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Elderly parents
Original poster

Life expectancy sent by email - relative

598 replies

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:12

Hi, I hope someone can help.

I’m really shocked by this communication but I could well be missing something. A relative received an email after a CT scan saying he had inoperable lung cancer and giving him 2 years to live. 2 weeks later another email saying his scan had been sent to another clinician who has concluded he has 8 months to live.
This feels so cruel, I would have thought these conversations happen face to face or at least over the phone where you can ask questions.
Does anyone else have any experience of this type of communication?

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TempNCforthis · 26/04/2023 11:56

Well, it's Wednesday today! It'll be interesting to see what excuse he has. It must be so awful for his parents to think of him lying about something as serious as this.

Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 26/04/2023 15:10

I’m finding this so hard! On these days of the visits I find myself doubting everything. I’m trying to remember:

The emails with prognosis cannot be genuine because a) the people who wrote them don’t exist at the hospital, b) the top oncologist doesn’t exist c) the NHS don’t email life expectancy d) the NHS don’t give specific time scales to life expectancy

And therefore the visits cannot happen because there is no need as the emails are fabricated.

It all sounds so ridiculous written down so I don’t know why I’m doubting myself so much.

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tribpot · 26/04/2023 16:27

The whole thing is ludicrous so it's understandable that you're struggling to make sense of it @BillStickersIsInnocent . Especially when you're getting it all secondhand off the parents.

It's still possible that he had the chest x-ray and CT that he claims to have had. It's still possible that the hospital have been trying to contact him for further tests. I suppose it's even possible that he's actually had those further tests. But none of those things would have triggered the activities he claims have happened - emails with life expectancy, MDT with patient present only it got cancelled, referral to Macmillan that somehow keeps getting lost down the back of the sofa. So the balance of probability is that he's lying about all of it.

The tragic thing is, I suspect if he told his parents "I panicked when you said I had to move out and I made up a terminal illness" they would probably, ultimately, forgive him (and maybe not even move as a result). All this is doing is causing massive distress to everyone else - which I suspect is his MO.

Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 26/04/2023 17:34

Apparently it’s been rescheduled for tomorrow. Father says the email looks genuine as has a MacMillan email address. Would that be right though, I thought MacMillan nurses were NHS but funded through the charity at least initially.

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Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 26/04/2023 17:35

So the email would be NHS. Gah this is all such obvious bullshit I need to walk away

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JingleBellez · 26/04/2023 17:39

Top oncologist lol!

AnnaMagnani · 26/04/2023 17:47

Nope, no Macmillan nurses have Macmillan email addresses. They have email addresses connected either to the trust they work for eg [email protected] or an nhs.net one eg [email protected]

Even when they are funded by Macmillan (for the first 1-2 years of a newly created post) they are never employed by them.

Macmillan do have a helpline which has nurses but they aren't going to come and visit you at home.

tribpot · 26/04/2023 17:55

Once again he shoots himself in the foot, why didn't he reschedule this until next week and buy a bit of breathing space?

There's some information here you could send to the father, although of course it doesn't explicitly say "for the benefit of anyone trying to impersonate a Macmillan nurse, we don't have Macmillan email addresses". You could suggest the father calls the Macmillan helpline, although frankly I don't think he should be wasting their time.

Bozo's got to come up with a new excuse tomorrow. Just keep biding your time.

LittleBlueBrioTrain · 26/04/2023 18:27

What's he going to do when, you know, he doesn't die?

Maybe you should suggest his parents update their will to reflect the fact that he won't be around to inherit and then see what he does (I joke, obviously!)

Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 26/04/2023 18:46

@LittleBlueBrioTrain I have wondered that often! I’m not sure he’s thinking beyond the next day tbh though!

ha ha re the will, that would be funny.

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declutteringmymind · 26/04/2023 19:05

I would reconsider reporting the father as a vulnerable adult to SS. They will be able to investigate properly - even if the son drops this attempt, they will always be at risk. They need to be free of this horrible man and live out their old age as they wish.

Rosula · 26/04/2023 23:24

Just wondering whether he'll go so far as to pay someone to dress up as MacMillan nurse and come and spin more lies.

Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 27/04/2023 08:54

I texted the father last night to say that Macmillan nurses won’t have a macmillan email address. Father said the son was upset at this news as this means it was another ‘fake’ and that they had also looked at the other ‘dodgy emails’ (his words) and spotted that they came from lots of different email addresses and so must be fake and the son is very grateful for me pointing that out (!) Father said he thought the son had probably called a number from the ‘fake’ emails to speak to the ‘hospital’ to arrange the Macmillan visit. Honestly the father is usually an intelligent man and I have no other reason to doubt his mental capacity but this is nuts.

Anyway they say the plan today is to call the hospital, using the number for the lung cancer navigator team I have given to the father. So hopefully either this happens and it’s all revealed as a lie, or the son refuses to actually do it and the father finally puts 2 and 2 together. I can dream anyway!

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SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 27/04/2023 09:01

What a stress for all; you for trying to be diplomatic in your suggestions, the dad in trying to work through it all, and the "patient" for trying to keep up with all his lies (although I have no sympathy for him!).
I'm guessing that he'll go whole hog for the "scammers are trying to scam me... oh woe is me....." scenario.

Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 27/04/2023 09:13

@declutteringmymind yes I’m thinking more about this. The thing is the parents are quite glad of the help at home, and of course he is reliant on them for bed and board which muddies the waters and can create a toxic environment for abuse to happen. I think in many ways though they might not want to rock the boat as the set-up works for them on a day to day basis right now. I don’t know if I’m making sense with this, it’s all quite complex. But getting SS might make things worse on a basic needs level and they would not thank me for that.

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Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 27/04/2023 09:23

Yes @SmallAngryPenguinWoman I think that’s the route he will take with it, he saves face and a good story to share with others for him.

Thank you all so much for all your advice and support, I would have been lost without it.

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StillWantingADog · 27/04/2023 09:40

the best outcome now is probabably that the parents come to believe that it was all a big scam and that the son had nothing to do with it, every breathes a sigh of relief and moves on. I think the parents will be very grateful to you.

I can't fathom how awful it would be for a parent to find out that their son had deliberately lied about being terminally ill. Probably best for them to believe it was a scam even if it was all orchestrated somehow by the son.

While I think on here we'd like it if the son got his comeuppance that doesn't really help his parents does it who are clearly quite vulnerable in all this and the people the OP really cares about.

tribpot · 27/04/2023 09:54

Yep I think the outcome today will be a call to the hospital to find out he isn't a patient (that does somewhat call into question how he had a chest x-ray and CT without apparently being registered at the hospital, but I strongly doubt anyone will want to pull on that thread). He should then concoct a story that this was a set-up for a fake Macmillan nurse to get into the house and rob them, so thank goodness they were - er, too busy about ten times in a row and had to keep rescheduling (you know, the way thieves do - sorry we couldn't visit to rob you today, would tomorrow be convenient?).

The question then is whether it had the desired effect, and frightened the parents into giving up their plans to move to a more appropriate living situation. That's up to them, really - they have housed a sex offender and con artist up until this point, so even if they have private suspicions that he perpetrated this scam, they're unlikely to change their mind as a result.

And ultimately the outcome for you @BillStickersIsInnocent is to be even more sceptical of anything you hear from or about this person in the future. Not that I think you were hopelessly naive to believe what you were told initially - who on earth would think that someone would make a story like this up, even this guy.

LIZS · 27/04/2023 10:06

Or it will be a "misdiagnosis" and overreaction to initial test results.

LittleBlueBrioTrain · 27/04/2023 10:41

I wonder if there's a way of alerting a bank to the fact that someone is vulnerable and at risk of financial exploitation. I know there are cases where banks have intervened because the member of staff has had concerns, but a father transferring a sum of money to his son probably wouldn't seem suspicious

LIZS · 27/04/2023 10:44

Yes you can but I think it has to nok or someone with poa. Banks etc will have a vulnerable customer policy.

BuntyFayreweather · 27/04/2023 12:50

Banks do have huge checks now.
This situation is so exhausting OP. I still think Age UK is the best route. If the parents are elderly they often have a carers coordinator at the local doctors surgery. You could ask them to keep an eye from the perspective that they may need extra help if the son is unwell. No accusation just a nudge. Still hoping this guy backs off and a line is drawn. Ultimately am sure you would like to pull him aside and say I have your number sonny Jim. Difficult for a woman to do but if no decent person keeps am eye these things end badly.

Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 27/04/2023 16:08

Ok I think it’s over. Text from father saying the son fully accepts he has been scammed. He is grateful to me (!) and will start to tell people ‘the truth’. Which no doubt he will enjoy.

So no cancer, no 8 months to live, his parents don’t need to worry about caring for him etc.

Gosh I feel relieved. Thank you everyone for all your help, support and guidance.

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ReadersD1gest · 27/04/2023 16:15

BillStickersIsInnocent · 27/04/2023 16:08

Ok I think it’s over. Text from father saying the son fully accepts he has been scammed. He is grateful to me (!) and will start to tell people ‘the truth’. Which no doubt he will enjoy.

So no cancer, no 8 months to live, his parents don’t need to worry about caring for him etc.

Gosh I feel relieved. Thank you everyone for all your help, support and guidance.

Who is he trying to say scammed him? 😵‍💫

WhiteBobbin · 27/04/2023 16:20

I’d say it’s wonderful news to the father that his son isn’t dying, but as he’s been through the hospital system perhaps they should go to the police or the hospital PALs, as only someone in the NHS could have started this scam knowing he’s been for a ct scan…. unless he wants to admit this was also a lie……
How is it possibly a scam when no one has asked for any money?