How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

If your mother did this to your shitty brother I bet he would disappear from her life immediately. She does it to you because you are too nice.

Her behaviour is outrageous. Its nasty and it's vindictive.

Your brother is just as bad. What a nasty person he is.

So many people are corrupted by money.

Oh have no qualms about making sure everyone in the wider family knows what's happening too.

100% this.

There is no way I would be allowing your mother any involvement with your child going forward.

You appear deep in a FOG, fear,obligation and guilt......

Your mother is not a nice person and she knows well what she is doing is wrong and inflicting pain on you.

Yet still you offer your child to her.

Step away and protect yourself.

She will do EXACTLY as she wishes, of that you can be sure.

For your mental health and self respect, step away completely with your child and protect you both.

That you haven't already says a lot about your conditioning by her over the years.

Protect yourself and your child.

Oh and by the way, you are not seeing any of this money. You think she will suddenly change her mind? In her 80s?

Scenario 1: "Oh yes darling daughter, I see what a [REDACTED] I have been to you. I will change my will this week"
A month later: "Oh sorry, I simply forgot. I will go down the solicitors and do it tomorrow. When are you dropping granddaughter off?"
6 months later "Oh it TOTALLY slipped my mind. I am so busy with granddaughter you know. I will do it next week"
At the funeral: "And I leave nothing to my daughter."

Scenario 2: "Oh yes darling daughter, I see what a [REDACTED] I have been to you. I changed my will to include you last week"
At the funeral: "And I leave nothing to my daughter."

Scenario 3: The will is changed to be fair.
2 months after the funeral, a solicitors letter drops through your door. "Your brother is suing to have your late mother's will changed due to your manipulation of her during her last days"
You lose all the money either through fighting this BS or this BS ends up succeeding.

Why do elderly parents do this. Just why? I am a great believer in leaving your money to whomever you like but this sort of behaviour is selfish and curel. They dangle the carrot and as a PP the will will not be changed. It will be their final revenge and they KNOW by then you cannot do anything about it.

Its a power trip

And where did she get this money from? At her age is unlikley that she will have earned it herself. Maybe an inheirtance or life insurance from late husband?

Your brother is ridiculous. Did he maintain eye contact when saying how he wouldn’t mind being cut out?

I think your mother is so entrenched in her position that there’s no going back. Like the saying goes you can’t control what other people do but what you do. I’d stop the therapy and just distance yourself from her.

Does your daughter understand or ask about why the fallout? What do you say? I’d be truthful. Would she want to be around someone who treats her cousins better than her?

My brother in law is due to receive all the inheritance from his mother (and it’s a lot I believe) and nothing to his brother. This is the other way round because apparently brother isn’t close to her etc … I say nothing … but can’t see how it is fair at all. My BIL is obviously very happy with this arrangement and there’s been no offer of a share. I don’t know the details but I don’t know how they can just have these arrangements and no one say anything!

I think you need some breathing space from her apart from the family therapy
What she's doing is cruel, she's justifying it because it turned out OK for her
Sending hugs @MissingYellowzigzags

Why do you keep trying to make her something she is not

She has set out in her will and in her eyes that you are not part of her family

Time to move on and show her that actions have consequences.

Stop giving her your daughter. Stop giving Mother’s Day presents and cards.Stop with the therapy

Your mother probably enjoys the way you keep trying to win her round and her pretending she is oblivious to what the therapist says.

Time to move on and stop wasting your time.
Instead use your time to make more money than she could possibly have left you and give your Dd the best life possible. She doesn’t need a granny who will poison her against you when she gets bored of playing with you

I would also look at moving far far away.

I think Kennykencat has it right. She's playing with you and it's time to cut your losses. What she's doing is so unbelievably cruel.

Another who agrees with @Kennykenkencat

She's humouring you to keep you a bit onside for her own advantage, while not having your back with other relatives. It's worth her while as she can then see her granddaughter.

She's playing you and your emotions like a fiddle

This is so sad, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you can continue to detach and start to heal.

Agree with this.

Show your mum that you are not going to be messed about any more. Stop letting her see your daughter. It will cause harm to her if it is not doing already.

Cut your mother off as she has already done to you. If she needs help let the golden boys do it.

Carry on with the therapy on your own and hopefully you can begin to heal.

So sorry @MissingYellowzigzags . You deserve better than this.

As others have said the Will can be varied within 2 years of her death if all the residuary beneficiaries (ie, your two brothers) agree.

I really do feel for you . It’s so sad and if I was in your position I would feel extremely upset too . I just can not understand where she is coming from , at all .

OP I’m sorry you are going through this. I agree with PPs that nothing is going to get her to see the situation as unfair so don’t waste any more time and energy on her. Let your brothers do the care and running around. If you are not there to do the care your mother’s money will be used for that anyhow which will eat into their inheritance. I never understand parents that don’t split wills evenly between children (unless there is a major drug, alcohol issue but even then there must be a way of putting in a trust or something). It should never be based on what you currently have. Your financial situation could change overnight.

Are art from keeping you around for her own amusement I would suggest she is so landing on you being the one to care for her when she needs it.
Can you see your brothers giving up their jobs to care for their mother, wipe her bum and what ever else she can’t do.

Or do you think they all expect you to do it (probably haven’t even considered you won’t) so their inheritance won’t be gobbled up with care home fees.

You can’t make your mother into something she isn’t.
All the therapy in the world won’t suddenly make her see how selfish she is and have a sudden epiphany and make it all up to you
because she knows that she is selfish towards you and it keeps her going thinking up new ways to inflict pain on you and watching you tie yourself in knots trying to change her

1st paragraph should read

Your mother is keeping you around for her own amusement I would suggest she is doing so because she is planning on you being the one to care for her when she needs it.

Damn auto correct.

update.

@Kennykenkencat gosh, that seems very harsh. Honestly, up until the Will my mum is the most selfless person you could meet……verging on doormat. I cannot think of a situation where she has ever put herself first (hence how her single childless brother walked off with 1/2 the family inheritance and she didn’t complain). She would do anything for anyone. I’m actually surprised that she hasn’t chosen to give her entire estate to charity. Which is, I guess, why this whole scenario has just floored me.

the update:
over the weekend she offered to change her will to make it fair. She says she misses me. One of my close friends said ‘so you’ve won’. But that’s not how I feel at all. I don’t even think I want this inheritance now. I absolutely know that she still thinks I don’t need it and my 2 DBs are much more deserving/worthy/needy and is only suggesting this because I’ve barely spoken to her in 3 months. She’s told me there will be ‘raised eyebrows’ - presumably because she has told people how much she thinks DH earns (which isn’t correct). @Alex462 i hadn’t considered scenario 3, which, if she does change the Will is very likely.
Besides this, how do I even start rebuilding a relationship with someone who has turned every outing we have ever had into a financial transaction? Am I just behaving like a spoilt princess now? Should I just gracefully accept this offer and try to make amends?

That’s great news, OP! Please don’t turn it down. You never know what the future will bring, and you can decide what to do with your share later.

Please also remember your brothers were not there for you, so they don’t deserve your share.

Is there a possibility she is just saying she will change but not actually change it? Have you ever seen her will?

I don't suppose there is anyway to have a conversation with the whole family and solicitor where she admits her unfairness and makes it clear that there will be no contesting the change?

Or you tell her too little too late...

Thanks for the update. I didn’t expect that. I’d try rebuild the relationship. I can see though why it seems hollow and not like a win.

I also don’t get why she has the wrong impression of what your husband makes and why she’s not taking your correction.

i think you will need some proof of this, who knows if she is being truthful? could she say it but not do it?

Take the offer OP, but ask to see it confirmed in writing.
If you choose to give your share to your DBs when that sad day arrives, that's your choice, but you needed your DM to demonstrate that she saw you as equally worthy.

For you it wasn't about the money. It was about being treated differently to your siblings.

What would bring you most peace in life? I would go with that

I don't think your relationship will go back to what it was unfortunately