How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

Ah yes sorry, you're right, I didn't realise the friend was also the sibling who was going to inherit. In that case it would be her own money and she can do what she wants wiht it.

@MissingYellowzigzags please don’t refuse to take your share. Keep it for your children if you really don’t want it.

your situation sounds really difficult. Sounds like continued therapy will help you deal with this.

I don’t wish to give you more things to worry about, but where is your mother getting these figures? Does one of your brothers have form for being manipulative? Are either of them jealous of your lifestyle? She seems to have fallen for a particular perspective, which paints you as the rich one.

the fact that she is coming up with a particular figure rather than just assuming you are loaded suggests someone is dripping poison in her ear.

@selfindulgentmoaner i totally agree. I’ve asked both brothers outright and they’ve denied it. My DM says she has been ‘reliably informed’. DH works in a niche field. There is literally no one I can think of that my mum knows(other than a private investigator- and my mum is far too tight to pay for that) who could even hazard a guess at DHs salary. DM is fairly easily influenced. It could literally be anyone picking a figure out of the air and creating a narrative to suit.

Why doesn't she believe you though?

It must be so confusing for you. She presents herself in many ways as a loving mum and grandmother and yet her actions are of someone cruel and manipulative. But maybe someone else is manipulating/financially abusing her?

@MissingYellowzigzags how can she be more reliably informed than by you? That must be so frustrating!

Sorry if you’ve already said up thread, but are you going to family therapy? Might be worth exploring this with her further. She needs to see that she isn’t making decisions based on fact and that someone is manipulating her.

it’s progress that she’s changing the will. Despite what she’s saying, I suspect that deep down she knows she’s wrong. I think your stance has at least made her see that, so don’t back down about her changing the will to put you in it.

Also, I think it’s actually impossible to completely cut out a child from a will. So please take legal advice.

well done for sticking to your guns. Am guessing she’s done a lot of damage to your relationship, but at least you can take comfort from the fact that you haven’t accepted this awful behaviour

I don't trust your Mum to keep to her word re the will.
She wants you and your dc back in her life, she misses you and what you do for her.
She's a very strange woman.

Also, it is a bit strange that your mum's instinct is to believe her "reliable information" rather than you. Does she think that you are likely to lie to her about it? Why would she want to have a relationship with and invest "so much time" with someone who is a selfish liar? Why would not she want to make all the time up to your brothers instead? So much to explore in family therapy!!

Absolutely take the money gracefully, but do be insistent on properly exploring the relationship in therapy.

You can ask now it’s all in the open. Once you’ve seen the will- I wouldn’t meet then. Then (perhaps in therapy) you say I’d love to see you Saturday, but only if you want to. If you are thinking of time spent seeing me as worth some monetary value then no, while I will be deeply sad i haven’t any interest in a relationship where the other person thinks they are emotionally paying for every minute spent with me. I don’t work that way.

@selfindulgentmoaner . She hasn’t been informed by me about what my DH earns. I’ve just told her that he doesn’t earn close to what she thinks he does.

Sadly, there is no ‘deep down she knows she is wrong’. She categorically thinks she’s right and I don’t think that will change. She only seems to be able to consider the now….she doesnt seem to be able to consider how all of our situations could change. She thinks one BD should get more because his (relatively new) girlfriend earns NMW, and this is unlikely to change (the fact that the girlfriend almost certainly will change doesn’t appear to register in her logic). The time thing also falls into her floored logic- ok so I’ve spent more time with her, but equally going forward I would have spent more time with her helping her maintain her independence. I’m not sure if she considers that a pleasure for me or not, but she doesn’t consider that one cancels the other out.
and yes, we are going to keep going to the family therapy.

Have you accepted her offer?

My concern would be that she could change the will back at any time and OP would never know.

If I felt that my mum was only changing the will because she wanted my 'support time' back and not because she realized she'd done me an injustice, it would take a lot of trust on my part to believe she wouldn't switch it back at the least provocation or if she felt I wasn't 'earning' my part of the inheritance. Or if her 'conscience' got the better of her and she had to 'do the right thing' and give it all to my DBs, this time not informing me so there was no fallout.

Mmmm I agree @AcrossthePond55

I wonder if there's the opportunity in family therapy to 'thank' you mum from telling you about the will in the first place as imagine how devastated you would have felt had she died and then you found out.
You would have questioned the relationship forever.
At least this way the therapist can try to help your mum see the damage this has / could have caused.

@Billybagpuss not yet. I’m going to wait for the next therapy session.

I would accept it too. I do think you also need to cover in therapy if she had planned to put a wedge between you and your brothers, as that’s what’s happened.

don’t rush back, this will take time for you. Do think about how much time your dd gets with you mum without you there to hear what’s being said. Let this be the last generation of woman in your family raised to be viewed as inferior to the men.

How are you getting on @MissingYellowzigzags hope you’re ok 💐

@Srgcatherinecawood .....Have you complained to the Office of Public Guardian who authorized the POA. Receipts are supposed to be kept for all purchases and can be requested by the Guardian. Your Mum can also withdraw the POA. Different processes in Scotland, Ireland And England. Checkout GOV.UK. This is definitely abuse.

Another thread has prompted me to come back to this one.
I hope you are ok op. I'm not sure if that was you that updated on the other thread?

@InspectorGidget , yes, that was me.
@Billybagpuss im ok, but our relationship is destroyed.
DM says she has changed the will to include me. I haven’t seen it, nor does this provide any assurance that she won’t change it back. It doesn’t feel good. This isn’t what she wants and it just feels like I bullied her into it.
The family therapy achieved nothing positive in terms of improving our relationship. DM describes as ‘6 weeks of mudslinging at me’. DM hated the therapist, and thought she was just out to trip DM up. DM resolutely refused to see anything from a different point of view. She accused me of ‘being driven by money’. I told her I wasn’t driven by money, rather was driven by poverty (we were poor growing up, but huge change in circumstances around the time I left home set the scene for current set up) she says that money doesn’t motivate her……but can’t see that being able to retire/give up work at 45 mortgage free and with a decent lifetime pension means that she hasn’t had to be motivated to work to pay the bills for 30 years….
DM says the last 8 months have destroyed her- says she hasn’t slept, has lost her hair, has had memory problems, skin flare ups, says I’ve destroyed her mentally. She looks older and sad. That makes me very sad…….but she made her decision with the full knowledge of how I felt…..many conversations, several emails. I struggle to have sympathy. She says she is very sorry, that it was a mistake that she’s now corrected. I don’t see us ever being like we were again. I am seeing her, but I rarely call her, don’t update her with what’s going on in my life, don’t discuss decisions with her. I had a moment back in January about a week after she told me I’d been disinherited where I thought ‘this simply can’t be fixed. Doesn’t matter whether she changes it or not. She has seen fit to cut me out, and she can’t undo that’, and that’s is still how it feels. We can just about get along but my hurt/anger bubbles under the surface all the time. :(

I'm so sorry OP...
I don't understand how you can stand to be in contact with her at all.
I know you say it's for your child (children? apologies I forget). But I would not torture myself for that.

Thank you for updating. I’m not surprised that you’re feeling like this, it was inevitable from the moment she made the first will.

She changed the will to get her support system back, but some hurts cannot be undone and I know I would never be able to feel the same way again, it’s very difficult to fix. Hopefully in time you’ll be able to feel less anger 💐.

Sorry to read your update, hopefully in time the situation will calm. It can’t be easy to see your mum upset. But it was a terrible decision that she made in the first place. Sending very best wishes to you

I'm so very sorry OP. She sounds quite narcissistic. even now with all the therapy she just can't see it, can't see your pov. To turn round and say to someone: what's your problem, I've changed it now, you get part of the money, what's your issue - reeks of someone knowing the truth but not wanting to admit it. I am so very sorry. I can't see that that she will ever accept or acknowledge the wrong she's done to you. Thus you will never get that from her. She can't bring herself to admit it. and that must be very difficult, for you.

I agree with @Oblomov23 that your mother will never acknowledge that what she did was wrong.

You will just have to live with that, she showed you who she was/is.

Can i ask what thread that is thank u

I had a moment back in January about a week after she told me I’d been disinherited where I thought ‘this simply can’t be fixed. Doesn’t matter whether she changes it or not. She has seen fit to cut me out, and she can’t undo that’, and that’s is still how it feels

I'm not surprised family therapy didn't change this because what was done can never really be un-done unless you all take memory wiping drugs. That hurt of being sidelined and feeling less than is there still. However, your self esteem is strong because you spoke up for yourself at the injustice of it and that counts for a helluva lot op. Possibly a lot of the angst your mother feels is due to long buried resentments at her own treatment being disinherited, she never examined that and has been now made to in a roundabout way.

This has changed how you feel about her and that may not change, now or even when she is gone. But how you feel about yourself comes from your inner strength and the life you created, a happy family of your own. I mentioned on my earlier posts about my own rift with my mother, we've have contact again, an uneasy truce but I have accepted that the damage is done and just in accepting that it's almost a sense of peace, as in not trying to undo the past or forget the hurt.