How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

I'm really sorry that she saw therapy as an attack on her and didn't engage but ultimately she was wrong to ever do what she did so was always going to have to realise that.

Her only card is to say you are driven by money and it's so sad that she feels it's in any way true. If she does it's a reflection on her.

Thank you for updating.

This was the other thread but there's been a few lately :(

Treating grandkids differently in Will http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4880364-treating-grandkids-differently-in-will

OP, my heart goes out to you, because you are now in a situation where you can never feel content with the outcome.
Whether you get the money or not won't heal the pain of not feeling valued by someone you felt close to.
I tried to view this from your mother's point of view....I have one daughter and 2 sons, and spend much more time on outings or phone calls with my daughter. The idea that she should feel lucky to spend that time with me, to such a degree that she doesn't receive what my sons will receive in inheritance, seems so vain!
That my company is that wonderful! If anything I'd feel she should be rewarded for gifting me her time.
I think how you've handled this situation is very kind and dignified, you gave your mother lots of chances to understand your view. I hope you feel proud of how you dealt with it, a great example to your children too.

So sorry OP, I also agree with @Oblomov23, she sounds like a narcissist. I recently realised this of some of my family members and fully expect that I was disinherited years ago in favour of my siblings who are much more financially stable. I have done similar to you, and have less contact.

So sorry to read this OP my mum sounds very similar in many ways.

She favours my younger brother, sister, niece (sisters daughter) and brothers dog and nieces dogs over me, my children, husband and our dog.

She wouldn’t entertain the idea of counselling and would say its all in my mind, she had a feeling I felt like that, didn’t know where I get that from etc etc etc.

Her final kick in the teeth for me will be when her will is read out) I have no idea whats in it but can well imagine).

Brother lives with my mum, sister and niece are falling over themselves to visit my mum. If I offer to take her out for the day or visit I get knocked back as usually they got in there first or she can’t be bothered or will just leave it or will get back to me. I try to visit once a week now but don’t phone as often as I did and I am careful what I tell her. I am pulling back for self preservation. Like your mum my mum also thinks we earn masses more than we do.

We live in a better area than my sister but probably earn a similar amount to my sister who is always pleading hard up and her and her partner are always spending on massive TV’s, latest phones, outdoor clothing, canoes and electric bikes etc.

Like your mother mine doesn’t see anything wrong and never sees the unfairness in how much time she spent with niece looking after her growing up to help my sister out, prioritising nieces feelings over everyone else’s at my fathers funeral, money she spends on gifts for niece, she even gave my nieces boyfriend my dads tools and I have a son, my childrens photos have been put away readon being they have grown up now and the only photo in my mums living room is of my sisters family when niece went off to Uni our wedding photo (sister isn’t married) and my graduation photo have been relegated to the hall).

Now my kids are late teens I never pressurised them to visit as my mother as she did nothing for them and I know whatever I or my family do it would never be enough. I usually visit on my own at a time convenient to me.

I too agree with @Oblomov23.
This is very sad but ultimately your mother has behaved appallingly.

I can only imagine the grief and sadness but this is really a situation not of your making.

I think distancing yourself was wise, the greater the detachment the better.

She is clearly the one money obsessed and has chosen it over you.

You must wonder did you ever know her.

You may not have, sadly.

Please do absolutely everything to protect yourself and your child, your mother has made her choice.

I wish you well and feel very sorry for you.

Hi @potoftea I hope you don't mind me asking but why do you spend more time on outings and phone calls with your daughter than your sons?

No need to respond if you'd rather not I'm just intrigued - my Mum moans endlessly if I don't call her at least once a week but I recently found out my brother only rings her every couple of months(!!) but she seems fine with this.

@EmotionalBlackmail im the OP and I also spent loads more time with my mum than my DBs. I’m guessing most grown men don’t hang out with their mothers in the same way that grown women do? DM and I have multiple shared interests, none of which DBs have, I would also ask my mum a lot about parenting. I’m assuming SIL asks her own mother and DB doesn’t have the same parenting questions. I’ll also go shopping with DM, share recipes with her take about general household stuff that DB wouldnt.

Ah ok, thank you. That sounds understandable in your situation but not mine - would definitely not ask mine for parenting advice or recipes or anything else and I'm not close to her so get a bit annoyed that my brother gets away with so little contact.

The OP's mother isn't very respectful or kind about her daughter, either.

The OP is simply calling a spade a spade. She will be the person undertaking the personal care.
If anything, the OP should receive more money for that.

@Ameanstreakamilewide hear hear.

@MissingYellowzigzags I know one of my relatives struggled with this as one dc is significantly better off due to her DHs income/family. In the end she split the money equally before 4 which we all thought was the right thing to do. The dc that didn't need the money gave the vast proportion of her share back to other siblings.

between 4

On the other hand I have another relative who thinks she should inherit a lot more because her siblings were all helped onto the ladder as their partners had family money & she was single & not even on the ladder yet.