100th birthday and 2 daughters not coming for the day

[TizerorFizz]

I simply don’t know how to tell my mum that they are not coming. 100th is at Easter and they are saying trains are unreliable. 3 out of 5 grandchildren not coming either - all adults. How do I tell mum? I’m devastated for her. I’m finding it hard to suppress my anger. One of my siblings rarely visits anyway but surely for a 100th birthday you make the effort!? Any advice welcome.

Laziness, lack of care, genuine travel issues, personal reasons - hard to tell for strangers on a forum

But there is a lot of emphasis on everyone attending milestone birthdays in general and not everyone thinks that’s a great idea

To go from very few visitors throughout the year(s) to a houseful on 1 specific day of 1 specific year has the potential to be overwhelming

Why not suggest they visit at another time? If it is travel issues that would allow them to pick the best day for them to travel

And means mother gets multiple visits with time to talk to each person rather than being faced with a wall of people & only a few minutes with each

(have seen people standing around talking to everyone except the birthday person on past occasions)

The added benefit is that no-one is feeling ‘forced’ to be there, ‘stressed’ by travel, or ‘pissed off’ at having had to strong-arm others to come.

Slightly also - lots of assumptions that children are avoiding the mum - could quite easily be they are avoiding siblings

A pretty poor show .... However good advice on PPs on focusing on the positives rather than those missing, and eg doing a facetime on the day. Agree some of the family members might have health issues that means complicated travel is unpleasant too (I'm 49 and I avoid all but an occasional/simple journeys by public transport due to a bad leg!)

Suggest to all that she has a second birthday on a summer weekend. Let your siblings/the missing grandkids suggest a good one. If it ends up being a 'staggered' celebration, eg two visiting her on her actual birthday and then two another weekend, then so be it. Although the occasion can be 'forgotten' and it turn into a 'normal visit' .... But presumably it would be nice for her to see them anyway. Certainly market it to her as a 'staggered' birthday to mitigate the hurt.

There is no obligation for anyone to attend someone else's birthday. You just do your thing, OP, and let others make their own decisions (and communicate them).

I think the point someone made about age is highly relevant here, along with some of the other points

People potentially in their 70s travelling via train on Easter have a right to feel that that's too much for them just down to age and health alone.

By pitching it as my mum's children won't come to a party it's kind of playing down the ages of those involved

My Mil in her 70s is still pretty fit and healthy, goes to exercise classes and is involved in all sorts but she would baulk at travelling across the country with potential bus replacement services etc depending on the distance

This is what I was thinking

If they can't make their mum's 100th birthday, then it's on them to contact her and explain the reasons why. Both children and grandchildren.

How old are her DDs though? If she's 100 then her children could easily be in their mid-late 70's and have their own health and mobility issues.

A lot of posts on here with concers for parents' health and mobility are in thar age bracket. Asking a person in their 70's to navigate a long train journey with possible bank holiday delays, overcrowding and changes is maybe a stretch.

Is there no other way to get them there?

YANBU in general BUT what is their relationship with her like?

Maybe they just don't have a positive relationship with her.

Are you the golden child, by any chance?

If I live til I'm 100, my daughter will be 79 and could quite possibly have her own health issues by then.

Many people who are 100 will have kids aged 82!! Not unreasonable that people in their late 70s, early 80s might be put off my public transport etc.

Depending how far away they live, maybe they just can't afford it, the travel costs, time off their work, somewhere to stay etc You can't always just drop everything even for a very special occasion such as this. As others have said dropping in by facetime would be a good option, especially if they send their gift in advance and then they can see her open it, put on party hats & sing happy birthday when you bring the cake out, pull party poppers and all that stuff. That way they're still joining in and being part of her celebration and she can see & interact with them that way.

Ah thats really sad.

Oh no, I’m not surprised your upset, his awful for her and what poor excuses :( I suppose the best you and family that can be bothered can do is make sure it’s a wonderful day for her (with the help of a few white lies)

How old are the DC? If she's 100, her DC could easily be 80, are they well enough to travel?

I’d assume they don’t have a great relationship with her.

How often do they come to see her in other years, when she is not turning 100?

Lots of projection here, as so often on MN. Yes, there must be some nasty 100yos. We don't know if OP's mum falls into this category because she's not told us. Just as likely that her siblings and the grandchildren aren't making Granny their top priority. Thinking here of a family member who booked a holiday a long way ahead for a fortnight including a significant date in another family member's life, thus making it impossible to have the family celebration that others had assumed would take place. Birthdays and wedding anniversaries don't change date from year to year!

Are her children also elderly? How far do they have to travel and how far do you have to travel.

I think i'd pull out all the stops for my mum but everyone is different.

As a PP said, you don't have to tell your mum, let them tell her.

I was thinking this too.

One way or another, this is not your problem and it's not your job to police these things. You get to choose what you do, you don't get to choose what other people do. I'm not sure why you would feel the need to tell her that people aren't coming (unless you had previously told her that they ARE coming). Just have the celebration with the people who are there on the day.

I think age of the children is definitely a thing. If my gran were alive, she'd be approaching 100. My oldest aunt is 83. My youngest is 72. Both have health issues. Neither will drive at night. A celebration involving travel would have to be carefully planned. Perhaps gchildren could take, but chances are they'd be in their 40s with children of their own etc etc

Me also.

@TizerorFizz people would have to have a fantastic reason and not an excuse for not attending. Do the daughters not drive? If not maybe they can arrive a couple of nights before?
Unless there's a backstory???

Can you collect them @TizerorFizz ?

No. Cannot collect. We are having my family to stay so I’m extra busy. I’ve arranged everything and done all the previous celebrations- 80, 90 etc. 500 mile round trip twice isn’t on either! There are trains. No they don’t drive.

The backstory: they don’t care. They’ve managed to come to take what they want from mum’s property. My bigger problem is how to tell mum.

My siblings are 63 and 58! Nothing wrong with them at all! Both are keen walkers! No mum would not be overwhelmed. No I’ m not doing it again the summer. She could be dead by then. Lots of assumptions made here. However I still think fit, essentially middle aged siblings, all younger than me, should come.