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Elderly parents
Original poster

Life expectancy sent by email - relative

598 replies

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:12

Hi, I hope someone can help.

I’m really shocked by this communication but I could well be missing something. A relative received an email after a CT scan saying he had inoperable lung cancer and giving him 2 years to live. 2 weeks later another email saying his scan had been sent to another clinician who has concluded he has 8 months to live.
This feels so cruel, I would have thought these conversations happen face to face or at least over the phone where you can ask questions.
Does anyone else have any experience of this type of communication?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Facem81 · 13/04/2023 11:13

Has he told you this or have you actually seen this?

Facem81 · 13/04/2023 11:14

Are you on the uk?

Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:15

Yes UK. No I haven’t seen the emails.

OP posts:
catherinewales · 13/04/2023 11:20

No chance that would happen. I'm going through a cancer diagnosis with my mum right now and she's had face to face appointments.

NCgoingdry · 13/04/2023 11:24

You're not getting an email telling you that you have a terminal illness. Never.

Facem81 · 13/04/2023 11:25

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:15

Yes UK. No I haven’t seen the emails.

im not surprised because if in uk I could tell you for a fact that they were fibbing

Robotik · 13/04/2023 11:25

I work in the oncology sector and I am really shocked/surprised, in fact it seems unbelievable - a follow up email or letter yes but surely the initial consult was in person?

Facem81 · 13/04/2023 11:25

Sorry you’re in uk

in that case op - I am afraid they are telling porkies. Fact

GettingThereCharleyBear · 13/04/2023 11:27

Is there any chance that your relative isn’t telling the truth? This just doesn’t happen in my experience - these conversations are had f2f wherever possible, phone in very rare circumstances.

BigglyBee · 13/04/2023 11:29

Aren't clinicians also notoriously reluctant to give figures on life expectancy? It would seem very odd for them to volunteer that information without being pressed for it.

My MIL asked several times how long she had left, and was given "Months, not years" type answers, except for once when she was told that she was being allowed to go home so she could die in her own bed. (She actually died in hospital, 15 years later!).

Facem81 · 13/04/2023 11:30

GettingThereCharleyBear · 13/04/2023 11:27

Is there any chance that your relative isn’t telling the truth? This just doesn’t happen in my experience - these conversations are had f2f wherever possible, phone in very rare circumstances.

It’s not a question of “chance”

either the OP has misinterpreted the info or the person is fibbing

junebirthdaygirl · 13/04/2023 11:32

Are they by any chance trying to get money or something from you and playing on your sympathy. Could you ask them to forward you the mails so you can understand what is happening. If they are elderly would it be a scam saying someone has cancer and they need money and they are getting mixed up thinking it's them.

Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:34

Ok thank you. I was very surprised about it.

Would a clinician refer to another doctor as a “top oncologist”?

OP posts:
Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:35

@junebirthdaygirl they are declining to forward the emails.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 13/04/2023 11:37

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:35

@junebirthdaygirl they are declining to forward the emails.

Then they are lying and you should disengage

Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:38

Oh god.

OP posts:
6namechang3 · 13/04/2023 11:38

When my mum had terminal lung cancer we got copies of the letters sent by the consultants to the GP which did lay out the terminal prognosis, but all initial communication was done face to face. My mum was also very confused due to brain mets and had very little recall of the discussion with the consultants. We were always present in these meetings, but has your relative forgotten or blanked these conversations?

Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:39

How to I approach this? Relative is late 40s and living with elderly and infirm parents. He has a history of manipulative and criminal behaviour and has been in prison for sex offences.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 13/04/2023 11:40

They would not get this news by email for a start. Also I would be very surprised if any Medic would give a specific time on how long someone has to live.
Sorry OP, they are lying

Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:41

@6namechang3 I did wonder about that, he said the emails came out of the blue but he could be in denial I suppose. No one went with him to his appointments.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 13/04/2023 11:41

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:39

How to I approach this? Relative is late 40s and living with elderly and infirm parents. He has a history of manipulative and criminal behaviour and has been in prison for sex offences.

Why do you need to approach it?
Sounds like they will just lie and lie some more, I have some experience of this kind of person and you need to just keep well away

Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:43

@Hoppinggreen his parents are devastated by the diagnosis and are extremely worried about how they will care for him. I can’t bear to see them being manipulated, if that is the case.

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purplecorkheart · 13/04/2023 11:43

I don't think news like that would be sent by email. I would be very wary about this. I would not be surprised if you get another email asking for money for something related to treatment etc

6namechang3 · 13/04/2023 11:44

@BillStickersIsInnocent with his history sounds more like he is lying than confused or in denial.

hairdresserbreakup · 13/04/2023 11:45

Agree this is total BS from the individual. I do not think another doctor would refer to a colleague as a "top oncologist" in written communication.

Surely just say to them I am so sorry to hear this news. Please keep me informed about next steps for your care. Shut them down. Do not give them any money.