How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

It seems that most people are in agreement that the root of the decision lies in old-fashioned attitudes, but the additional detail about DM having been treated the same way by her own parents perhaps explains things more fully. She probably put up and shut up back then because that is what was expected of her, but you are not your DM, OP, and you do need her to acknowledge that this is not a normal way to treat a valued DD. What are you going to do?

So the OP's mother is repeating history. She was treated badly by her parents so she will do the same to her daughter.
Surely we learn from history and don't make the same mistakes.

What an awful situation to be in OP. You love your Mum but she is treating you dreadfully.
BIL had the same situation in his wider family.
The "golden" child received more. The same "golden" child did the least for his parent. Lived with the parent as divorced. Contributed little to the running of the home. Pleaded poverty but drank and smoked to his heart's content.
The sibling who did the most for the parent got the least.

As you have already tried speaking with your mum and she hasn't taken your feelings into account. I think the only way to get her to understand how hurt you are is by taking a step back from her. It may be difficult for you to do but if she cares she will feel it and realise she has hurt you alot. Also I would tell her I will not be able to care for her fulltime and do all the appointments, the other siblings need to share the load especially as they are gaining much more financially. It's not fair and they are taking advantage of your good nature. You need to stand up for yourself, I know she's your mum and it can be the hardest thing to stand up to your parents but you have to stop being a door mat.

Also are you of South Asian heritage by any chance? If so then I don't think yor mum will change her mind unfortunately but the reason males inherit in Asian culture is because they are expected to care for the parents which isn't the case here. If she doesn't change her mind I would definitely not care for her fulltime, again it's not about the money but by not treating you fairly she has damaged the relationship.

I just saw that your mother was treated the same way by her parents. I think this explains why she is doing this, she think this is how it's supposed to be and she's following in her parents footsteps not realising the error of her ways. Parents can be flawed people but I think at this age they are stuck in their way of thinking and too difficult to change.

I think you should take a step back to try to heal, I think there's no point to hold a grudge as life is too short and your mum is old you don't want tobhave any regrets. I think you need to try coming to terms with her decision. Of course you are hurt but if it's a cultural thing you may need to be more understanding. But now you know it's your choice on how to continue with the relationship as in you may feel you don't want to take on as much care responsibility to not feel resentment towards her and your siblings. Only you know what feels right for you to do, don't let obligation force you, just do what you feels right in light of the circumstances.

Having been treated that way by her parents you'd think that she would want to treat her own daughter better!

She may not have minded but Op obviously does.

She's only 75-young enough to have thought it a ridiculous notion!

I feel so hurt for you. I can't believe a parent would be so cruel and unfair? Could you show her this thread? Honestly- at this point if you are considering cutting contact (which I totally would be too), then you really have nothing to lose. Perhaps seeing how much of us are outraged on your behalf, she will see reason?

Problem is, your mother has now made it about the money. If she makes her will fair, you and her relationship will be defined by that.

Personally, I would cut contact down to at most whatever your siblings do regardless of whether she changes it or not.

Again, your kosher is at fault here, not you.

In one sense, she has done you a huge favour by revealing what a sociopath she is before you spent years of emotional energy on her care.

That’s awful!

I was in a similar-ish situation, though not nearly as bad as yours. My Dad died young, and was survived by his grandparents. They dotted on me, but didn’t leave me anything in their will. My Dad’s ‘share’ was divided equally between his siblings - who he never got on with. I got nothing. And my aunts/uncles cleared the house without me knowing, so I have no mementos at all and no photos of my dad from when he was young.

Like you, I didn’t care about the money, but it made me feel like I didn’t matter to them as much as the rest of the family. It also made me question my memories of our relationship.

Does your DM really think you will all play happy families with your brothers after she’s gone? Things will never be the same between you.

Unfortunately we have experienced something like this a few months ago.

I knew PIL would never leave anything to Dh because he was the younger brother.
His father was the eldest son (but youngest child) and had inherited everything from his father at the expense of his older sisters who never spoke to him again. ((Business, family home, money, jewellery, artwork)

I once pointed out that they weren’t going to leave anything to Dh and was told that wasn’t the case. They were insistent that everything was divided equally after children were given a small percentage
And maybe at one stage that was the case.

Dh believed every word his family told him at the expense of me trying to point out the reality.
Firstly FIL died and his mum and brother didn’t tell Dh until after the funeral. He was so upset and I don’t think he ever got over it. To this day he doesn’t know where his dad is buried.
He thought his dad would have left him something as they shared the same hobby. But his mother had written out the will a few months before fil’s death from cancer leaving everything to her. Fil’s signature looked very weak.

Then mil died last year.
Lying toad of BIL was telling DH that things were complicated with regard to mil’s will and he needed to sort things out before Dh and dc could get their inheritance. On top of that he said mil didn’t want a funeral as it cost so much. This didn’t make any sense as it was always assumed that mil would go in the already bought and paid for family plot.
Dh now doesn’t know where his mother is buried either

I had to show dh mil’s will on line to show that apart from the fact he wasn’t getting a thing.
MIL’s will was dated a few weeks before her dementia diagnosis leaving everything (7 figures) to BIL and had already been paid out to his brother.
It is now in the hands of solicitors as apparently a doctor would have had to sign the will to show that mil still fully understood what she was signing. Instead a neighbour signed it.
Dh hasn’t spoken to his brother since

His brother did say to him that when he died then Dh would get everything.
First time Dh has ever called out the lies. He pointed out that as he has a terminal diagnosis, and unless his brother was going to drop down dead in the next few weeks then to stop lying to himself about how he thinks things will workout.

Is this the MIL who refused to tell your husband about his father passing and never told him where his father was buried?

tbh it doesn’t sound like contesting her will is going to be successful given before her dementia diagnosis she was already making it clear she wanted no relationship with your husband?

ridiculoso82 yes it is

My problem is that Dh is so desperate to hold onto the fantasy that he had a close family I can see at some point that BIL will talk to him about the embarrassment of washing the families dirty linen in public and say he will help out with anything he wants if he drops the case. But when the court case is dropped there will be an excuse as to why there isn’t any money.
Or he will be given some money with strings attached, one of which is that I don’t benefit and it is kept a secret.
DH being Dh will squander any money he gets.
I have already told Dd and Ds to not expect anything from their uncle as he is a liar, like his parents and even if he did say he was leaving dc something there would be so many strings attached they would never be eligible to collect

With regards to Dh even when I have proven they have done something that has devastated his life, he would never stand up to them or get off the chosen pathway.

Seems like an utter waste of money to contest this will. Your DH doesn’t have a leg to stand on

One thing I would say OP is that as your mother gets older you will be assumed to be her "carer" by health and social services.
I'm bombarded by phone calls and letters regarding my mother from all sides, many assuming I can drop everything to take her to appointments, sort out her finances or even make decisions on her behalf about her health.

I would ensure that your brother's number is the one registered as next of kin if I were you as it will be a bitter pill otherwise.

You must be so hurt.

I hope your mother changes her will to include you

Every time I read these situations I feel it says a lot more about the person who is writing the will than the person they leave out. Clearly she thinks she doesn’t have to do anything to win your favour, whereas her sons, she’s being a bit desperate, unfortunately they will just carry on as they are because they see it’s working for them. She is a fool. And they know it.

You have been handed a get out of jail card re caring though. Presumably your siblings won’t want the house sold to cover care costs, but that bares no impact on you. They are next of kin and should have full responsibility. You have earned your right to freedom. You don’t need to go no contact, but all contact should be entirely on your terms now.

The relationship would have to change. I’d be too hurt for anything else. If you don’t like the ring, tell her you will throw it off a pier. It sounds like you would only have unkind memories to associate with it so it would be the best thing to do if she leaves it to you.
Where would you like to live? I would have serious discussions with my Dh to make sure we weren’t living our life to support her anymore. What does emigrating to australia or somewhere else look like? Can’t hurt to discuss it! Can you afford a holiday far away like that? Id agree with my Dh to be absent for several full days and nights next time she needs care, email brothers and mum youre away /supporting your dh with something and unavailable. After all, he is the one who supports you apparently, she must expect yiu to prioritise that.

I agree .
Terribly unfair and I can't believe the ' children ' are genuinely happy with this . It really irks me that those that achieve something in life are cut out a will . IME unfair wills do nothing but give rise to family estrangements and bad feeling .

I'm just updating this thread as I'm feeling so low and sad over the whole situation. I'm hoping writing might help. I've been low contact since 1st Jan. My dd does a club next to DMs house on a weekly basis and always wants to see granny after, so I've allowed that to continue, but I've sat in the car and waited for them. It was DMs birthday last week and obviously Mother's Day. I didn't feel like I could completely ignore either. One of my DBs organised mothers day lunch (after I sent a family WA saying I wouldn't be doing anything, but would turn up to anything they arranged). I trawled several card shops to find a card that didn't gush about what an amazing mother she'd been. I left a plant by her door. I didn't see her one her birthday.
I suggested family therapy and she agreed; but its just upsetting me more. We've established that using "time spent" with me was just a way to justify her decision and in her words her decision is based purely on "evening up" the financial differences in our households; the fact that one DB is married with DC and the other is single but she's divided her assets 50:50 doesn't appear to have a bearing on her "evening up" decision.
She said in the first session she was "devastated" that it had come to this. I pointed out that we'd talked about this for 2 years, I had told her several times in person, by text and in emails how cutting me out would make me feel, yet she's gone ahead and done it anyway...and now claims to be devastated. what did she think would happen?
I've now also had a huge row with one DB over it. He thinks I'm being ridiculous and selfish - but isn't offering to share his inheritance and says he wouldn't care if he was left out (which I don't believe), because time is more important.
With regard to her own experience of being left out, she said "well I didn't need it". Ive pointed out that neither did the single childless sibling that got it all.
DD likes to have sleepovers with DM. I've suggested to DM that at DD birthday and Christmas she doesn't give her gifts and instead tells her she had sleepovers (time). DM says that's different.
There is no persuading her, and she has turned DB and my favourite aunt against me too.
Am I going to regret this when she dies? should I not be trying to make this work to enjoy the twilight years of her life with her? If i make amends (and I don't even think I can) how much is it going to hurt when her will is read out and I get nothing? How can we do stuff together where she will expect me to pay (because she always does) and if I do I know that its just more money going to my DBs.
I am just so sad. Today I just want to cry.

I'm so sorry OP. I think your mum is being unbelievably cruel. It sounds like she is enjoying having power over you and hurting you this way.

Honestly, I would cut contact with her to as little as you can manage. Pay for nothing. Let her know that this has damaged your relationship beyond repair. It is her choice, but choices have consequences.

She is treating you very cruelly and your brother is joining in. This kind of injustice can't be accepted - it will make you ill. You can reject this treatment and send a clear message that you are worth so much more.

See an individual therapist if you can. This is very hard.

What was the family therapist's input into the conversation, OP?

This is very difficult OP. I'm guessing that you are feeling a huge sense of rejection, will you, knowing what you know, be able to get over this? Will you be able to go back to your previous relationship with her and your other family members?
My opinion, probably not I know it would take a great deal of time for me to accept all of this and be okay especially with the other family members.
From my own experience of family strife I would suggest not discussing it with family members who are close it inevitably makes things worse as people feel the need to "take sides"

Sending hugs OP, understandably you are very upset I get that it’s not about the finance, it about feeling you don’t have the same worth as your siblings to mum.

My mum was very toxic, and if she fell out with you she would do her utmost to stop everyone else in the family talking to do too. people that have lovely mums really don’t understand how intolerable and upsetting these complicated family situations can be.

It doesn’t sound like your mum will change her mum, even given that she knows how much this decision has hurt you. You can’t change your mum, but you can protect yourself against the upset, by staying away.

Wishing you all the best OP

@MissingYellowzigzags This is absolutely not on you - it's on them. I would be minded to find some space from your brother (very easy to say he wouldn't mind being cut out when he knows full well he isn't) and I'd be continuing LC with your Mum, if not NC. I really hope you are OK, this must be devastating.

@saraclara the family therapist also thinks my mum is well off the mark. She is trying to stay neutral, but obviously struggling. When my mum went about about how much of her time I had had, the therapist asked "Have your sons not had any of your time?" to which my mum replied "of course they have", to which the therapist said "how are you accounting for the time spent with your sons in your calculations?" to which of course my mum doesn't have an answer. The therapist also pointed out that its completely normal for daughters to spend more time with their mothers' than sons, but this is being used to financially penalise me.
This week she got my mum to admit that it isn't about time at all, and purely about the amount of money my DH earns (siblings and I all earn within 4 figures of each other).

Keep going with the family therapy.

It's so odd that your DM clearly values her relationship with you so highly that she is prepared to do this, but the cognitive dissonance between that and her actions doesn't seem to be resonating yet.