100th birthday and 2 daughters not coming for the day

[TizerorFizz]

I simply don’t know how to tell my mum that they are not coming. 100th is at Easter and they are saying trains are unreliable. 3 out of 5 grandchildren not coming either - all adults. How do I tell mum? I’m devastated for her. I’m finding it hard to suppress my anger. One of my siblings rarely visits anyway but surely for a 100th birthday you make the effort!? Any advice welcome.

I'm sorry to hear all this @TizerorFizz Families are so complicated aren't they?! Your siblings are either ignorant inconsiderate asses, or have just detached themselves from care duties/closeness to your/their mother, or maybe they are genuinely very busy, CBA to travel. Could be any reason. I guess you will know better than me!

A possible reason for your sibling(s) not coming because they don't like your mother's political views (as you mentioned,) is frankly utterly pathetic, and breathtakingly narrow-minded. Imagine shunning your own mother because you don't have the same political views. Anyone who thinks THAT is OK needs to give their head a wobble!

They're not coming though and there is little you can do, other than accept it - same with the grandchildren who aren't coming. Just gently tell your mum they can't make it. Many extended families are not close, and the big TV families that all look out for each other and all pop round once or twice weekly to see 'mum' (and dad!) and have 'tea' and spend big old Christmases together are rare.

I feel your pain and woe at being primary carer for your mum, as this was me. I have one brother - a decade younger - who was about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. Did nothing for our parents, no fetching and carrying, no lifts, no shopping for them, no housework, no DIY, nothing. And yet he was the little blue eyed boy whose shit didn't stink. Came once a month for an hour, sat and ate their food, read their paper, borrowed 30 or 40 pounds (that he never gave back!) and then fucked off. He was still a Prince Amongst Men though!

I organised my parents funerals too. Sorted everything after their deaths. He did nothing, except turn up to the funeral(s.) He moved away from our county some 10 years ago, and whilst I don't hate him, we are not close. He moved to his wife's home town 45-50 miles away and now is part of her family. Only seen him and SIL, and my 2 nephews about 10 times in 5 years (not at all through 2020 and 2021 due to Covid.) Last time was August last year for SIL's 40th birthday party.

*racist not rabbits! 😬

... and yet, according to the OP, they made the long journey and the effort to take things from her house, presumably when she moved into residential care or to live with a relative or sheltered housing. So enough of a relationship to want to benefit financially.

However I still think fit, essentially middle aged siblings, all younger than me, should come.

irrespective of their relationship and history with their mother?

good grief OP. i suspect that you may also find yourself in the same situation as your mother ie your children not wishing to celebrate a milestone birthday with you, if you’re this dogmatic and narrow minded with them

That is understandable, especially if there was abuse in their childhood.

if you’d had a shite childhood and a very negative relationship with your mother, hell yes i wouldn’t want to miss out on a damn thing that i was entitled to. Call it recompense for a shite childhood! no judgement from me

Yep!

Differing Political views in these sorts of cases is usually code for either racism or homophobia.

Either that or the person spends hours ranting about how the immigrants should go home.

"The odd non-pc comment" also could be a number of things.......

Hmm, it strikes me that if it's an event you want everyone at, you need to consult everyone before finalising the plan. You can't expect everyone to jump to your tune. It's an invitation not a summons as they say on MN.

So for example, if trains being unreliable Easter weekend really is the problem, you can do it the weekend before or after? If they still don't want to come after taking their travel arrangements into account, then that's on them and you just need to make sure you have a nice time with the people who are there, and not try and dictate other people relationships.

you seem to know a lot about their circumstances despite not being at all close both emotionally or geographically

Are they refusing to tell their mother and instead just plan not to turn up? if so… bloody hell your mother and them really aren’t remotely close

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g so you are saying it's okay for a relationship to be transactional? I gave you this thing from my house 20 years ago, therefore you must come to my birthday?

I'd like to know what things they took. Maybe a few childhood photos? But I believe you were more thinking in the direction of greed and that they couldn't wait to rob some valuable items off their mother.

That's really poor form imo. At this age every birthday is potentially her last and of course the 100th is extra special. Unless there are huge extenuating circumstances regarding health or finances they should be there. You can't force them, but I would be raging on your mam's behalf.

So money is only bequeathed to those with approved behaviour.
Unsavoury.

Lol. Raging. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

I hope they aren’t beneficiaries in your mum’s will.
Bet they’d scuttlebutt down for a slice of that pie!

What’s the backstory?

Well yes and no.

I'd say even today and including amongst younger people, things are still unequal, skewed and often traditional. That is in a society where it is very slowly becoming okay for the dad to stay at home, the woman to earn more, both to share household chores, for a girl to play football/be an engineer etc. It will take generations to even out.

For someone 46 in 1970, the voices and attitudes around her would have been almost overwhelmingly antifeminist. To go against that requires not least a very strong conviction that things are wrong as they are; most people go with what they're being told.

Ditto attitudes to different coloured skin, foreigners, etc etc.

(apologies this is not the point of the thread, but on my mind this week)

That's rather presumptious if you don't mind me saying

Not at all- totally fair Id say. They don't care, they don't like her - they do not need to inherit anything either. Tough!

OP may not know the full story, but I’m willing to bet she knows more than you do.

I wonder if they would accept the hassle of a train journey for her funeral? Because if so I’d be tempted to mention she would def prefer they made the effort for the bday party than that.

Tell them you know your mum will be disappointed and that they can explain to her why they aren’t coming. And don’t get into too much chat with your mum about it. Just agree it’s a shame and change the subject.

Can you invite a few extra cousins etc to make her feel special?

Amen to that! Not just older people either.

I think it’s poor form for them not to explain their absence at the 100th birthday celebration to her themselves.
I’m sure she is longing to see them and hoping they will turn up.
It’s sad for her and I understand your upset OP.

My Mum is 91 and I doubt very much she's ever even heard of Germaine Greer, far less read any of her work. This is not a reason to cut a relative off.

Why would you expect to be bequeathed money by someone you have no relationship with? If the blood relationship is strong enough for you to feel you have a right to an inheritance, then it’s strong enough for you to do your best to celebrate her 100th birthday with her.