100th birthday and 2 daughters not coming for the day

[TizerorFizz]

I simply don’t know how to tell my mum that they are not coming. 100th is at Easter and they are saying trains are unreliable. 3 out of 5 grandchildren not coming either - all adults. How do I tell mum? I’m devastated for her. I’m finding it hard to suppress my anger. One of my siblings rarely visits anyway but surely for a 100th birthday you make the effort!? Any advice welcome.

Do the daughters not drive? If not maybe they can arrive a couple of nights before?

Assuming they have no other commitments. Do any of them work, or have volunteering commitments? Are any of them carers for other relatives? Do any of them have upcoming appointments that can't easily be changed? Or just other things planned with friends? I asked before, did op consult any of these relatives before arranging the party, or did she go ahead assuming they'd all be available?

@Velvian A 500 mile round trip - twice? It’s a no. I’ve my dc staying and I’m busy. Seeing my mum amongst other things.

Interesting how many people jump to the idea that people in their late 60s, 70s and early 80s are all incapable of making long journeys by train, or otherwise. Some will struggle with it, of course, but I do a lot of travelling up and down at the moment to visit my own elderly mum (91) and I see plenty of older people managing perfectly well. My parents were able to travel from Scotland to London by train in their mid 80s. My husband is in his late 60s now and the idea that he would struggle with a train journey is laughable.

@Abouttimeforanamechange One works part time. All dc are adults. No caring duties and only one parent. Other sibling hasn’t worked full time for 13 years. Has plenty of money. No dc and it’s also Easter! Neither are working at Easter.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g Same age as me and obviously I’m fit and travel anywhere!

@TizerorFizz if they don't care then they shouldn't come really. Your mum will hopefully see them for who they are

I understand that if all of DM birthday conversation is going to be ---

DM SAYING ---- "oh I wonder when Gladys, Frank and Ethel are arriving?"
THEN
"What time are Gladys, Frank and Ethel arriving?"
THEN
"Hope Gladys, Frank and Ethel get here in time for a cup of tea and cake etc etc"

so DM will be more upset and bothered by Gladys, Frank and Ethel not being there rather than the OP being there

Which is rather upsetting for OP and I get that entirely

Don’t you tell her - let them tell her. Tell them they have to tell her.

Just tell her they can’t make it, if it has to come from you. Then get back to talking about who is attending abc all the positives. It sounds like you’re making it into a big problem and like the drama and slagging them off.

From what you’ve said, their non attendance won’t come as a shock to her as they don’t seem close. You need to keep your beak out and concentrate on your own relationships.

Regardless of what people say, people usually have their reasons for not being close to parents and grandparents so I’m sure they have their reasons.

I agree OP ,how shitty is this that ? Your poor Mum . Let them tell her that they are not coming. Make it a lovely day for your Mum and lots of positivity and photos.

Also neither sibling has ever been married and both are single with no partner. They have known it’s mum’s 100th coming up for many many years! Why would you have an appointment on a bank holiday? They have both states it’s about trains!

Is the journey actually possible by train considering the potential engineering at Easter?

I note that OP has said the siblings have been to take what they want from Dgrans house but can't be bothered to attend her 100th birthday tea! That tells you all us all you need to know about their family priorities! Even though her birthdays at Easter surely they could make the effort to stay over for the night locally. It's not like they're going to get another opportunity to celebrate her 100th birthday!

Did Dgran issue the birthday invitations or did you OP? They need to phone Dgran themselves and let her know why they're not coming - it's not your job to make their apologies for them. Could understand if the younger ones have to work, but the older generation surely have no excuse (unless theyd maybe already booked a holiday).

Its really not your place to decide they should be there, I’d be really pissed if you were planning my time based on it being Easter or because I didn’t or whatever. Seriously, beak out beaky.

Have you actually looked at the timetables and determined that trains are available for those dates?

I bet there is a huge backstory as to why the siblings don't care, OP. It is what it is. Usually, you reap what you sow. I'm not saying it lightly.

It's sad for your mum but why do you feel you need to manage her feelings and pile onto the siblings? They choose not to come. Mum is disappointed and that's that. Likely it won't make a difference to them which birthday it is. I'd love to hear their side.

Disgusting. I am so sorry OP. I hope your mum has a lovely birthday with those who actually care about her and are worthy of her time.

With respect, their marital status is none of your business and also very judgemental/catty of you. You do you and leave them to make their own choices.

I'm sorry you need to read the room. And put judgement aside for a moment. If they wanted to come they would. They will have their reasons.

This absolutely! Ignore the snipey nasty posters.

My sister didn't see mum in the last 3 years of her life. Sister was in her sixties and a nervous traveller and it took 8 hours on a train to visit. It was fine. Her choice. Mum wasn't bothered

I'd be interested to hear the non attendees pov, there has to be more to it than OP is letting on / knows about.
It is still up to them whether they attend or not.

Could they fly and you pick them up from the nearest airport? It's not always any quicker but they might prefer it and it's often cheaper!

I'm wondering if it's really that they have other parts of their lives you don't know about, you say they are single but if they live far away, perhaps they aren't

I don’t think op is judging their marital status, she’s just explaining it’s not about them having other family commitments!

What’s the betting those absentees will be doing the grieving relative act at this lady’s funeral. But cba to see her while she is alive.