Life expectancy sent by email - relative

[BillStickersIsInnocent]

Hi, I hope someone can help.

I’m really shocked by this communication but I could well be missing something. A relative received an email after a CT scan saying he had inoperable lung cancer and giving him 2 years to live. 2 weeks later another email saying his scan had been sent to another clinician who has concluded he has 8 months to live.
This feels so cruel, I would have thought these conversations happen face to face or at least over the phone where you can ask questions.
Does anyone else have any experience of this type of communication?

😂

You’ve done all you can now with the letter to SS. All you can do is sit back and wait for Xmas… At least you won’t have to feel guilty. You tried!

There may not be any physical abuse BUT I do wonder about financial abuse. Is the son "helpibg" his parents with their finances. His lies are not only ridiculous, it is a clear strategy usd in coercive control, pretending to be I'll!! Which would explain his dad being "persuaded" it's not lies!!

I have also had a lung CT recently. My potentially serious diagnosis came in a letter.

OP I'd be keeping a record of visits "postponed" by GP or hospital since if seriously concerned your DB would surely be kicking up a fuss.

Otherwise, how is it going? It must be hard for your DF to process.

Hi @crosstalk well it’s still rumbling on. I have had a series of text exchanges with the father where I have articulated my concerns, I have also said that I used the scam angle as a way to end the worry about the 8 month prognosis as this announcement was greatly concerning them. However now the son is using ‘I’ve been scammed’ for everything, including a bank ‘scam’ where his account was cleared out. I’ve basically said the son can’t be trusted.

Unfortunately the father has agreed with me, but has shrugged it off because the son is ‘so helpful around the house’ and otherwise his wife would need to go into a home. So I think the father is aware, but accepting. I’ve no reason to doubt his capacity to make the decision to continue supporting the son, although it makes me so angry and sad.

I assume the bank scam is a way to distract from the fact that the lung cancer was meant to be only part-hoax, part-real. I think the last version you mentioned here @BillStickersIsInnocent was that the chest x-ray had taken place but all the contact from the hospital, Macmillan etc from that point on was a weird hoaxer. The father still believed the son was seriously unwell and they were waiting for the GP to stop cancelling appointments long enough to refer him for another scan (I mean obviously this is what you would do, rather than e.g. ask the radiology department to review the existing image).

So is he now not terminal? Hope so, as he's needed to help around the house 🙄

I guess the father feels trapped. Although I don't understand why, given this whole crisis came about because they'd already made the decision to move to more appropriate accommodation. Why not proceed with those plans after all?

Good question, I asked him about that and he said they weren’t thinking about moving for the moment. I didn’t press it.

I think the father does feel trapped, when they were planning to move before they were looking for a flat to rent for the son, I guess it’s simpler and cheaper to just keep it as it is now, especially now he is ‘so helpful’.

Re the appointments, he apparently has a GP appt on the 6th June, the last one having been cancelled by the GP as they had referred him for a new scan instead. But that last appt was all a hoax too, apparently.

The thing I’m coming to realise is that there will always be another lie coming up, he just bounces from one to the next. The cancer, the dental hospital, the bank scam. I wonder if he’s actually delusional.

I mean two ‘dodgy’ transactions on his bank statements were from ATMs! Which have cameras. If he called the fraud dept to investigate they would show him withdrawing the money. But he said he called and they won’t investigate, just send him a new card and pin.

It’s all obvious bullshit but I think with their dynamics now he can just get away with it.

Did they give him money to make up for the cash 'stolen' from the ATMs? That will be what tips this over into something reportable.

So I'm not sure whether he's supposedly had another chest x-ray now, and is seeing the GP for the results (WTF) and I doubt he's sure either. There's a brilliant book by William Goldman called "Which Lie Did I Tell?" - would it be too on the nose to get this as a Christmas present? Not that he will be alive at Christmas, of course.

I don’t know whether that’s happened with the cash, I haven’t found a way to ask that yet.

Based on this latest set of lies, he hasn’t been referred to the hospital for another scan/X-ray because that was a scam but will be seeing his GP on the 6th for goodness knows what.

Ha that made me laugh! I’m very tempted…

Based on this latest set of lies, he hasn’t been referred to the hospital for another scan/X-ray because that was a scam

It remains an utterly preposterous tale, doesn't it? So someone now impersonated the GP on the phone and told him he'd been referred but he hadn't?? I really hope the mum doesn't believe all this as it would make someone very frightened to engage with health services if you can apparently be elaborately hoaxed to this extent.

Yes quite. How would he have known that phone call was a hoax anyway? But it doesn’t seem to matter how many inconsistencies I point out, the father still seems to be happy to let it slide.

Re the mother, I’m not sure what she believes. Her cognitive processing has been affected since the stroke. She has said to me before that the son isn’t truthful. However she (like her husband) are wary of scams so this whole thing might be plausible to her. Certainly her recent experience of health and social care for her own health made her more likely to believe his lies before the ‘scam’ was revealed.

Have read all through this thread in complete despair. How awful for everyone concerned. Parents will accept many things from an adult child, especially when it is a transactional relationship.

I can't praise you enough, and I hope you can continue to support the parents

I think you need to let their GP and social services know. If he's that conniving you don't know what he'll do. I would say from what you've written that they are in danger.

I've read this entire thread.... given the demise was scheduled to happen around Christmas (I.E now), is he somehow still
Managing to hang around?

Hopefully parents are safe.

Good point @winniebeen , hope that the relative remains alive and well, although wouldn't be devastated if it turned out he was under police investigation at this point.

But also @BillStickersIsInnocent I hope you've had a peaceful Christmas and been able to get some respite from this psychodrama.

This he is scamming everyone and probably trying to extort money out of his parents for treatments or life-enhancing treats

What a mess.

I just wanted to add that it must depend on the NHS trust as dh and I have all communication from the hospital via email, all appointments and copies of letters to our GP informing them of treatment etc. It's followed up by letter too but email initially. My friend was told she had cancer by a phone call ,this was last year so not even during Covid.

Thank you @tribpot

Well he is still around but fortunately he has moved out which has at least put some physical distance between them. I don’t know how long it will last and there’s some issue about updating the police with his address, but so far things have been calmer.

As an aside from the main thrust of the thread, medical communications can be quite a challenge.

I have a friend who has had some big medical problems over the past few years and they've taken a lot out of her.

And the post is completely buggered where she lives.
She forgets to charge her landline handset. Or puts it down... somewhere. Forgets where.
Ditto, mobile.
Oh and there is some back end issue with O2 where it says she's not available when she is, for some time after any previous call (SUPER).

She rarely checks her emails. I went round once and found the phone had had a problem connecting to the WiFi for a week and when I fixed it, a whole bunch of emails came through.
Messages - ditto.

When the post comes through (late and in huge batches) it piles up unopened for an indefinite period.

When she does speak to someone on the phone, or read an email, or a letter, there's a good chance she'll forget or confuse the details afterwards.

Like... imagine running your life when you're floored by flu, but it's like that all the time.

Mix all that up with the normal chaos that is hospital appointments (we once found 2 letters informing her of a) an in-person appointment b) a telephone appointment on the same time and day and with the same department ).

And it's a miracle any communication ever takes place!

I assume you don't want to say too much about how the police are involved @BillStickersIsInnocent but I do hope he isn't wasting police time as a victim of supposed scams 🙄It is very good news that he has moved out.

No it’s related to a previous offence.

Just picked this thread up. He sounds something like a friend's ex who claimed he had leukaemia. He scammed thousands from her. I remember how hard it was to convince her he was lying about so many things. It was so blatant but she wanted to believe him. He hated me and another friend who saw through him and refused to "lend" him money for "taxis to urgent appointments because hospital transport have mucked up" or because "the bank were bringing him money so he could but the member of staff delivering it got mugged on the way so now I can't buy her Christmas present". Well done for not giving up.