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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do I make peace with this?

663 replies

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:03

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

OP posts:
yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:43

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:40

@Ursuladevine i was looking for kind positive responses. It’s good to know that you’ve never said an unkind word or argued with anyone in your entire life so you can sit on your judgemental plinth and pass comment.
if I was an uncaring bitch I’d just be no contact. I’m hoping someone has some nugget as to how I can move on

I wouldn't take on what this person says, OP.
Certain people on here seem to enjoy being on the negative end of every situation they see and like to cause chaos.

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:44

Paq · 02/01/2023 07:43

There's a lot of imagination in this post.

Show quote history

Read the op

2 years of upset
and **monumental rows”

exactly what a woman in her seventies wants about her will. Oh and reminded that her daughter will be “wiping her arse” one day.

olympicsrock · 02/01/2023 07:46

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:34

I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older-

you are not very respectful or kind to your mother, are you?

You have misunderstood this. OP used this as shorthand to say that she expects to care for her mother in her old age - what is unkind about that?

Hadtochangeforthisone · 02/01/2023 07:46

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How unbelievably unkind !!!

How about this is a woman standing up against her own mothers misogyny !! I bet Mum didn't 'earn' the money in her estate all through hard graft and the majority comes from property bought by the OPs father.. and the OP already knows her mother only believes money is needed by men ... as they use it to provide for their wives..

If my mother had that view . Too right I would be having monumental rows with her.

It's not about the amount of money.. doesn't matter if it's a hundred or five hundred thousand.. . It's about the fairness . Not to mention the fact that the men sit back and inherit money whilst the OP provides all the care.

Step back OP. Tell her how devalued you feel. Next time hospital beckons tell your siblings you are unavailable.

CatsForLife · 02/01/2023 07:46

I don’t think I could get over this. I think I’d have to go no contact to be honest. Maybe your siblings would cut you in? I’d be very hurt.

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:46

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What OP means by monumental row may differ to what you imagine to be a monumental row,
For me personally, I've only ever had ONE argument with my mum, and that one argument was monumental for me if you want to go off the definition of the word?
It was actually really minor in comparison to arguments others have with their parents, but with the closeness of us, it was huge.

It may have well been monumental for OP because from the sounds of it - she wouldn't have expected to argue over this with her mother.

savvy7 · 02/01/2023 07:46

I'd step back if I were you. Your Mum is being very unfair and risking causing deep divisions with your siblings too.

Paq · 02/01/2023 07:47

I've read it, it doesn't mean two years of rowing every day.

Did you also read the OP cared for her mum after an operation, that they were "so close" and she was her rock? You're twisting the facts to suit your own imagined narrative to be unnecessarily unpleasant.

SharksInTheTea · 02/01/2023 07:47

This is a shitty shitty she is doing and I am
not sure there is any making peace with it.

Personally, I'm not sure I could stand the hurt enough to continue to offer the level of care she seems to expect from you. She may end up having to use some of that million to pay a stranger to do it.

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:48

Paq · 02/01/2023 07:47

I've read it, it doesn't mean two years of rowing every day.

Did you also read the OP cared for her mum after an operation, that they were "so close" and she was her rock? You're twisting the facts to suit your own imagined narrative to be unnecessarily unpleasant.

I agree with paq fully here.

The upset was clearly on the OP's part. 2 years of upset for OP.

I think this person is just looking for drama & not focusing on the actual issue

caringcarer · 02/01/2023 07:50

It sounds unfair. Your DH salary is irrelevant. He could divorce you tomorrow. I honestly think if you have been telling your Mum how unloved and unvalued this would make you feel and she still went ahead and did it I'd be emotionally cutting myself off from her. I'd cut back physical time spent with her to maybe a couple of hours a month. Let your siblings visit her more. I'd a LL so be making it clear it will be down to your siblings to decide any care she needs and she will be paying for it. I don't say this to be nasty to her but to protect yourself from how you will feel when she eventually passes. My Mum left all my siblings and I exactly the same despite some of us needing the inheritance less than others. It means we siblings are all very close emotionally. I think what your Mum is doing is going to leave you resentful of your brother's.

MichelleScarn · 02/01/2023 07:51

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So the mother is harraunged and has the 'long and short' of OP, but still got op to provide post op care, and is still expecting op to provide future care?....
Yet op is the unreasonable one?

Original poster
MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:51

@MintJulia husband doesn’t earn millions and we all own our own homes.

@yorkshirepudsx this is largely due to DH earnings. She told me a figure the other day that she said someone ‘who shall remain nameless’ had told her was how much DH earned. The figure was 4 fold out. So some noisy busy body has been feeding her incorrect info.

OP posts:
Tara336 · 02/01/2023 07:51

My DM had an idea similar to this in the past, DB is absolutely useless with money and she thought a great idea was to leave everything to him so he "had some money" because I have a good job, bought my first home at 21 and moved up the property ladder by flipping. DB rents, can't hold a job down and is an alcoholic so she thought it would help him out. For once DF put his foot down and said absolutely not! It was unfair and stupid so we now inherit 50/50 of what ever is left after care home fees which I suspect will be absolutely nothing. I honestly don't jnow where my DM logic came from or your DM either but it seems incredibly unfair! It is obviously her money to do with as she pleases but it does make you feel "less" in her eyes then your brothers

LovingTheAbbreviations · 02/01/2023 07:51

what about saying “I would like to be equal to my brothers in your will” and then providing exactly the same care towards her as they do. No arse wiping for sure! You’re not her servant. Inheritance should be equal, you should be getting more if anything as you sound like you’ve done way more care for her. Good luck.

JoyPeaceSleep · 02/01/2023 07:52

wow, she is really using you.

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:52

You honestly believe that a loving daughter would tell her mother “it’s me that will be wiping your arse”…. When we are talking about something people fear so much. Dementia, being incapable.

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:52

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:51

@MintJulia husband doesn’t earn millions and we all own our own homes.

@yorkshirepudsx this is largely due to DH earnings. She told me a figure the other day that she said someone ‘who shall remain nameless’ had told her was how much DH earned. The figure was 4 fold out. So some noisy busy body has been feeding her incorrect info.

This is so unfair. Your DH could start working in a minimum wage job tomorrow for all they know, earnings shouldn't come into it :(
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, I wouldn't be able to find any peace in it. X

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:54

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:52

You honestly believe that a loving daughter would tell her mother “it’s me that will be wiping your arse”…. When we are talking about something people fear so much. Dementia, being incapable.

Stop looking into this one part!! You're overthinking and over analysing it so so much.

upfucked · 02/01/2023 07:55

The pettiness in me would want me to say well if me seeing you as much is why your favouring my brothers then it’s time I see you less.

I think in her 75s is time you sit your Mum down separately and then with your brothers for future planning and make it clear that you can’t and won’t be doing all the care and it will be time to start thinking about getting used to paid for care in the form cleaning and shopping in preparation for the future.

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:57

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:54

Stop looking into this one part!! You're overthinking and over analysing it so so much.

Show quote history

Because if the OP admits to saying something so…. Hurtful, you can be pretty certain it’s the tip of the iceberg

StClare101 · 02/01/2023 07:58

Direct all requests to your brothers in future. I wouldn’t be moving on from it at all.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 02/01/2023 07:59

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:52

You honestly believe that a loving daughter would tell her mother “it’s me that will be wiping your arse”…. When we are talking about something people fear so much. Dementia, being incapable.

Then you are obviously NOT a cater for an elderly relative you love and have a joke with !!!

I have just done a 72 hour stint looking after my mother with a dislocated hip.. waiting for an ambulance... it's called gallows humour !! As she lie on the bathroom floor where I dropped her trying to get her on the toilet... I said .. come , don't lie there doing nothing how am I going to wipe your arse while you're hanging around on the floor ...
Whilst ACTUALLY wiping her arse .. 'I hope I'm in your will' ... both times it made her laugh despite the horrific pain.

Perhaps you should think how hurtful you are being before you post .

SheilaFromTheFuture · 02/01/2023 08:01

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:52

You honestly believe that a loving daughter would tell her mother “it’s me that will be wiping your arse”…. When we are talking about something people fear so much. Dementia, being incapable.

When did dementia even get mentioned?

GinoVino · 02/01/2023 08:02

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:52

You honestly believe that a loving daughter would tell her mother “it’s me that will be wiping your arse”…. When we are talking about something people fear so much. Dementia, being incapable.

Oh shut up.