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Elderly parents
Original poster

Life expectancy sent by email - relative

598 replies

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:12

Hi, I hope someone can help.

I’m really shocked by this communication but I could well be missing something. A relative received an email after a CT scan saying he had inoperable lung cancer and giving him 2 years to live. 2 weeks later another email saying his scan had been sent to another clinician who has concluded he has 8 months to live.
This feels so cruel, I would have thought these conversations happen face to face or at least over the phone where you can ask questions.
Does anyone else have any experience of this type of communication?

OP posts:
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5
pinkyredrose · 13/04/2023 21:19

IGiveUpalready · 13/04/2023 21:06

Whilst all rapists are sex offenders, not all sex offenders are rapists.

OP didn't say he was a rapist.

I have a(disowned) family member who is a sex offender - he regularly flashed old ladies in a park and his computer was removed due to the content. He wasn't a rapist, a bloody idiot, but his parent stood by.

Its a huge leap to go from sex offender to rapist (neither are inexcusable and both vile beyond belief)

Show quote history

It's not that huge a leap. People often don't want to day the word 'rapist' about someone they know.

OP hasn't said he's a rapist tho, you're right. I think I usually assume the worst when I hear about sex offences.

justanotherdrama · 13/04/2023 21:25

@BillStickersIsInnocent

My mum had cancer this just doesn't happen at all.

I think you should phone adult social care and report this household as a vulnerable one and say your concerned for this relatives elderly parents and given his history your concerned about the truth in all this.

I cannot believe people lie about a terminal illness I just can't fathom out why but it's heard of and people scamming people out of money for various things and go fund me's etc....

I would definitely escalate this. Also my sister works in a hospital and she never emails patients they don't have email addresses for patients only a postal address.

OldFan · 13/04/2023 21:30

I would definitely escalate this. Also my sister works in a hospital and she never emails patients they don't have email addresses for patients only a postal address.

I've had emails but it's if I've phoned and asked for an address the departments are willing to use and emailed them about something. They told me something about medication but it was just that I couldn't try one because it interacts with something else I'm on. That was frustrating but not devastating I guess.

Kendodd · 13/04/2023 22:02

SheSaidHummingbird · 13/04/2023 20:37

Kendodd It would never be discussed 'publically', only in person, at a face to face appointment where it would just be you and the healthcare professional.

I would consider that public. I would have to receive bad news in front of someone else, I can't stress how much I would hate that and would much rather receive news like that alone, by email. I know not many people might feel that way but I would.

whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 22:45

@Kendodd Appreciate everyone has different perspectives but I think legally they have a duty of care where they can't just "dump" the info on you and then vanish, they have to "talk you down from the edge" so to speak

LemonTreeSkies · 13/04/2023 23:16

When I was pregnant my ex, the nasty bastard, told me he had inoperable stomach cancer.
Not had any form of contact in 21 years but he’s still alive afaik

People do this shit

Kendodd · 14/04/2023 08:43

whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 22:45

@Kendodd Appreciate everyone has different perspectives but I think legally they have a duty of care where they can't just "dump" the info on you and then vanish, they have to "talk you down from the edge" so to speak

Presumably I could refuse to attend any meeting and insist bad information was given by email or even letter if they refused email? The thought of being given information like that in public horrifies me. I would have no space to sit and process it because I would be on display. I also hate the idea of dying in public, even just with my own family, who I love more than anything, around. I suppose dying, I would have to think about what's best for the people left behind though and if seeing me die was better for them then I'd have to do that. With a terminal diagnosis, I would hope, at least in that moment, what was best for me would come first, not what was best for the hcp delivering the news.

I don't want to derail this important thread (sorry OP) I just wanted to put across that receiving this sort of information by email would be best for some people.

JingleBellez · 14/04/2023 14:22

I didn't want my last CT results in person. Tough. Had to be face to face. It's in case someone misunderstands and to help the person.

anon666 · 14/04/2023 17:43

Can you come at it from the angle that you are concerned that he is being scammed.

That maybe he has received fraudulent emails and therefore you need to help him understand whether that is a risk?

CrazyLadie · 14/04/2023 17:50

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 12:48

The other thing that bothers me is that he hasn’t been given any details of the type of cancer (beyond basic organ type) or grade or stage. Or whether it has spread. He seems to think this info will come with the macmillan nurses but that sounds very off to me. Unless of course he has been told this but is in denial about it or has forgotten.

How would macmilliam tell him the details about his cancer? It's private medical information and they won't have access to that, hus Dr would tell him everything face to face and would advise taking someone with them as its a lot to take in. He is lying through his teeth, I think ya have to consider possibly ruining her relationship cause ya can't just let this guy do this to his elderly parents, absolutely disgusting

Singapore4 · 14/04/2023 17:54

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:15

Yes UK. No I haven’t seen the emails.

Ask to see the letter and update us.

CrazyLadie · 14/04/2023 17:56

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 13:31

@knittingaddict the first he heard about the diagnosis was that first email giving him 2 years to live. Before that he’d had a chest X-ray and then a CT scan for coughing, breathlessness and chest pain.

A biopsy is done before a cancer diagnosis is done, I think that's everytime as they heck the cells as other things can cause similar symptoms.

Ange1233556 · 14/04/2023 18:09

This absolutely wouldn’t happen. My dad has stage 4 lung cancer. I cannot express how many scans, tests, biopsies, doctors etc we have seen over the course of a couple of months. They won’t even talk about how many months to live unless you really push!! They didn’t even say the word cancer for absolutely ages as using all sorts of euphemisms. They have all been insanely kind and considerate as this is their area of expertise. Nothing ever comes on an email, ever. It’s all written correspondence

BuntyFayreweather · 14/04/2023 18:09

Sex offenders often have 'for life' convictions. I am a coppers DD.
I have a distanced friend who has been in and out of prison for financial fraud. The lies are breathtaking including the cancer issue some years back.
I would talk to the probation service because they may say we can't help you but boy they will investigate. If he is under licence any crime will send him back. Sadly these people have no shame, it's a mental illness, usually sociapathic.

MustWeDoThis · 14/04/2023 18:23

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:39

How to I approach this? Relative is late 40s and living with elderly and infirm parents. He has a history of manipulative and criminal behaviour and has been in prison for sex offences.

Sounds like a compulsive liar and narcissist, to me. Do not respond or get involved. You could inform the local health board you think a relative is lying about a terminal illness to gain...whatever they are trying to gain. Funds? Get rid of their parents? Take attention away from their sex offences?

Jeclop · 14/04/2023 18:26

There is no way this is real. My father passed away from cancer. Everything was face to face and they wouldn't even give him a "life expectancy" as they said each person is different and reacts to cancer differently.

FighterMumTigerMum · 14/04/2023 18:33

catherinewales · 13/04/2023 11:20

No chance that would happen. I'm going through a cancer diagnosis with my mum right now and she's had face to face appointments.

Then you are lucky. Mine was news delivered over stilted phone calls. No one in the room with me, no support given. That was after a week in hospital for emergency surgery and no visitors allowed. So yes, the news could and will be delivered in any way the clinicians see fit.

LILLYPRINT · 14/04/2023 18:33

My husband has just been tested for cancer and although it was clear, he still had a face to face appointment.

FighterMumTigerMum · 14/04/2023 18:35

My oncologist didn’t give me type or grade or stage or anything. I had to dig it out of them - and it was stage 4. Macmillan were useless and guarded and still are. And it’s still all over telephone calls apart from my treatment which I get in person. Makes it feel very out of body when there is no one seen in person.

PollyAmour · 14/04/2023 18:42

grumpycow1 · 13/04/2023 19:22

Where I used to work, a student faked cancer to get out of an exam - forged Dr notes and everything. You’d be surprised what people can do….

I'm a nurse and one of my colleagues (now struck off the register) faked having uterine cancer, took heaps of sick leave, accepted donations towards a 'final family holiday' to Disneyland with her 2 sons (total raised almost £6k), and was only revealed to be a complete fantasist when HR requested consultant letters confirming diagnosis and she submitted fake ones.

ToWhitToWhoo · 14/04/2023 18:47

It sounds as though he is either lying or confused. People are unlikely to be given a specific life expectancy of '2 years': doctors may know that someone's death is imminent, or that they have a life-threatening illness but a chance of reasonably long-term survival, but in the latter case they wouldn't usually give such a specific estimate,.

Littlemissdj · 14/04/2023 18:49

I don’t think this is true OP. My DH passed away 4 years ago and his diagnosis/prognosis was done F2F. His oncologists were very vague with how long he had left, gave averages and said things like months not years etc.

IrisAtwood · 14/04/2023 18:55

CrazyLadie · 14/04/2023 17:50

How would macmilliam tell him the details about his cancer? It's private medical information and they won't have access to that, hus Dr would tell him everything face to face and would advise taking someone with them as its a lot to take in. He is lying through his teeth, I think ya have to consider possibly ruining her relationship cause ya can't just let this guy do this to his elderly parents, absolutely disgusting

Show quote history

I have breast cancer and my nurse specialist told me that she is a MacMillan nurse. She has access to all my results and is usually at my appointments.

Gilead · 14/04/2023 19:01

I’m currently in remission from lung cancer. It is not diagnosed by Ct and x Ray alone. PET scan is also required to determine whether it has metastasised, whether it’s a primary or secondary etc. A plan of action is put into place with either chemo or radiotherapy or both. If radiotherapies are involved he will be at the hospital daily for a period the usual minimum being eight days. Chemo will involve either being in hospital or at home treatment regularly. Nobody ever had an email giving a terminal diagnosis after an x ray and a CT scan.

Mandyjack · 14/04/2023 19:08

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:35

@junebirthdaygirl they are declining to forward the emails.

Sounds a bit odd they would say that. If they don't want to then keep out of it.