100th birthday and 2 daughters not coming for the day

[TizerorFizz]

I simply don’t know how to tell my mum that they are not coming. 100th is at Easter and they are saying trains are unreliable. 3 out of 5 grandchildren not coming either - all adults. How do I tell mum? I’m devastated for her. I’m finding it hard to suppress my anger. One of my siblings rarely visits anyway but surely for a 100th birthday you make the effort!? Any advice welcome.

Is your Mum racist?

Or homophobic?

There are lots of engineering works over the Easter weekend, so it's entirely plausible that is the issue

Or just rude?

It sounds like you're not worried about your own reaction but you mum being upset but I would venture to guess this isn't the first time your siblings have not put themselves out for her. I'd just tell her that they have told you they aren't coming because of the trains and you don't know anything more.

(The trains thing is obviously an excuse btw, I took the train a couple of weeks ago from Harrogate to Cornwall on that weekend of snow and ice, anticipating chaos with multiple changes...and it was perfect, not even one minute's delay on any of them. And I just checked and in Q3 of 2023, 69.2% of trains were on time (to the minute), 86.4% were within 3 minutes and 98.3% were within 15 minutes of the scheduled arrival time. In that timeframe only 3.5% of trains were cancelled. I think that's pretty remarkably reliable given that in those 3 months there were 19,418,077 station stops across the whole network!)

https://dataportal.orr.gov.uk/statistics/performance/passenger-rail-performance/

www.nationalrail.co.uk/travel-information/easter-bank-holiday/

I think youngest sibling is left wing and mum is not politically aligned with her views and said the wrong things. But I think that about mum too and you have to ignore it. It doesn’t define your life. She’s old and isn’t always capable of understanding modern feminist politics .

We have our reason! Well done them for not just ‘ignoring it’ because you ‘have to’. You absolutely don’t fucking have to. My nana is 90 and manages to support women and not have offensive views! Age is not an excuse.

Would it be possible for you to drive to collect them and take them back, not that you should have to, but just for your Mum's sake? It's so bad of them if not Ill. No doubt if she died they'd manage to get to the funeral.

500 mile round trip.

No. She’s not racist. However do people really fall out (and it’s just one) over the odd non PC comment? Surely people roll their eyes and move on. Lots of very old people have different views. My DC hold different views but they politely tell grandma how they think and why. It’s not something that was in any way a barrier until around 5 years ago and everyone totally happy 10 years ago at 90th. I do know who has changed. It’s not mum and she’s now pretty frail.

No. I’m not paying for a car to do 1000 miles to get them!

You can’t say it’s bad of them when you don’t know the full story. 🙄

If she's 99 now then she was 45 when The Female Eunuch came out.

Feminism is not exactly a recent invention.

The odd non PC comment. 🤔

Such a shame. Unless they live abroad, I don't think there's much of an excuse for missing this milestone.

@TizerorFizz 'No I’ m not doing it again the summer. She could be dead by then. Lots of assumptions made here'.

Not assumptions, just suggestions for ways to mitigate the situation. As sought.

@TizerorFizz it is common for siblings to not understand the other siblings reasons and experience with their mother. Most likely they will have reasons beyond the ones you mentioned and you aren't fully in the know.

Give it a rest and accept what is. No need to discredit them on Mumsnet. It just shows that you don't accept your siblings decision which is just a red flag.

I have one of these busybody types like OP in my family, who thinks she has the right to tell others what they should do and how busy/not busy they are

ditto 🤣& why I suggested it might not be the mum they’re avoiding

also have relatives that have morally questionable views and a cohort who excuses them, whilst managing to look down on anyone who won’t excuse them

🤷🏻‍♀️ travelling significant distance to celebrate someone who’s views were diametrically opposed at an event arranged by someone who looks down on me 🤔

It’s something I’d’ve done when young but wouldn’t put up with now as an ole gimmer

And to other posters... Older people often say things we might disagree with. And we all have the capacity to disagree with each other. You don't 'cancel' someone (anyone! and especially your frail mother) for disagreeing with you, even if we'd prefer them to have staunch feminist/whatever views.

Are they in touch regularly? If so, they need to tell your mum themselves that they aren't coming.

Is she in a care home? Hopefully the excitement of getting a letter from the King (well, my own mum would be delighted), photos, cake etc will help distract her on the day.

My Mum made non pc comments when she was alive. Absolutely unintentional and she was a much loved lady ! Definitely not a reason to ignore an elderly ladies 100th .
OP take lots of pictures ,stick them on FB and wait for people to enquire where your siblings are 😉

Absolutely agree! Cannot imagine how many pp would cope living and working amongst elderly people who might have a different view point to themselves.

@Datafan55 we aren't getting the fully story and we won't. If course they don't have a relationship with their mother because of a comment or two. It's naive to think the OP gave the full picture. The OP probably doesn't even know the real reasons and the more replied I read the more I think they are part of the problem.

This isn't a tight knit family. Some appear to have no relationship with their mother at all.

@Kidswhowouldhavethem nah, I think you cannot imagine what might have gone in some people's childhoods that they choose to not see their mother.

This isn't about a few comments as the OP claims.

Not a reason for you and you’re free to make that choice. Some people choose not to be around people like that. Age is not an excuse for offensive comments. My FIL plays innocent, pretends his rabbits, homophobic, sexist etc comments are unintentional but they most definitely are intentional. It’s funny how he’s learnt to use the internet and other modern things, but ‘forgets’ that some comments are unacceptable. I’ve no time for it.

Working with them is quite different though.

Being the daughter of a homophobic person is another thing altogether.