How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

I agree with this.

Outrageously unfair . Wills be unfair rip families apart . Your DM needs to split her estate equally with all her children not penalise you and your OH for doing well in life .

Wills being unfair

Yeah you need to clear up DHs salary, point out that he could divorce you. Then take a massive step back.

It's the prodigal daughter dynamic. You are more present and less valued.
I am guessing as you love her and she helps you that you don't want to distance from her.
To make peace with it? Give up struggling with it - it is what it is. If she is prone to wanting to control or shock or test then you are giving her power. Act in accordance with accepting the information as it is. How will you respond when you have accepted it? What does it actually mean? What do you value in your life? What do you want to develop in yourself? Do that. Do you want to care for mum? In these circumstances? If so, then choose to do it. If not then choose not to. Either is OK. Get away from emotional reasoning with mum, stick to facts. 'You have made a decision most right thinking people would disagree with and listened to gossip which is untrue.'

If you're staying in her life then make it clear there will be no care coming from you. Let her pay for carers and if she needs to go into care let's hope she lives long enough to use up all her assets so there's nothing to leave your siblings.

@MissingYellowzigzags i’m in your situation I’m afraid. Narc mother, golden child sibling. Me and my DH have worked hard, earned more, had kids. Sibling has no kids and has created a whole debt-laden house of cards being with a narc twat with champagne tastes and beer money. Sibling has managed to get poa and has encouraged our mother to change her will. My mother thinks we should have the same amount of money so has allowed my sibling to drain her account so that they can have nice things also. It is disturbing to watch. I cannot understand why at the age of nearly 50 you are still taking handouts from an elderly person. So They now have a new Range Rover whilst my mother turns the heating on less. Once the Will was changed happened they fucked off took a job two hours away living in their holiday home (which they can’t afford either) leaving me with both parents bed-bound doing everything. It was very much my DF’s money and express wish that everything was split 50:50. He would’ve been horrified. I’m afraid after DF passed and the nastiness from my sibling and mother continued (including not giving him a wake which is shameful and other outrageous antics which I won’t post as they are too identifying) I have withdrawn completely and reduced contact from hours every day when DF really needed me to 30mins at most per week for my mother. She doesn’t deserve more and I’d resent spending more time there being unappreciated not to mention the toll on my own MH. My in-laws are lovely people, also need help and my DH and DSIL share the responsibilities equally. I have no doubt that DSIL will inherit all of my IL’s estate as DFIL is quite old fashioned and thinks it’s terrible DSIL has to work whilst having 3 kids because DBIL won’t take promotions at work which would mean she doesn’t have to. My point is, caring for parents isn’t about inheritance it’s about sibling teamwork and fairness in the expectation. I know if DSIL were to inherit it all she would give 50% to DH, whether or not he would accept it is a different matter but his choice. Your DM is being very calculating and relying on your sense of obligation to do her bidding whilst also goading you by telling you about the Will. You are entitled to feel angry at the inequity. For your own sanity, consider what you get from the relationship right now. You don’t have to look after her, it is not the law. Let her spend her precious money on care when the time comes. Ensure your siblings understand what is going on and explain that you won’t be doing any of the life admin, hospital visits etc. Direct doctors, social workers et al to your brothers. Do not step in, once you do you’ll be sucked back in. Lots of advice on the stately homes thread in relationships plus reading material which might help you.

I’m sorry for the long post, but you asked if you can make peace with this. I know exactly how you feel but I very much doubt you can with a personality like your mother. You have explained your hurt, she is wilfully ignoring what you are telling her and the opportunity to make it right. She is entitled to make her own choices and so are you. The consequences for her may have a greater effect than she realises, but again, not your problem.

@Srgcatherinecawood I know this kind of thing happens but it still shocks me that people can be like this.

That must have been a very bitter pill to swallow, not the money so much but just the behaviour of your sibling. were they always behaving in this kind of way?

I think you need to talk to your brothers about this. Perhaps a simple message saying you are obviously hurt that mum has decided she values them as the boys of the family higher than you and has cut you out of her will. That as far as you can see, the only thing you’ve done to deserve being disinherited is be female but if they know of anything you’ve done wrong, can they please tell you. But to put them on warning, you have decided you will be stepping back from caring for Mum so they will have to be prepared to do the work.

it really isn’t on for you to be expected to run yourself ragged in order to protect your brother’s inheritance.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. My friend has been cut out of the will by his parents (who he was helping so much) and all the money will go to his brother. Their rationale is that his brother has children and my friend doesn't so his brother needs the money for his kids.

My friend has really withdrawn from his parents now. It's so sad.

My in- laws are amazing but at one point they mentioned leaving more in their will to my DH and his sister and less to his brother as his brother doesn't have kids. All of us said to my in-laws that this was awful, terribly unfair and everything should be split equally.

Your mother sounds awful. And so do your siblings if they have said nothing.

In the short term, I would step back. Just stop seeing her for a couple of months if she’s used to being part of your life for 2-3 times a week. Be clear it’s that you are hurt and trying to process the fact that you are valued less than your brothers.

do you have both a girl and boy? If so I’d question if you want her to spend much time with your dcs if she clearly values boys higher than girls, it could be played out with the next generation as well.

That's grossly unfair. My children all have different means and I am dividing everything equally. If any of my children provide any care for me, I plan to pay them as we go.

I wouldn't be out of pocket at all for any care you give. Your brothers will recoup any losses when they inherit. Let them pay for anything required.

That's very hurtful and so sexist that you get to do all the care and the men get all the inheritance.

@janeeyreair if you had told me 10 years ago my sibling would be behaving like this, I’d have been shocked. My mother has always been a difficult person (she could start a row in an empty room) and has always been jealous of me (it is not rational) so that hasn’t been a surprise.

Some of the things that have happened to me by them both over the past 3/4 years you couldn’t have made up. It’s like being in the middle of the plot of an outrageously unbelievable ITV drama. My mother is dying, my sibling can only have the money once. She has no friends, no kids and no life. She’ll have no one to look out for her in old age.

I feel sad that the situation has become like this because of their actions, but I don’t feel sorry for either of them. Actions have consequences. They may love the drama, but I don’t need the money in the same way my grasping sibling does so I have chosen to step away. I made sure my DF had a private wake which I paid for without either of them there so we could pay our respects to a kind man. I am at peace that I have done the right thing when the time came. I do not however have to put a bitter elderly woman front and centre of my waking thoughts. My own family deserve my time with their unconditional love and support.

We had a similar situation but with the grandchildren. It was my children who would have inherited more than double. I managed to persuade Mum not to do that as it would have damaged relationships between us all. She passed last year and I am very grateful that she took my advice.
Perhaps your brothers could talk to her and ask her not to do this and explain the damage it will do.

@Srgcatherinecawood Lovely that you had a private wake for your father. Also that you have taken a mental step back rather than get repeatedly drawn in to their drama.

Ignore the couple of nasty comments about you not being ''respectful''. Respect goes both ways.

Your mother is taking your affection and the fact that you should care for her for granted yet she is putting your male siblings first while the reasonable thing would be to allocate her wealth equally between all of you.

I would have one final serious and calm conversation with your mother stating that you are deeply hurt by her behaviour and you don't accept that she should favour your male siblings over you. And that as a result you will now be less involved in her life as she has shown you that you don't really matter to her.

Then distance yourself and get on with your life.

Make it clear you will no longer be on call when support and care is needed and that instead you expect your brothers to be involved from now on. Your siblings have done nothing to support you yet they also contribute nothing when your mother needs help...I think you need to stop giving them an easy ride.

Your mother sounds like she is comfortable with money so she hire paid carers if needed.

This made me laugh, have just done a stint of personal care for my mum after serious illness. You should of heard the things we said to each other!!

Because its either gallows humour, or sliding onto the floor sobbing because your Mum is suffering so much, and you can't fix it. I think anybody that can't understand that has never been there.

@Srgcatherinecawood thank you for your post. It’s sounds truly awful. One of my siblings is a borderline alcoholic with a coke habit and associated health issues. DM is fully aware. I said I didn’t understand why she thought it was better to give money to DB to drink than to me. She assures me she has had ‘strong words’ with him and is confident he won’t waste the money 🤔.
the thing is, even if she did choose to change the will, and aside from the fact that it would look like I bullied her into it, it can’t change that this is a decision she has thought long and hard about over at least 2 years, and the conclusion is that I’m not worth anything.

This. She obviously has money so can pay for care and companionship.
In a novel it would be a test and you still being a loving daughter would result in you getting all the loot.

It's very very unfair to you and how she can't see that is beyond me.

So sorry that OP (and other posters) have this sadness to deal with. We had this situation in our own family, where some cousins were left unequal amounts (less to childless one). They just waited until the death, and went to a solicitor to draw up a deed of variation, which divided everything equally. Minimal expense, and it saved their close relationship. The dead parent couldn't be made to see how hurtful the will was, and had refused to change it. I think they were sensible

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Treating your children differently in this way is an awful thing for a parent to do. If it's ever uneven it should be because more money is going to the person who will do all the caring.

I cared for my mum for the last 5 years of her life, it's so hard, it can break you, and if there's a genuine resentment there aswell because of money then I don't think anyone could actually do it.

I'd tell your mum that you can't see her so much anymore or make any commitment to care for her as you'll be busy working or volunteering for people who appreciate you.

Something very similar happened in my family.

Grandparent left everything to one daughter & their grandchild, who was largely absent. My Mum sacrificed everything, giving increasing personal care for 20 years. We didn't go on family holidays, Mum didn't have days out with friend's or a job outside the home, every day was built round caring for our Grandparent.

It was not about the money, it was about the absolute unfairness & lack of value. It has damaged our memory & destroyed a family.

I would kindly advise you to protect your own mental health and step away as soon as you can. The longer you continue to provide care and support the harder it will be to deal the the grief and unfairness when the very sad, but enevitable happens. I'm really sorry to be so negative, but your care and sacrifice should mean something....at the least fairness.

@sofarequired i don’t particularly get on with one BD, there is no chance he would relinquish any money coming his way, and as I’ve said previously, it’s not about the money. I would actually feel uncomfortable taking it from them (none of us are in ‘need’ of it)…..if my mum doesn’t feel I’m deserving then so be it.

The combination of not being valued and still being expected to be defacto carer would be enough for me.

time to step back