How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

Don't turn it down. This is what you were asking for, so you'll simply sound churlish.
What you do need though, is for her to accept that she is massively wrong about what your DH earns, and for her to be prepared to put that right with the people that she's given the mistaken amount to.

I honestly don't know where this all came from with your mum. You describe her as such a warm and caring person, that you were really close to. While it's going to be really hard to let this go, it also seems so sad to lose that because of what's in your head right now. She's still that person underneath. She made a bizarre decision, but she's still a mum who's up to now been a massively better mum than some of us have. Maybe it's because I have a really shit mum, but I'd be sad to see you throw away the relationship.

Can you continue the counseling to help get back to where you both were?

for the sake of your dcs take the offer. Even if you don’t need it yourself in a few years time it could be a house deposit, uni fees or a car.

Rebuilding the relationship with your DM may take a while. I think you also need to continue with the therapy and start rebuilding the friendship slowly. Maybe start with a coffee out afterwards.

whatever happens you will never get over her thinking this was ‘ok’. Deep down she probably knows it wasn’t and may be her way of alleviating the hurt when it was done to her. Who knows. But admitting it for her will be huge and is unlikely to happen.

Accept the offer and continue with family counselling. Do not go back to being her carer.

I agree with @saraclara , keep going with the family counselling. Some people seem to think that your DM is conniving and pretending to do this because she gets more time with her DGD and you go back to taking her out and looking after her.

I don't think it's that at all, I think the idea of the men coming first is so deeply embedded in her psyche that she expected it to be equally embedded in yours.

Take the offer, and be gracious. Allow her to do this without making her feel bad for previous decisions. Let people know it was all a misunderstanding.

Keep going with the therapy.

I'm honestly amazed that she's decided this and would want to get it all in writing. She sounds very cruel and manipulative from what you've said on here, so while I would do the things above, I'd want it all in writing and to carry on with therapy to get to a point of understanding with you.

Your mother did make a very bizarre and misguided decision.
Perhaps it all stems from the way she was treated by her parents. Maybe she never came to terms with it. All the hurt and confusion was internalised and the result is she is quite irrationally dealing the same cards she was dealt to you. Abuse of many sorts does echo down the generations.
You are quite right to stand up to such unfair treatment.
You must believe that you were motivated by a desire for equity and not by greed.
Be at peace with yourself.
Your mother may have been severely damaged by repressing the feelings, which the unfair treatment meted out to her, have caused.
Try and find a way back to a meaningful relationship with her.
Your brothers though, deserve a huge kick up the pants. I would give them both short shrift.

Agree.

The damage from your DM behaviour will take a long time to heal. I’d actually say that it will never be the same, which is probably a good thing tbh.

But I wouldn’t rush to resume all meeting ups etc… as if nothing had ever happened.

OP, for such a nice person, do you think it is actually normal for a mother to be mis advertising your husbands private business, his salary?

Kindly meant but I don't think nice people do that.

She's telling lies about your husbands salary to fit her narrative.

I certainly wouldn't associate that with a nice person.

I still think you have probably been conditioned by her for a very long time by virture of accepting her behaviour.

I think a lot of daughters would have firmly put their mother in her place as would a son in law.

I think you should accept your share, but I am at a loss as to how the relationship is repaired.

Perhaps continue with the family counselling but I think you should protect your child and yourself from her.

I would think some counselling yourself could be very helpful too.

Whatever her bonkers reasoning, she has caused you huge pain and tells lies about your husband.

Not normal behaviour at all.

I would continue to be very wary.

@MissingYellowzigzags pleased your mum has at last seen sense and has acknowledged the upset it has caused you not to mention the unfairness.

Rather an odd comment from your “friend”, why would they say that? It’s not about winning/losing it about the unfair treatment that has upset you deeply, surely a friend would understand that?

I know it was not about money at all for you OP, but doing what’s right and fair. As a mum, I never favour one of mine over another, regardless of their family circumstances.

Wishing you all the best with rebuilding your relationship with your mum OP

The first paragraph of this is really sound! Why is your mother discussing your husband’s salary (perceived or not)with anyone!!! That’s just not on. It’s no one’s business and beyond rude.

I agree with the previous posters. Do not turn down the offer but you must continue with the counselling with her.

She needs to understand this was never about the money but how she viewed your relationship.

You must also make sure she does change her will - perhaps the therapist can help with this too, maybe see your mum on her own?

Sorry to hear this OP. My mums estate wouldn’t be worth anything like your mums and I have a brother and a sister. I am the oldest and I can imagine my mum doing this. Or worse giving my brother the house and splitting any money between my sister and my niece. On the basis that they need it more.

On paper it looks like we earn more than my siblings because we live in a nicer house, in a nicer area and we both went to Uni so have better jobs. However, my brother still lives at home with my mother only works part time, pays no bills, always trying to fill his time in taking his dog on ling walks and can always afford to change his car so has a new car every two years. Sister and her partner have a business but they make stupid decisions like they and both kids always have the latest iphones, expensive jackets, expensive trainers/footwear, have umpteen canoes, paddleboards, all have electric bikes, various gaming devices, IT stuff and never factor in paying tax etc etc.

I have stepped back because it feels like the vultures are circling and feel I and my family can’t do anything right and whatever we do sister and niece (her daughter) are always the golden ones.

You can’t make peace with it but step back and have others have said if she needs care it can come from her estate.

Another one @MissingYellowzigzags who thinks you should thank your Mum for her change in position and continue with the therapy (but also ask for sight of the new will). She was totally wrong to have made this decision in the first place but some people would just dig their heels in and stick with it regardless, so I think a gracious acceptance on your part would acknowledge that.

I'd take the offer. Keep the counselling - you need to understand why she has lied about your husband's salary in order to try to diminish her inheritance.

I would also use the counselling as a means of asking her why she expects less from your brothers in terms of her long term care and general life - it's actually still unfair to expect a lot less of them even if assets are shared equally. Make clear that you are not asking to be paid more, but you are looking not to be treated badly compared to your brothers. Your mum clearly has form for this (and tbh I would question whether you can trust her on the inheritance), so if you want peace in your own mind, I would try to get her to understand that it isn't the money, it is the treatment.

I'm glad things have progressed to the stage where your mother is offering to make her will fairer. I would urge you to make sure that she does what she says - ie, that you will receive a copy of the new will which has been correctly signed and witnessed. It would just be too easy to take her at her word and slip back into the old ways.
It's not about whether you need the money, you need the acknowledgement (of which the money is a symbol) that your mother values you as much as your siblings.
Really good to hear about the therapy sessions - I would make these the only contact for the time being.

I’d accept the offer, ensure she actually changes the will, and THEN set about trying to patch up the damaged relationship at your own pace. I hope your mum has realised she made a huge mistake by treating you unfairly.

Take the offer.

But i wouldn't trust her or your brother. They've both shown you who they are and how they value you ... they don't.

I think you should accept! And say could you please show it to me once changed? I miss you too, but I need to know your will doesnt write me out of your life like I didn’t count. Without that knowledge I can’t view our relationship the same way, as I have told you many times, so let’s continue to meet in therapy until you’ve done that.

what do you think the chances she changes it back are?

I’m not convinced she has acknowledged the upset and unfairness, I think she’s just realising that her actions have lost her her support system and she wants it back, for me that would be the hardest thing to accept, she’s only righting the wrong because she wants her daughter back, not that she believes she did anything wrong in the first place. So OP may well feel like she is being bought.

OP if this is the case as I said earlier don’t let that stop you taking the money, for your family as much as anything else and rebuild any relationship with your mum slowly and on your terms.

I think you should accept and ask for proof ( she could change it afterwards in secret but I suspect she wouldn't). Then slowly start seeing her a bit more but without doing anymore than you want.

I'd tell her now, possibly in writing, that you don't want to discuss money and that you don't ever want the fact that you will now inherit from her thrown back in your face. Id also say you don't want it discussed with all and sundry. Your Mum is now splitting her money between her three kids fairly, there is nothing to discuss.

I'm fairly forgiving when people actually do something to make right previous wrongs. Id accept it for what it is.

Good luck.

Remember too OP, that your mother is clearly very comfortable lying to suit HER narrative, so any road to Damascus moment she may claim, should be viewed through the prism of her past behaviour.

Is she capable of lying about the will change to get what she wants?

I would suggest this is very likely.

I hope you explained to the person who said “you’ve won” that a mother splitting. Everything equally between her 3 children wasn’t winning it was just correcting an oversight.

I wonder if she has been on mumsnet and recognised herself and is only doing it because of the advice to move far away and she has earmarked you as being the one to care for her.

I had a very abusive upbringing and I could see right through my mil who I think was a cruel and vacuous woman who only thought of herself.
Dh still thinks she was a person who put others before herself and would help anyone.

But even when challenged he could never name one person she had put herself out for and I could make lists of incidents when she was down right nasty and cruel He still believes she was a selfless woman

Personally I wouldn’t believe that she was going to change her will whatever she puts down.
It will be changed again later

MIL was adamant that Dh and his brother were getting everything equally split. When we had children there was a big show of how the wills had been rewritten to include them. Dh’s parents would talk at length about people who don’t split everything equally between their children and how horrible the fall out is on the children they leave behind.

Didnt stop her leaving everything to BIL.

It only shocked Dh because he truly believed his parents in everything they said

@Billybagpuss
I’m not convinced she has acknowledged the upset and unfairness, I think she’s just realising that her actions have lost her her support system and she wants it back, for me that would be the hardest thing to accept, she’s only righting the wrong because she wants her daughter back, not that she believes she did anything wrong in the first place

its 100% this. She absolutely doesn’t see how her decision could be seen as anything other than evening out the family finances & I’m extremely selfish for my behaviour. In her eyes I don’t need it. The end.
The worst part about the whole thing has been her justification- using time spent with me. So now any time I do choose to spend time with her I’ll just be thinking ‘this will go down in the log book to be used at a later date’.

Please continue with therapy. I would accept her words at face value but rebuild the relationship slowly as the hurt cannot be undone with offer of money as it was not about money to begin with. It was about the disregard to your feelings. Now she is trying to buy your affection, although it is the first step in mending the relationship, it will not be enough.

i really hope you can resolve this over months but please be ready to learn some unpleasant truths about your mother.

@BeeBB one DB is very similar to yours in terms of hidden wealth, which my mum fails to recognise. He has a job that comes with many tax free perks. They include paying a peppercorn rent with no bills for all but 3 years of his adult life, his childrens’ school fees and an early golden plated pension. The school fees alone are worth approx £100k/yr.