Life expectancy sent by email - relative

[BillStickersIsInnocent]

Hi, I hope someone can help.

I’m really shocked by this communication but I could well be missing something. A relative received an email after a CT scan saying he had inoperable lung cancer and giving him 2 years to live. 2 weeks later another email saying his scan had been sent to another clinician who has concluded he has 8 months to live.
This feels so cruel, I would have thought these conversations happen face to face or at least over the phone where you can ask questions.
Does anyone else have any experience of this type of communication?

I think the scam idea is a great starting point. Think it through clearly though - do they need to be in the same room? Or will you talk to the parents first?

What happens if you hit a dead end - if it’s money - he’s going to want it ASAP - before he gets ‘ill’ - so could be instant.

Do you have a plan B - can you do an anonymous elder abuse / vulnerability report?

What will the end game of the scam tactic be - for him to drop it discreetly - or to expose him?

How are the parents taking it? Would they be suspicious?

I've letters too.

So he just received the emails saying that he was going to die in x amount of time? There was no treatment plans, medication discussions (because when you’re dying of cancer it’s very painful and requires prescription medication to control the pain that’s typically a lot more powerful than cocodomal)? No end of life or any mention of palliative care? The macmillan nurses are a red herring, he will have a clinical nurse specialist already within the hospital that he will be able to contact for all info about his cancer and all of the treatment options available to him.

I don’t think they gave out medical diagnosis and life expectancy information through email even during the pandemic. Every single instance I know of was at a minimum a telephone call during the height of it - and the main hospital departments in our area even set up video calls.

Munchausen’s? I had a colleague who said she had cancer. She straightened her hair to make it look thinner and claimed it was falling out. She had epilepsy and it was well controlled but she would stop her meds to force a fit at work as a way to get attention from someone she liked. I fell for a lot of it, until the “hair falling out” as it was before she had started any “treatment”.

And all that is to say I believe he was lying.

@BillStickersIsInnocent Going from my experience with my ex, people who tell these kinds of lies don't even necessarily have a specific aim in mind (or at least, not one specific one.) It can also be just to effect people's general tendency to go along with what the manipulator wants in every way (though of course some do have a specific financial or other motive, too.)

He is lying. Nhs don't do anything by email except once you have a relationship and even then it's always always letter on top. Also diagnosis of cancer is always ftf. And they never ever give timeliness like 2yrs then 8 months. Ever.

No

@BillStickersIsInnocent Just a different experience- my relative found out they had cancer when they read a form for the radiologist that they were asked to take home and pass on the next day. I was furious and wanted to contact PALs. I had to leave work as the relative was beside themselves. I’ve seen the movies, soaps and Macmillan ads where someone is holding your hand as the bad news comes. Nope. This was how it happened. The relative concerned wanted to focus on their treatment plan rather than complaining so I never got to the bottom of how and why this diagnosis was passed on in this way. Surely a mistake but just an example of how it can happen.

A big leap? How so?

Really good suggestion.

My cousin regularly pretends to have cancer. She’s had several, involving surgery and chemotherapy. None of it is true.

Wow, how do you know. I find that fascinating

I had this situation with a relative. We went through all the stress and worry but then I started to become suspicious of his lack of knowledge about the treatment even though he claimed to be attending the hospital for it every week.
I expressed concern at him attending the appointments alone and insisted on driving him to his next appointment and staying in the waiting room.He suddenly had a cancelled appointment but still claimed to have terminal cancer. I told him I was making a referral to social services for him to get carers and he suddenly made a miraculous recovery, telling me the treatment had worked.

A close family member of mine was told she had terminal cancer whilst on the train on the way home from her appointment.
They didn’t tell her how long she had to live though.
It turned out, not long 😢

That's really heartless!

Sorry for your loss x

I think you've had some very good advice on here OP, although I haven't read the full thread.

As an aside, and for any health care professionals reading, if I had cancer worries and was to be given a terminal or other hard diagnosis, I would much, much prefer to receive the information by email. I could be on my own, in a quiet place to open it and digest the news. Having to be given information like this in public, face to face would be the worst possible way for me to get it. I know this might be a minority view but I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels like this. Good news would be fine to receive in public but bad news, I would want on my own.

unfortunately I could believe anything now. When my mother was in hospital we actually watched as a consultant entered the room, pulled the curtains around a patient’s bed - tell her he had her results and asked her to phone her husband so he could hear - then proceeded to tell her and the husband (who was driving home after visiting) that she had weeks to live. The woman was devastated as was her husband who was then told if he couldn’t drive home just to pull over and organise a taxi. The consultant then got up and walked out. It was utterly awful

Just a different experience- my relative found out they had cancer when they read a form for the radiologist that they were asked to take home and pass on the next day.

@Makingupfactstosuitmyagenda My friend often gets letters come with unexpected findings that are bad news etc (not necessarily cancer scares but sometimes I think.) It's poor communication from his team. But these are letters, not email.

Kendodd It would never be discussed 'publically', only in person, at a face to face appointment where it would just be you and the healthcare professional.

I would contact social services, his parents are vulnerable and need some outside support.

@Keepingitmoving Yes I've known of all sorts of cock ups happen and awful stuff. But if this relative has form for lying and worse, and isn't willing to show OP evidence, I would assume this particular instance is a lie (some people do have a habit of lying.)

Shocking things do happen but we can weigh up the balance of evidence/likelihood, and that includes the previous character of the person claiming stuff.

My uncle lies about something different in virtually every conversation. It means that if he is telling the truth about something, you can never be sure whether it's true or not. But I can have a good guess based on the likelihood of things and his previous character/what he's likely to do.

For instance he claimed he'd read prince harry's book and said he told a lot of truths about the royal family(?!) He never reads/can barely read. I said 'ooh, could I borrow it?' (knowing he didn't have it as he wouldn'tve read it) and as I thought he claimed he didn't have it as he'd borrowed it from someone else and had given it back (even less likely as it'd meant that he, with a learning disability that impairs his ability to read etc, had read it in just a few days.)

Whilst all rapists are sex offenders, not all sex offenders are rapists.

OP didn't say he was a rapist.

I have a(disowned) family member who is a sex offender - he regularly flashed old ladies in a park and his computer was removed due to the content. He wasn't a rapist, a bloody idiot, but his parent stood by.

Its a huge leap to go from sex offender to rapist (neither are inexcusable and both vile beyond belief)

Vanishingly few flashers do jail time.