How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

OP that sounds terribly sad on your part. Does she have form for treating others like this, or has she done anything historically that might nod towards this behaviour? It sounds like she's punishing you in some way. Does she have some deep rooted sexism that she might not be aware of? (If she's treating sons and daughters differently that might be the case). I simply cannot imagine why any caring parent would do this to their child.

So sorry OP. I really feel for you and understand how hurt you feel.

So sorry OP. Was there favourable treatment of your brothers when younger? My parents struggled with my brother, but sent him to private school (undiagnosed ASD, with the local school raising concerns was a factor) and funded Uni for him. I went to the local comp and had to work through Uni, despite better grades. In our case I wonder how much it is a case of clutching at 'upper class traditions' with the son favoured.

Actually reflecting on this again, the family therapy is making progress. The fact she has admitted the current split of inheritance is down to your DHs earnings is a huge step forward for her.

My guess is it's not even about you, it's about her treatment all those years ago. If she admits she is treating you shabbily, then she has to admit that she too was badly served.

Keep going to therapy but keep the contact low.

Let her realise what it's like without you in her life in meaningful way.

And if she does leave it all to DBs and they accept it, I would go NC with them both.

Hi OP, I feel very sorry for you.

Basically, it is sexism. It's irrelevant how much your earn - if you were a SAHM she would probably still disinherit you based on what DH earns. The point is that the boys are the "providers" and she wants to make them at least equal to your DH and you are the "carer" who is expected to run around after everyone and provide unpaid labour. It's really up to you how much you want to be seen in this way - your aunt clearly has the same values.

One of the reasons why splitting inheritances equally is fair (aside from the emotional/favouritism aspect) is a form of Rawlsian philosophy in terms of splitting the cake. It's not possible to be precisely fair, because the clock on what you all have doesn't stop when your mum dies - your husband could get ill or leave, a brother could win the lottery or get a better job, or a brother's wife could leave and take him to the cleaners. I think that there's a case for a less equal split if, for example, one sibling's basic needs cannot be met without it, but this is not in that territory and your mum is being very unfair.

When your mum says she has given you a lot of time, is this unencumbered mutually agreeable time, or time where you need to make yourself available to do something for her? I'm not saying there's no value in time, but often people don't really value women's time, or the things they might do for themselves if they were not running around pleasing someone else.

You are allowed to feel sad and disappointed. I think it is healthy to try to get a bit of distance and I think it is helpful to frame it in that way to your brother and aunt - it's her decision and you just don't see her in the same way, so you are distancing yourself to protect yourself from further hurt.

It is clearly sexism and old fashioned idea that wealth should pass down the male line.

Given that she clearly doesn’t have a high opinion of you - and possibly all woman - do you think it’s a good idea for DD to have 1-2-1 time with your mother? I’d look carefully at that time they have together, not as punishment for your mum, but because I’d worry what was said to DD. If being round your mum isn’t good for your mental health, is it good for your daughter?

I'm glad that the therapist is, carefully, (given her role) making it clear that she empathises with you, and she's trying to get your mum to understand what she's doing.
It's bizarre that your mum cannot understand it herself. You and your family moved to be nearer her, which in itself was an act of kindness, yet she's punishing you for it. It's beyond comprehension really.

I've been on the other side of this. My mum has been determined to disinherit my brother. He's the one who lives near her and does everything for her that she needs (beyond care, as she's in an extra care facility). I've had row over row with her over it (it's not as simple as a will, it involves a couple of houses, one of which he's lived in with his wife for 25 years).

The difference between your situation and his, is that he's oblivious to her machinations, and should I fail to prevent it happening, anything I gain at his expense will be put right by me after her death. But it won't take away from the hurt, I'm sure. Even though it won't take him by surprise. We both know that she's not a nice person.

It's all the harder for you though, because you were so close before. I'm so sorry.

Your Mums behaviour is either extremely nasty or slightly deranged. It looks like the former.

I'd struggle having any relationship with her.

This OP

Bloody hell that's mean. Horrible.
My DM has had far more time with me than my "D"B because I'm a better DD than he is a DS. Frankly I think I should get more not less of her inheritance (not that she has anything, tbc).

In our wider family it was similar- the lazy brother, who did nothing for anybody, who suited himself, drank too much but was the golden child got far more than the caring angel that was his sister.
My cousin still hasn't got over it. It hurt her to the quick.

how much is it going to hurt when her will is read out and I get nothing? That’s one thing you needn’t worry about - will’s aren’t usually read out.

This is the opposite of what you see on Mumsnet sometimes where the daughter who provides the caring expects to receive MORE than siblings who didn't.

I provide all the care for my Mum but I wouldn't dream of expecting more however the thought that I'd receive less because of it would be really crazy.

I am sorry to read your update op. Your situation has played on my mind a lot, not least because I am no contact with my own dm. Its been five months and, although she reached out, it was not with an apology and so I am content to keep the status quo. I do wonder if you suggesting family therapy was a mistake, that your dm may have viewed it as your desperation to get her to come around? I honestly think you've done the right thing creating distance but therapy kind of undoes that iykwim?

I'm a firm believer in absenting yourself from hurtful situations. Leave her alone with her 'devastation'. It may focus the mind.

So sorry to read this, this is awful, her attitude towards you stinks! And she has the audacity to expect u to pay?!!

I honestly can’t get my head around this.
It must be so upsetting and make you feel so utterly frustrated that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
What a stubborn woman. I don’t think I’d be able to carry on with the relationship but I have become less forgiving as
I’ve got older and hold massive fuck off grudges 🥴
Sending you hope for a desirable outcome for you and strength to deal with this completely infuriating woman 💐

Hi op , I think the way your Mam is treating you is horrendous. How could she do this to her own daughter. I just read an article on google under the daily mirrow , it read " Woman wins court battle after being left out of Dad's "sexism Will" look it up it may give you some hope.

Strange how your brother would be happy to be left out but isn't offering to share or give you entirely his half! You know as he wouldn't be bothered. Have you mentioned that to him at all?

As for your mother have you discussed the possibility in therapy that this is almost a way of her getting her own back when she was left nothing? You do see it quite often id say where when a person is treated badly and you'd think they'd be sure not to treat people the same, they actually treat people as badly and the cycle just continues.

So sorry OP.
To be frank I don't think I could continue with therapy in these circumstances. She's not prepared to budge but is continuing to hurt you. She's relying on the fact that you wish to repair this, while she makes no changes despite being the cause. Your commitment to therapy while she won't budge tells her this.
At this stage I'd walk away. Stuff them. Easy for me to say as it's not my family but while you pander to her, she won't change.
At the next session I'd simply say "I need to draw this to an end and walk away. There's no progress and I can see there won't be. It's just perpetuating the hurt."
Whether you walk away or continue to see her, on her eventual death you'll have all sorts of upsetting feelings and regrets. Carrying on seeing her won't bring you peace on her death. You'll still have a lifetime of hurt at her choices.
I'd walk completely. It might be the shake she needs. It might not.

OP, I am so sorry. You sound like a lovely daughter and most parents would be proud to call you that. But this woman is not going to change her mind, no matter what you do. The therapy is wasting your money and dragging out the pain for you. The only point I would make is that she is also disinheriting her granddaughter in favour of her cousins for no good reason at all. If your DD knew how much she intended to favour her cousins financially over her would she still be so excited to spend time with her lovely granny? People who do this are controlling, so much so they want to control people when they’re no longer here. Instead of leaving their loved ones with happy memories and family support they throw a big fuck off grenade from beyond the grave where they can’t answer for or be held responsible for ripping a family apart. I actually wonder if they are terrified of their own mortality and being unable to manipulate people around them. Your mother has caused her own “devastation” and no one else. I would not be able to talk to her again. It’s up to your DD if she wants to but she should at least be armed with the facts.

Your mother got nothing from her parents, her brothers were left everything.
So misogynistic
and she is about to do the same to you.
It defies logic.

All I can say is I'm so sorry you are in this absolutely ghastly position and would also consider cutting contact.
I would also consider writing her a letter pointing out the inconsistencies in her position and the pain it has caused you.

what a dreadful situation to be in! She seems to be carrying out her life to the blueprint of what she herself was subjected to. For her, to do otherwise, would be to admit great wrongs in her life and that she did nothing about them. She wants you to be the same to reinforce her beliefs that she did the right thing.

Google ‘The Mother Wound’ by Bethany Webster to see if any of that rings true.

I also have two brothers. We all get on fine but I’ve always felt I was treated differently to them. It’s something I struggle with to this day.

If she doesn't have dementia, your mother is a plain and simple see you next Tuesday.

This is classic narcissist behaviour. She enjoys hurting you and by the way, the interaction with DD is just another one of her tools to inflict pain on you.

The difficult thing about narcs is that they learn to be very manipulative so that their victims can only see them as being sweet and caring.

As to feeling bad when she dies - no. She's the one who made this about money, not you. If it's not about money, why is it so important she hands it all to our brothers? Why does she insist you pay for absolutely everything when you're with her?

Lastly, one of your brothers has outed himself as a narc as well. There is absolutely no way I would accept this in his position. Your favourite aunt remains to be seen. If you have spoken with her one on one and laid out the situation and she still thinks this is A-ok, then congratulations, you seem to have uncovered the family viper nest.