have experienced for our Dad. Social workers, OTs, physios, cleaners, HCAs earning next to nothing. Fabulous fabulous human beings. Way superior to me. I am in awe of these people.

Just knowing what the council can fund and what the budget is.
Just more bloody stress, driving around homes, making sure it's within the council budget, ugh. I know I sound ungreatful but I've had enough.

She isn't coming back to mine.
They'll have to keep her there until I find somewhere or arrange a ambulance to take her to hostipal.
I don't have time to be finding a care home in the middle of Christmas the SIL is going home on the weekend too so yes this will land on me and DP.
Just need a decent care home with decent caring carers, who can provide 24 hour care. Don't need anything fancy, we put the TV on for her but she's so far declined I don't even think she takes it in.

I'm looking for something that offers palliative care aren't I?

When I told SIL I dont have any experience with care homes (all my grandparents stayed in their own homes) and just said neither did she, so that's no help.

Hi @ChristmasGrinch24

I would not worry about a social worker being there pressuring you to take her home. For starters most hospices don't have one! Even if they do, they are there to help you and facilitate a safe discharge.

From what you have said I am 99.9% sure this will be a CHC Fast track - so the funding is in place for her care whether it is at home or in a nursing home. It is not the council paying for the home.

The hospice will just want to make sure it is the right place, they have no incentive to push for home - and for your MIL it sounds like all her relatives now agree that its a nursing home.

In terms of what you are looking for, your top priority is that it says Care Home with Nursing
Officially hospices aren't supposed to recommend anywhere, in reality they will often be able to tell you 2-4 places that almost all of their patients go to.

A home saying they do Palliative Care isn't totally helpful as a lot of care homes will advertise this when they don't have nursing.

The hospice should have the current local list and be able to point you in the right direction so you aren't calling every single home on the list.

@ChristmasGrinch24 Sounds like a horror show OP, you have my fullest sympathies.

Ah I see so long as it says nursing care, we're good to go.

Yes it is a horror show, it's never ending. My eldest is having a scan on his lymph nodes tomorrow too, so if that goes tits up unfortunately DP & SIL will be on their own finding her a home.

Now the SIL wants my dp to stay overnight with her when she goes home all over Christmas even though I need help with the kids, ffs.

That’s awful. Why does she think that is necessary? Your MIL isn’t end of life. I would try to get her to explain and maybe she’ll realise how unreasonable she is being. I expect your MIL would think it unreasonable too from what you’ve told us about her.
I hope all goes well for your DS.

She thinks it necessary because MIL gets chatty on the nights, but she has 24 hour care.
She knows dp needs to be home with the kids on the nights, it's just not do-able. We can't be there 24/7, when she gets moved to a care home they won't let us stay with her so it's important MIL gets used to us not being there.
It's also important MIL rests, and doesn't feel like she has to be awake all the time for us at the moment you can tell she's knackered but staying awake for us.

@ChristmasGrinch24

Would it be at all possible to find a care home nearer where your SiL lives? Maybe that would shift the burden to her as far as keeping company, staying overnight, etc. You've done enough already.

If I were you I'd be very careful if you have to turn the 'find a home' chore over to your DH and his sister. I'd worry that she'd suggest moving MiL back in 'for a few days whilst we're looking' and then scuttle off. Does DH have the backbone to put his foot down if you aren't there to threaten putting yours up his arse if she does?

Hoping your DS is ok OP

There is a Mumsnet saying that No is a complete sentence.

Your partner needs to say No to this request.

I've only just seen your thread OP but just wanted to say I'll offer a hand to hold. It sounds as if you've been absolutely amazing.
Also hope your lad is ok today

Another wishing your DS a good outcome.
Your kids sound like they have put up with so much but just muddled through positively these past few weeks. They and you sound like heroes.
Very few people could have coped the way you have done OP. Channelling positive vibes for the next stage.

I suggest you sit your partner down and say very clearly that you are unable to cope with his mother's care and that she needs professional help. Social Services will carry out an assessment but many adult SSD don't have open caseload, as in, there is an assessment and recommendations about the care needed and depending on the SSD, some help in getting those services but not a lot of ongoing SSD support from the same Social Worker.
At the very least, your MIL should be getting Attendance Allowance (ask for help in completing this form) so that some care can be brought in. It sound as though she should be on the highest rate which is around £432 a month which won't buy much care, but if she had no money than SSD should be offering some carer time too. That varies in time and quality depending on where you live.
If Residential Care is the preferred option then ask for it and really stress that you cannot cope with her needs and nor should you be expected to do so.... by SSD, medics or your nearest and dearest. I'm afraid that it is a case of the more you do the more you may unless you are emphatically saying NO WAY!
If MIL is to stay at home, many GP surgeries have a Social Prescriber who can help with contacting appropriate services...District Nurse, Incontinence service, medical equipment such as a Hospital bed and air mattress, etc.
I wish you the best in finding some ongoing support and practical help.

They need to do a biopsy on DS lymph nodes. Scheduled for early January. said it might not be anything sinister, but from the ultrasound they need to rule it out!
Stressssss. 😬

She's got the fast track funding, the hospice itself are going to find her a bed in a nursing home. I told them our situation and they said they'd do it themselves to help. They are a wonderful charity, really gone above & beyond.

I'm sorry about the stress with DS at what has already been an enormously stressful time, understatement of the year!

It's good though that the hospice admission is then put the fast-track funding in place and they will find somewhere for her, it's great if they can do that as they now know her needs, likely prognosis, pain management schedules and so on, and so whatever they find will have to meet those requirements, or they won't be able to move her, so they will have a strong incentive to find somewhere good and that has the required nursing care. Hospices are usually fantastic at this bit as they are all specialists in these areas, rather than ending up on a generalist ward where they then don't have a good idea what's needed and try to discharge unsafely. I think your MIL is well cared for due to you, you probably haven't taken it all in yet and I know it's still sad and hard to go through it all, but she's in safe hands for Christmas and you must allow yourself a small pat on the back for getting that to happen.