🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@MsJinks Thinking of you 💐

@MsJinks thinking of you. We are here for what comes next, if you need us. 🌺🌺🌺

@MsJinks

To which she replied with her usual response of 'No everything most certainly is not ok' I can so clearly hear that in my Dad’s voice!

MsJinks thinking of you.

Glad both of you now have peace @MsJinks It’s a funny time of year to achieve anything practical so hope that means you can have some time to process emotions for yourself.

@MsJinks 💐

We just about survived Christmas Day but no thanks at all from my mum despite me picking her up, taking her to visit to dad in the care home, video call with my sister & family and bringing her back to ours for lunch.

She talked about herself all day and didn't ask any of us (inc. DH's family) a single thing. It was exhausting and has made us determined to go on holiday next Christmas.

Dad wasn't too great, very tired and not altogether with it which makes me feel sad. I'll take DC over to see him this week.

Just as @funnelfan says, it’s such a difficult time to achieve anything practical @MsJinks that you are best wholly concentrating on you and getting your strength back. I am very sorry for your loss. In a funny way, you have to start re-training your brain to put your own needs ahead of anything else.

@MsJinks thinking of you, and hope you get help and support with paperwork etc when needed.

We were advised not to visit or have any sort of video call to MiL Christmas Day. Phone calls haven’t worked for months and luckily DH agreed video call would likely make her aggitated. Hope he rings today just to ask how she was. Home rang to say she fell off her chair on Xmas Eve - no injuries.

DD got really angry that one of the poetry leaflets that he ceremoniously handed to all at Xmas lunch as our Christmas presents (he and friends paid for printed poems written of recently deceased friends poems) was still on the table an hour later! He started angrily telling my DS how he had spent £500 on these poetry collection, how dare someone just leave theirs at the table. Clearly not noticing that for last hour I had been washing up, cleaning, making hot drinks or getting wines and beers. I managed to contain my annoyance and say nothing. My DS has parents for 4 days so I mustn’t complain. I can see signs of future issues but because DD is good at quizzes the signs of decline are subtle but include that ‘I am oldest and wisest so all must stop and listen to me posturing’ E.g. He told my very knowledgeable intelligent SiL that there is definitely no such bird as a Nuthatch! it was valid answer in a game we were playing. I also suspect his pride means he might be quietly cheating so that he continues to get high scores in all our games. DM just says, I am not good at this and I can’t be bothered to think. At least she is honest. 😁

another family gathering later, with extra relatives including DDs younger brother, friendly but competitive - DD moans to us that his DB is self centred and wants to be centre of all conversations ….. funny that.

@MsJinks Sorry for your loss but glad that you can now start to put yourself first again.

It's interesting and reassuring to hear everyone saying their elder ones have no interest in anyone else and just totally focus on their own selves and how everyone else can service them, because this drives me up the wall with my own dad. He just moans on and on and on and on about how he has life worse than absolutely anyone else, ignoring the fact that he does everything he can to make life harder for himself, gets up at 5am for no reason whatsover then moans about how long his days are and completely overlooks the fact that I am run ragged between them, Dd and Dh, my job and my house, plus a 45 mile round trip to see them. After the two weeks of mum going into respite care he has made no changes whatsoever and has gone back to do everything the same way he did before that made him ill. He won't listen to anyone. He even cancelled the carers on Christmas night so they could have the night off. FFS.
I said to him the other day that while he only had to worry about 1 person I have the needs and demands of 4 people on my plate plus a stressful full time job. He just says nothing or finds some way that I still gave life easier than he does

@MsJinks thinking of you

My DM only ever talks about herself too. Often, when I've visited her on my own, DD will ask if she asked about her and of course, she never has done but also doesn't ever ask about me either! I often take our little dog who DM likes best out of all of us, probably because she is the most pleased to see DM and also doesn't ever answer back. Before Christmas cards started arriving, DM had made a little shrine on a side table to DDog. There was a photo of her in the centre and she'd put a large candle (not lit thankfully) either side.

My mums world has shrunk to just herself too, no interest in the world outside her bedroom walls. Although she will always say thank you before I leave, and that she appreciates everything I do. I do think that is a product of her upbringing to be always polite rather than fully appreciating the impact on my life. But at least she does say it even while defaulting to me as the person organising her life and not recognising the carer burden we all carry.

I’ve not opened a single Christmas present yet as DH has been on duty for several days at his mums over 300 miles away (an entirely different saga starting there, he’s an only child of an only child so no local family), and we agreed to have Christmas when he got back later today.

My mum has about 15 anecdotes that are now her only conversation. Any visit gets a selection of 3 or 4 of them on a 10-15 mi ute rotation. Not only do you get the same stories over and over but it's like she has a script for each one that she sticks to. If you try and ask a related question eg "was the aunt you were evacuated to with the outside toilet the one with a sweet shopping?" Or did the aunt live in North Berwick or Musselburgh will just get a yes/no answer then straight back to the set script.
If you ask a question like "what have you done this week?" You will likely get an anecdote about her childhood or a holiday 20 odd years ago.

Oh yes, the anecdotes! DD and I were calculating how many there were the other day and arrived at around 12. There are some which are more popular than others so these feature much more often so we don't get the rotation like you do. I know the lines myself and used to try and divert the script to talk about something a bit more interesting, but that just prolongs it, she will talk about that and then pick up exactly where she left off! DM and I don't really have any proper conversations. I deliberately plan a few neutral topics to 'discuss' before I visit as she gets angry so easily or starts reminding me that I don't have a job (I'm medically retired). Mostly we tend to talk about the recycling which has recently changed and we now have 6 different containers per household, some weekly and others fortnightly. The prices in Tesco feature a lot too, she has a remarkable memory of the timeline of the 'price journey' of milk and lettuce. This is a bit of a dangerous topic as it can bring on the anecdote about rationing and how flour wasn't rationed.

@Fantasea that made me smile, but you also have my sympathy. My DM tells a few familiar tales on a loop and a few opinions, usually negative accept for her cleaner who is a saint and the hardest working person on the the planet, which whilst lovely is based purely on the fact that she stands up to iron for an hour, for fairly decent hourly pay. One very regularly repeated story about cousins son ‘ I’ll never forget when etc. …’. he is 29 now 🤣.

@MsJinks My sympathies. I hope you're getting through all the death work without too much holiday-related delay. One of my parents died during a national party time, and it felt strangely isolating to be shut out, even though it wasn't something that would have interested me much.
The anecdote repertoires are interesting. MIL began to exhibit signs of this years before anyone suspected dementia. She was always a bit inclined to see others only in relation to herself, so it was harder to spot when that became a more marked version of self-absorption.
FIL is spending a few days with SIL this week, which gives us a bit of a post-Christmas break.

It was quite sad on Christmas Day when I asked mum if she'd had a nice time at DB1s big family gathering a few days earlier. There were 4 GC ad 5 GGC and DB2 lives several hours away so she doesn't see him and SIL often. She just erred and gave a very hesitant yes, no more. I don't think she actually remembered it.

MsJinks, Things must feel pretty complicated right now, take good care of yourself.

@Fantasea mum has the rationing anecdotes too, and recently surprised me by producing an actual rationing book! The anecdotes become sort of crystallised/fossilised as time goes on, so we are left with a little nugget. We’re at the stage now where I know the anecdotes better than she does, and can fill in the missing bits. I hadn’t thought of counting how many there are - that might be quite interesting.
I had a good day today. Mum let me trim her hair, and she also very very reluctantly and with a lot of grumbling, changed into a different (“horrible, ridiculous “) pair of trousers so I could take the pair that she’s been wearing for the last four months to quickly wash and dry and get back to her tomorrow ready for a hospital appointment! Hurrah!

 @MsJinks

My DM has the anecdotes too, I wonder whether some of it is an attempt to sense-make their lives as they are coming to the end of it. On war memorabilia, she has a gas mask!

@mrjinks Sending a hug and hope you’re doing ok with the emotions of the last few weeks.

My dad was taken into hospital over Xmas and my mum is no longer able to be left on her own. I was away at other family for Xmas but am home now and psyching myself up for this next phase.

One of the things I read about dementia is never to ask about the recent past. It tells them of something they “should” remember but can’t. “DB told me how nice it was to see you the other day, and that you had two helpings of pudding so obviously enjoyed it” is ok, “do you remember…” is not - too much like an important exam for which your preparation has been inadequate.

I’m using this time to fill in on family history. I’m trying to get to the bottom of why there was so much angst over whether Arthur Higginbottom was going to marry Great Aunt Ruby or not.

I also try to have something with me like crochet to occupy the 9/10ths of ny brain that isn’t needed for following the conversation.