100th birthday and 2 daughters not coming for the day

[TizerorFizz]

I simply don’t know how to tell my mum that they are not coming. 100th is at Easter and they are saying trains are unreliable. 3 out of 5 grandchildren not coming either - all adults. How do I tell mum? I’m devastated for her. I’m finding it hard to suppress my anger. One of my siblings rarely visits anyway but surely for a 100th birthday you make the effort!? Any advice welcome.

Single all their lives - so 60 years of doing what they want to do.

Fascinating to see how many people immediately assume the fault is with the mother and/or the big sister. It seems equally possible to me that the two younger siblings are selfish and won't put themselves out to get there for a significant family milestone. Even if the trains are a problem, there are still coach services.

OP is trying to list all the reasons that make them seem unreasonable for not attending. Like their reasons are not good enough. Massive red flag. Absolutely huge flag. It's none of OPs business. It may be sad but needs to be accepted.

Could you postpone it to the weekend after Christmas when the trains are running normally?

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g it's not selfish to not attend your mother's birthday if you aren't close and perhaps have no real relationship. They don't owe her anything. Even at 100.

It's entirely up people if they want to attend someone's birthday party or not.

There HAS to be 2 sides to this. In every family there is one child - usually female - who takes on carer role (seems it's you @TizerorFizz .) And the other sibling(s) just do their own thing/have their own life/own family/ job/ commitments, and often end up moving away from the family fold - to a town dozens or 100s of miles away, or abroad. They have as little to do with helping the older relatives/parents as possible because distance.

But it is odd they don't want to be at their mother's 100th birthday party. As you say though OP, it seems they just don't care, and that is sad. (Unless there are deeper issues that you're not mentioning - or don't know about.)

Don't know what to say really, as there's nothing you can do. I am sorry they're not coming, and kudos to you for being a good daughter to her. Hope she has a wonderful time anyway.

Sadly, this 'some adult children/siblings don't give a shit' type of scenario is quite common. Sad, but true.

Couldn't agree more

@TizerorFizz Don't say anything to your mum let them tell her themselves that they can't be bothered.
You enjoy her birthday with her.
I missed my mums last mothers day because I didn't want to be there same day as one of my sisters and yes I do regret it now, but everyone couldn't go because mum was dying of cancer and my sister wanted all her kids to be there so it would have been too many.

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel Yes. Trains are running. @Commonsenseisnotsocommon ??? I was replying to a poster who asked about caring duties! They don’t have anyone to care for. Not a DH or partner for example. Why is that statement catty? It’s just how it is! If they had 10 kids and multiple caring duties for GC I would have said so!
@chopc You forget about prodigal daughters!

Anyway - yes they should tell her. I somehow doubt they will. It’s not a massive formal do. It’s about seeing an old lady who is 100. Some former neighbours are popping in.

Hopefully they don't be written into her will!

Are the grandchildren not attending your DC @TizerorFizz?

Maybe it would be better to let your mum down gently now rather than later, that some people will not be coming.
Relatives are like anyone else; some are nice, some not and some are arseholes.

They can still have other commitments or reasons for not going. How dare OP think she can decide they should attend because they’re not married, don’t work or the time of year.

I have one of these busybody types like OP in my family, who thinks she has the right to tell others what they should do and how busy/not busy they are.

OP needs to concentrate on doing what she wants to for her mother.

There are plenty of details we don't know from your post but it sounds to me like your siblings and nephews and nieces may not want to go, for whatever reason. That is their choice. It is neither your responsibility to coerce them, nor to find excuses to tell your mum.
My mum was not particularly great as a parent or grandparent and I leave it up to individuals in the family to make their own choices.

Tricky one. I'd imagine there's a reason? Do they get on?

It's up to them. Your attitude would do my head in. They've decided they can't be arsed with your mum so you need to just focus on your relationship with her

Exactly this. Op sounds like one of those who's trying to now take the matriarch role in advance and therefore can't stand things not being as she likes. If they are selfish and just interested in dm possessions or money when she's gone that will all come out in the wash but it's not her job to police their behaviour now. She seems to have a very high opinion of herself.

If they wanted to attend, they would make the effort. They obviously don't have a close bond with their mum. At least the others are going. Don't waste your time worrying about who's missing, be happy about the ones are are going.

Could the party not be the weekend before, if everyone can't make bank holiday weekend?
I presume the grandchildren who can't make it are going away somewhere else for the four day break whilst they have time off work/school together and don't want to cancel that for a few hours of a party on just one of the days?

@BrightHarvestMoon You are correct about me but I didn’t anticipate this. I think youngest sibling is left wing and mum is not politically aligned with her views and said the wrong things. But I think that about mum too and you have to ignore it. It doesn’t define your life. She’s old and isn’t always capable of understanding modern feminist politics . Other sibling didn’t visit for years on end. Moved away and stayed away. Mum dotes on her. So who knows what she really thinks about mum. I expect my youngest sibling will post on Facebook about her mum being 100. It’s so disingenuous.

It's much more likely that the mother has been unpleasant to her daughters for many years.

I think youngest sibling is left wing and mum is not politically aligned with her views and said the wrong things. But I think that about mum too and you have to ignore it. It doesn’t define your life. She’s old and isn’t always capable of understanding modern feminist politics .

Well, I think we can all read between the lines here. Good on them not attending!

If it were me @TizerorFizz I’d throw money at the problem and book them a car service. Offer a hotel for the night and a car back.
Give it to your mum (without disclosing) as a birthday gift. Suck it up and forget about it.

It’s unlikely you’ll need to do it again (go mum, for 110), and your mum gets them and you all together one last time.

I think youngest sibling is left wing and mum is not politically aligned with her views and said the wrong things

Finally we're getting the reason why the daughters aren't coming.