100th birthday and 2 daughters not coming for the day

[TizerorFizz]

I simply don’t know how to tell my mum that they are not coming. 100th is at Easter and they are saying trains are unreliable. 3 out of 5 grandchildren not coming either - all adults. How do I tell mum? I’m devastated for her. I’m finding it hard to suppress my anger. One of my siblings rarely visits anyway but surely for a 100th birthday you make the effort!? Any advice welcome.

I agree with you, but there are so, so, many on MN who think that if someone has differing views from themselves then that is enough reason to keep away from them, go no contact etc. I amuse myself with the idea that one day they might just find their own children doing the same to them

MN attracts the most strange members of society I believe.

Your siblings and your Mum's grandchildren (the ones who can't make the effort) sound awful - and I would be telling them that you will not be making excuses for them.

I think you are incredibly naive if you think that adults who were abused as children tell everyone that they were abused, even close friends. It looks me until my mid 30s to even recognise it as abuse myself in my case, never mind consider telling anyone else.

People dont always feel comfortable sharing this information, not in the least because of how judgemental people can about how "you only get one mum", "you should just forgive her", "my mum said mean things to me too and I'm fine" etc

@dimllaishebiaith this exactly. For years I made excuses for my parents that 'everyone makes mistakes' and 'they had it difficult themselves' and I should just 'move on' until I couldn't well into my 30s. One day I just saw completely clearly and lost all desire to have much to do with them and I'm finally freeing my from the guilt and get to know myself. For the first time in my life I don't feel mentally ill. I have found peace inside I never knew existed. There is a lot of shame and denial involved because once you call out abuse and separate yourself from family you are standing up to an awful lot of people and their judgement. It takes courage.

@dimllaishebiaith and like you say I don't tell many people I was abused or that I am very low contact. I don't even tell those who had difficult childhoods themselves and have family dramas as adults but are still full attached to their parents. People know my upbringing affected me in terrible ways, but unless someone has had to cut ties with their parents I probably won't tell them because I don't want to open myself up to 'but they are your parents. Don't you think you will regret this etc.'.

There can sometimes be an air of the one sided on these types of threads; a sense that if both/all sides were heard the story would be very different. I don't get that sense at all from this thread. The OP posted here in the hope of kindness because she felt hurt and upset. Choosing to kick her when shes down is utterly shameful behaviour. I'm sorry @TizerorFizz that you've been subjected to that. Its not a reflection on you, its a reflection entirely on those responsible.

In terms of the situation with your family, I think the legacy of lockdown and forced seperation is that (for many people) being anti/selectively social is deemed way more socially acceptable now. Its difficult to put a finger on exactly why this outlook persists; its likely to be a mix of reasons. I think that is the difference between then (your Mum's 90th) and now.

Wow, I'm so sorry you've taken such a hammering on this thread OP!

I think in any family there's usually one sibling who takes the lead role for organising things like this. I am that person too. I enjoy making things nice for family birthdays and feel sad when others don't make the effort or just assume I've got it all covered.

As for your mum, I guess there's nothing you can do but tell her the truth. Could you do video calls with the other siblings on the day?

stomachamelon · Today 16:23
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Their mother is 100.
**
What happened to just doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do? They should turn up and help their mother celebrate. They should be bothered”

Why? Just because she is 100? You have no idea of their relationship with their mother, only what OP, who’s experience may have been very different, has told you.

I’m struggling with my feelings about my own mother atm. She is 85, has dementia so
my stepfather and obligation are nagging that I ought to talk to/visit her, just because.
She was a lousy mother and frankly it wouldn’t bother me at all if I didn’t see her again. The only thing causing any doubt is that I’m really fond of my stepdad.
My slightly older brother would have a different view. He sexually and physically abused me. She knew about the violence, not sure about the rest. He was still the favoured child.
He no doubt has very different opinions about our mother. I wouldn’t know, cut him out of my life as soon as I was adult, 40 years ago.

Point is, you nor I have no idea about the relationship between OP’s mother and her siblings.

Well according to you the majority of people were abused by their parents!! I really can't be bothered wasting any more time on this nonsense, and of course, being MN all those who were abused (or think they were) come out of the woodwork and the majority who weren't stay silent.

Once again, I think I know my friends better than you do.

I'm finding MN such a negative place these days, I really need to find better ways to occupy my time - amongst normal people.

Looking forward to some time in the future when your children are on here saying what a bad mother you were!

It's threads like this that really make me despair at how many truly unpleasant and opinionated people are around. Shame on those who have repeatedly attacked the OP and her mother.
I have some sympathy with anyone planning to travel anywhere by train, particularly over a bank holiday but this is not just any old birthday. @TizerorFizz I don't think you can do anything about this, just make the day as lovely as possible for your mum and those who are there. It is not your job to make excuses for them, just say you have invited them but they have said they are unable to come and, when your relative posts on FB reply to it saying "Such a shame you were unable to join us today but Mum looks forward to seeing you soon"

Well according to you the majority of people were abused by their parents!!

I never said that, in fact the post where I went through official ONS statistics is in direct contradiction to this assertion

Once again, I think I know my friends better than you do.

I never said you didn't. I said that people who are abused don't always talk about it even to people they are close to. It's hardly a radical idea.

Looking forward to some time in the future when your children are on here saying what a bad mother you were!

I don't have children. My nephew who is in my care may believe I am a bad mother figure to him, but he is entitled to that view.

Things I find even more amazing - no national grid to supply electricity, no television, radio broadcasting only 2 years old. She’s the same age as the shipping forecast.

@QueenOfHiraeth completely agree.

No toilets in the house and heating water once a week to bathe in a tin bath in front of the fire. Imagine how todays instagram teens would cope with that.

When my Mum and her little sister were at primary school, they lived near Clydebank near Glasgow, which saw very heavy bombing. They walked to school on their own and if the air raid sirens went off they had to make the decision whether they were nearer home or school, and run to whichever they chose. Huge responsibility on very young shoulders! They were a few years younger than the OP's mum. My aunt sadly died in her 50s but my Mum is still going strong at 91.

Teens today have many other difficult things to cope with. things move on and every time has its difficulties.

I mean there are teens in gaza simultaneously grappling with having to flee their homes and move across the country away from bombing and managing to be on Instagram, so I guess some "Instagram teens" of today would be unfazed by the odd wash in a tin bath whilst coping with things that would probably make you flinch a little...

i bet those saying that these siblings should travel 500 miles to celebrate their mother’s birthday irrespective of history, background, their feelings towards their mother…. are the type of parent that forces their children to “kiss goodbye!” to great uncle Harold when when said child very much doesn’t to.

@TizerorFizz Good on you. I have been informed today that my friend who achieved his centenary earlier this year is now fading fast - though accepting things as stoically as he did when he served with distinction in WW2.
Had we not made the effort to attend his birthday celebration, there would not be the opportunity to make up for it later.
Be there for your Mum and give her the best day you can manage.

@Taxbreaks out of interest… would you still have gone to this friend’s centenary if you very rarely saw him, wasn’t geographically or emotionally remotely close, and in the recent past had gone 7 years without having anything to do with friend (as the Op writes on another thread about her sibling and mother)?

@fruity81 what a strange thing to say...

Surely it's got to be more around the logistics of travelling and cost? 500 miles by train isn't cheap (and sounds like only one of them would be eligible for a railcard?).

We looked into a shorter journey to get to a funeral last year and the train timings/connections meant it would have taken at least two, if not three days, thus incurring at least two nights of accommodation. When it looked like getting to one funeral would cost half our annual holiday budget we decided against going.

If there's engineering work over Easter, meaning travel will have to be earlier or later and also take longer, how many nights of accommodation is that and how much does that cost? You could be looking at someone having to start travelling on the Thursday and returning on the Tuesday potentially, with five nights away! That's a worst case scenario but seems like a lot for one birthday party.

It's a 500 mile round trip for each sister. That could be the equivalent of London to York, for example, which is doable in a day by train and (at a pinch) by coach. If you book far enough in advance, and especially if you have a railcard, you can get some pretty cheap rail fares. 250 miles is also not that far to contemplate doing it by coach. The OP is of the opinion that they're both well enough off to be able to afford this trip. OK, she could be wrong, but they have known for a long time that this birthday was coming up, so could have budgeted for it.

If these sisters wanted to be present, they easily could be. We will never know why they've both decided against.

It's further than that, London to York and back is about 350 miles. 500 miles would be more like London to Newcastle and back.

I wouldn't want to do that as a day trip!

And that's assuming they're both travelling from near a main line station and the OP/mother live near a main line station with a good reliable direct line between the two. Newcastle to London is pretty good reliability wise but expensive. It's a bank holiday weekend with engineering work, there won't be cheap fares available.

And I bet the journey isn't as straightforward as that - distance from
station, changing trains, branch lines with a handful of trains a day, timings for this birthday get together all mean a day trip is quite probably not feasible, even without bank holiday train services.

I wouldn't do that journey for a birthday, even a 100th one unless I really really liked the person concerned. When I'd probably tie it in with a longer holiday to make the most of the time/expense of all that travelling.

And lovely quiet roads!