🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I have a kettle that Mum used in the lab during the war. A very fine beast it is, dark green enamel and shiny brass where the cable plugs in. We replaced the element so it’s still useable in an emergency (though thinking about it, the element replacement was so I could use it at school in the 6th form, so over 50 years ago )

Reading a story on the bbc earlier which is very sad - someone taking advantage of an elderly man showing signs of cognitive decline and separating him from his daughter. The daughter has had a very different experience from many of us but I imagine just as stressful.

'My elderly father found a new partner - then vanished from my life' https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-67773394

@ThreeForMee wishing you luck in this next phase!

@MereDintofPandiculation - yes, I’m the same with family history. I love DMs reminisces about the past - it’s a good day if I can get her talking about her childhood. I’ve recently started learning Welsh as she is fluent but has no one left to speak it with and this has brought us both a lot of pleasure - I get different stories out of her because it triggers different memories.
Though sometimes she tells me things I really didn’t want to know about people.

Before MiLs huge decline she told me lots of family secrets, some I would rather have not known, she said don’t tell DH, I said I didn’t keep secrets from him. But luckily for DD’s war project many years ago MiL wrote a little letter about being a child in London in the war, so glad we have it.

Hello, may I join you for a cuppa?

My lovely Mum is 79 and in end stage Parkinson's. She also has dementia. Dad is 82 and her carer. She's been in and out of hospital for the last 18 months and had a couple of spells in respite to give Dad a break. She's been in hospital for the last 6 weeks after a fall which broker her pelvis in 2 places. She is being well cared for as far as I can tell on my weekly visits (a 300 mile round trip on the M1) but increasingly confused and started to say some unkind things. I know it's not her, and it's her illness/the meds doing the talking but I still find it really hurtful.

I'd love some advice on how others might have managed to rise above it when this happens - I don't want my last memories of her to be how she has become.

I couldn't rely on mum's anecdotes as reliable history. She often tells me about their holiday in Kenya when, allegedly, a wild elephant kept coming to the hotel so people could feed it currant buns.

I deal with by trying to observe as if I were observing a lab rat. It entails emotional detachment, but I find it's not as difficult as it sounds to be emotionally detached sometimes and restore the emotional attachment for the occasional moments of light. Easier for me as my dad isn't deliberately nasty, it's more grumpiness and not enjoying things that you've gone to a lot of trouble to set up for him. Went to a lot of trouble to make up a small photo album of important people in his life. He's never looked at it since, doesn't want to. Doesn't bother me. "Oh, well, that didn't work. I wonder what I could try next".

My experience with my mother was that, although the months after her death were filled with images of her struggles with illness and her less than desirable behaviour, as the years passed the memories of earlier and happier times came flooding back, and are what I think of now, not the later stuff. So don't worry about your last memories of her - they may well be grim - because they will gradually fade into total significance against all the earlier memories.

I get hurtful comments from my dad (16+ years of Parkinson's) but I know it's not really him. I find his hallucinations & delusions hard to deal with at the moment too. He's sleeping a lot more than normal and although his nurse talked about this being the beginning of the end, there's no knowing how long the end will be.

I find being with him when he's sleeping quite peaceful, like the Parkinson's isn't there and he's back to being my normal dad. Just fallen asleep in the armchair like he used to after Sunday lunch at my granny's house all those years ago.

@countrygirl99 I am sure there were a few inaccuracies in the secret stories…. she either has a very active imagination or nearly all men in women in her life had affairs! Although at least one story is true - when they started to include the women in the flat above we chose not to believe her😮.

Just stepping in to share my frustration.

Elderly FIL has advanced multiple myeloma which has weakened his bones. Multiple healing fractures (hip, spine, arm). Was hospitalised for a few months then discharged home into a downstairs hospital bed and palliative care.

MIL was eager to have him home but has rapidly learned what a bad idea this was. He should have gone into a nursing home. Would be cheaper than paying for 24/7 private carer cover, which she chose because she’s terrified to care for him by herself, and is in bad physical shape at any rate.

FIL rallied for a while but seems to be having a big decline. Extreme pain leading to repeat middle of the night 999 calls for pain relief (I’ve no idea why the hospice aren’t handling this - because it’s Christmas?). I think his spine is deteriorating further. I feel like he needs to go to the hospice to give MIL some respite and get on top of pain management, but I suspect both MIL and FIL would refuse because hospice means the end (that would be their belief anyway).

DH utterly emotionally detached and I don’t know whether it’s because his father was a shit father or whether it’s denial (perhaps both). It’s quite frustrating to see him not really acknowledge that his mother is going to pieces (surprising, in a way, since she too has been controlled and abused) and needs support.

Everyone is in denial and I wish I could shake some sense into them.

@Jellycats4life I am sorry, that sounds so tough. It's hard enough when the parents you are helping have been nothing but supportive and loving but it must be so much harder when they have been abusive.
it's probably easier for your DH to be in denial rather than maybe go against the wishes (or perceived wishes) of someone who is controlling and abusive like your FIL. It's hard to admit that, rather than this happening to other people, it really is happening to you, that this is your reality. Neither of his parents are facing the reality of the situation and crossing the line of making the decision for them is impossible if they will not agree. I can understand why your DH wants to bury his head in the sand, it sounds an awful situation.
as the spouse you are one step removed so can see things far more clearly as you don't have the same lifetime of emotional baggage to unpack with the situation.
wishing you strength for what is to come x

Thanks @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew

I’m glad that I am one step removed right now, and I also feel very emotionally distanced because I’ve always been able to see him for what he is. Husband and MIL are mired in fear/obligation/guilt. They will struggle to go against his demands, as indeed they always have all their lives.

Thank you @MereDintofPandiculation and @WhatHaveIFound. Your advice was comforting.

Yes, the delusions/hallucinations are hard, although often my Mum's are benign - for example she sees her grandchildren (when they were small). I try to laugh off some of the things she says but every now and then she manages to say something which gets through. She was sleeping quite a bit a week or two ago but has perked up again.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001tqx3?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

There was an interesting and rather terrifying article on Woman's Hour this morning about abuse of vulnerable elderly people. At least it's getting more attention now.

Interesting article here about putting yourself first sometime as I'm sure many of us have lost a lot of 'me time' looking after our parents.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/dec/30/the-healthy-guide-to-being-selfish

Can I just come in, scream for 5 minutes, no one ask any questions, and then leave again 😬😬😬😬?

My patience ran out about 2 hours ago and it’s still several hours til I can go to bed.

Of course- the walls are padded, scream and break things in our rage room…. You are not alone.

We have cotton pads that you can bite on while you scream if it helps. I'm sure there are some fresh ones in the cupboard even though they have been in frequent use recently.

Scream as loud and as long as you need. No judgement here.

Thank you all. And god bless ‘the Xmas jigsaw’. Cuts down on the same question for the millionth time!!

My brother came home for Christmas. I asked him to take over some of the caring duties while he was here so I could just have a break. He has engineered a whole scenario and family argument which has ended with him putting his hands on my daughter. He has now flounced off saying he won’t be back. He did the same when Mum died

The loser here is our beloved father who adores his son

StrandedStarfish, did you post before Christmas that he was coming? If that was you, I'm sorry your fears were realised, in such an upsetting way.

@StrandedStarfish My brother is similar.

Whenever he sees my DM he ends up "flouncing", is quite vile to people, cuts people off and then very slowly gets over it & feels incredibly guilty. He wants to make amends but the same thing happens all over again.

Maybe I'm making excuses for him - he has very bad mental health that has its roots in my DM's controlling and emotional abuse in his childhood (me and DSis have same). I see him as becoming very mentally overwhelmed when he's with DM - she still thinks she can say & behave as she likes without consideration of other people's feelings.. It is very upsetting for everyone concerned and the only answer in my family's case, is to keep DB and DM at arm's length from one another.

Family history and dynamics are tough to navigate and more so when elderly parents etc have dementia and age related issues@ . Sorry to hear @StrandedStarfish, it’s hard to know what to say or do.

I know I have to learn to bite my tongue as my parents age, both say some odd things, I tend to have more sympathy with DM, DSis more with DD, DB between the two but looses patience a little quicker although he can turn it to humour more easily than I can. MiL now so confused she doesn’t register a two way conversation is taking place. DH managed a 10 minute visit to nursing home before it became pointless - sad but realistic.