Life expectancy sent by email - relative

[BillStickersIsInnocent]

Hi, I hope someone can help.

I’m really shocked by this communication but I could well be missing something. A relative received an email after a CT scan saying he had inoperable lung cancer and giving him 2 years to live. 2 weeks later another email saying his scan had been sent to another clinician who has concluded he has 8 months to live.
This feels so cruel, I would have thought these conversations happen face to face or at least over the phone where you can ask questions.
Does anyone else have any experience of this type of communication?

But why does his dad think the MacMillan nurse will show up if it's a scam?

@TempNCforthis no idea, because he wants to believe it’s true I suppose.

I think I would bow out and leave them to it. You have to want to believe to get scammed.

It sounds as if he is heading for an interpretation that his son is being scammed, not his son is the scammer.

Which would be psychologically more acceptable.

I wouldn’t ask any further questions around the ‘scam’ as that’s likely to rock the boat and with these characters (the DS) and is inadvertent enabler (DF) and their dynamic somehow it will be turned on you as the scapegoat.

I understand your frustration and rage - but that energy could be unproductive won’t help you.

Be satisfied that you have saved the old people from trauma and just watch it unfold with indifference - that stance will tell the DS and DF that you know exactly what’s gone on without saying the words.

@Ooolaaaala yes that’s very wise, thank you.
I do feel pretty chewed up by all this, and a bit hyper focused on it which isn’t helping I know.

Yep, totally agree with @Ooolaaaala If you push too hard, it may force the father further into the son's corner. Step right back out of it now. The father knows what you think, and may have more suspicions than he's willing to let on right now. You would go to some lengths before you'd believe your child was capable of such an appalling deception - even one with this guy's track record. They may be living in the fantasy world of 'well he's done dreadful things but he would never do harm to us'. Dream on.

Can you find some suitable distractions until Tuesday so it's not weighing on your mind so much?

I do! I have an assignment to finish, plenty of gardening and a child’s birthday tea to organise.

i think this is very unlikely but should someone turn up dressed as a macmillan nurse do you trust them not to hand over money if asked?

My step-Dad never attended the MDT - they are for professionals.

@BillStickersIsInnocent hope you’re ok?

@Coulditreallybe yes all good thanks

Yesterday was interesting, Father reported that apparently the nurses who were coming had been organised by the son himself, who had phoned MacMillan directly. When I pointed out (to the father) that wasn’t possible as you need a health care professional to refer, the son then said they were from the hospital after all and he had called the hospital to arrange. But he’d got the date wrong and they are coming on Wednesday after all.

I’m not sure how long he can string this out for!

This is such a dumb lie for him to have made up. But try not to get involved in the detail, or he will manage to pin this on you.

I am sorry OP this is still going on. I bowed out about a week ago due to a bereavement but am shocked to find this fraudster is still at play. Have you spoken to Age UK? They can advise if the police need to be called. This type of fraud might be covered by coercive control.
My distanced friend (I posted about her antics up thread) always has a back up drama. Someone made her do it, she didn't know yada yada. Sociopaths can be very cunning. Never their fault, they blame everyone but themselves. It is a mental health condition but it doesn't excuse the lies and damage.
Inpersonating a doctor is a criminal offence, I am not sure if that applys to nurses. I bet you are exhausted.

Well, Wednesday at a minimum until they cancel and rearrange.

Yes, the son is obviously going to keep making up excuses why they can't attend, but hopefully the longer it goes on, the more preposterous the excuses will become - until the parents are forced to accept this is a lie.

Thanks @tribpot that’s a good point, I think by getting involved in the detail I’m giving the son guidance of what to say. My aim is indifference but I’m not quite there yet!

@BuntyFayreweather I’m so sorry to hear of your bereavement. I haven’t spoken to Age UK yet, I think that’s my next step. I’m not sure how interested the police would be since no money is involved, but I can get advice on that from Age UK as you say.
I’m ok, just sad and cross that his parents are having to deal with this on top of everything else they have going on.

I get very cross too. My friend laughed last week when I ticked her off for her latest bit of financial skulduggery.
Everyone pussy foots around these people but they really need a good hard shake and to be told to stop this f**king nonsense. When I have tried this approach out comes the symptoms of illness. There was a cancer scare a few years ago which nobody ever discussed, funny, not funny, that.
I have little breaks from my friend (sometimes because she has been detained elsewhere!). I do think it is an illness but this condition also includes a narcissistic personality. They want, so they must have. DD is studying psychology so her insight has been enlightening! Keep yourself safe.

People and the press use the term ‘nurses’ very loosely, especially if you are one! However, it is a criminal offence to claim to be a registered nurse.

Meant to say this is infuriating, especially if you are one. 🙄

@AppleDumplingWithCustard i thought as much. Two of my nieces are nurses and they would be peed off indeed.
Let's hope the OP rumbles this person.

@BillStickersIsInnocent
blimey

unfortunately it looks more and more likely he acted alone rather than being duped by some conman.

if he did indeed arrange the nurses via the hospital then perhaps you could suggest to the father that he calls them- or asks his son to call them- to check what day they are coming (!).

i wonder what the sons plan
is when they continue to not turn up

Sorry this is still rumbling on @BillStickersIsInnocent . I think your best policy is to treat the matter with an air of cynical disbelief and change the subject. The more questions you ask, the deeper a hole the son digs and the more backtracking he will have to do ultimately. There was no cancer diagnosis, there are no nurses, and the whole thing is an elaborate hoax to stop his parents moving into suitable accommodation for the next stage in their lives. But he must have known it would become obvious sooner or later that he isn’t actually dying. People who lie easily forget what is true and what is not I think.

@TopOfTheCliff this is it - why did he give himself 8 months to live? Surely he could have figured out that would mean he would have to look vaguely symptomatic and receiving end of life care fairly soon. Why not stick with the original 2 years to live - nice and vague, he could go into remission several times, string it out for a good 5 years. Very poor job.

It does sound like the parents need to believe he is innocent to protect themselves but hopefully when nothing happens they’ll slowly start to realise he did this. But why. I’m guessing so they didn’t kick him out and downsize