How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

it can’t change that this is a decision she has thought long and hard about over at least 2 years, and the conclusion is that I’m not worth anything

It doesn’t work like that. Our wills are not shared equally as we believe in equity rather than equality and have also instilled that in our kids since birth. That doesn’t mean we don’t love our kids equally though! Thankfully they understand this.

One of my kids is super financially savvy, does algorithm/risk/modelling stuff for a living etc. Latest version all our kids sat down and worked our will out together with one taking the lead working out approximate lifetime earnings etc, and the reality is some will out earn others by a shit tonne due to various factors and all of this was modelled and figures agreed on. The one who took the lead in this will basically get near nothing which suits them just fine, and we know they won’t be crying foul or that we don’t love them etc🤯.

For those saying anything could happen later in their lives, well yes it could, but that’s where risk mitigation comes in, and is what life/disability/financial insurances are for and my kids are sensible enough to know that if you have any financial commitments or a family etc then these are absolutely non-negotiable, plus ring fencing etc to protect assets in event of divorce or whatnot. We are also fairly confident that if something were to go amiss our kids would rejig as necessary with investments to correct.

^^ this.

Id be stepping back. You say she’s a wonderful granny but what kind of woman sets this appalling example to her grandchildren?

I also believe she is pulling the wool
over your eyes with her line about “time spent with you being more important /worth more than the money”.

I suspect internalised misogyny at work here and she believes the men deserve the money more than a woman. No way would I be waiting on her hand and foot if my mother put my siblings over me like this.

very sorry for you, OP.

Well if you are not in the will then surely you are relinquished from care duties. Your DM essentially cuts you out and then expects you to care for her in old age. That's pretty unbelievable.

@MissingYellowzigzags it really is shit, isn’t it. And the irony of me predicting when I was younger, ‘you know it’ll be me looking after you at the end, don’t you? You won’t see them for dust’ and then it came true. And she knows it.

it isn’t the money, it is the unfairness when you haven’t done anything wrong that is the kicker. And the fact someone is happy to have you run ragged with a 200mile round trip at the same time. Honestly, walk away. Best thing I’ve done for me and my family, I do not snap at anyone, I don’t spend hours on the phone trying to report the financial abuse to SS (who do not give a shiny shit even though the evidence is immense). In the end, who was I worried would judge me for walking away? My Mother’s next door neighbour? (A woman who is genuinely lovely that my mother slags off all of the time)? The ex-neighbour (a woman in her fifties who takes £200 in cash from her for her birthday every year 🤔, for context, I got £0 )? Anyone who knows me, knows I am kind, generous and fair. Their opinions matter. Let those on the ‘payroll’ judge away.

As an aside. My sibling left our mother with no one over Christmas (we were 200miles away at the IL’s). I feel no guilt. She has reaped what she has sown. I warned her about sibling twat partner (coercive control, narc tendencies) like your DB’s coke habit she has ignored it.

You matter to the people who truly know you. My actual family are my friends who call me to have a chat, know how I think, ask how I am. I wouldn’t choose to be friends with my sibling which probably speaks volumes. Know your self-worth. Do some reading and reach the conclusion that suits you. It is easy on an anonymous forum to just say walk away. It took me three years to do it and in that time it caused me massive issues including putting my health at risk. Consider why you feel obligated and examine that.

Having a dysfunctional relationship like this with a mother is a social taboo. We’re supposed to value a mother, ‘she’s the only one you’ll have, blah blah’ but sometimes you aren’t blessed with the mother you deserve.

I think it hinges on your siblings being male. You don't need money as your husband will provide for you, they have families to provide for. My mother was older than yours but that would have been her thinking. Her will, made when my son was about four, left the bulk of her estate to him and any future grandchildren because I didn't need the money as my husband would provide for me. It was her money, she could do what she liked with it but it did feel that my son was more important to her than I was. I didn't say anything but it stung.

Fast forward sixteen years. By then I was widowed, the grandson didn't come and play with granny any more and she'd started relying on me more for help with her day to day living. Everything had changed and she changed her will too. I felt recognised but I suspect that it was really because my husband had died so I was no longer "provided for".

Only you can choose how you make peace with this - personally I would do what I felt was best for me (which would be by creating some considerable detachment and distance). 💐

My DB is the golden child - but even my narc mother has divided her estate fairly (though I suspect because she knows she can’t rely on DB and that I would walk away if she did something similar). Also I am close to, and like my DB so if she were to change anything then he would arrange a deed of variation - in addition some assets have already been gifted to us (fairly)!

I think if she back too.
Id let both brothers know that you are not happy and that you will not be providing care for your mother. When that time comes she will need to pay for care and that will come out if their inheritance.
She is leaving g them both half a million pounds and expects you to be happy with a second hand ring!!!!!!
Im not money oriented btw. I’ve had to work hard all my life and have never inherited a penny. However I would be letting all 3 know how you feel and to make sure your brothers know they will be expected to step up from now on regarding all matters.

This happened to a friend of mine. She has a ‘useless’ brother who stood to inherit the whole lot. Her mother didn’t feel her daughter needed it. However, daughter was the carer when she got old and ill which went on for a few years.
so my friend decided that her mother should stay in her home and have 24 hour private carers which considerably diminished the funds going to her brother.
I suggest your mother is forced to use the inheritance for care and you step aside.

Completely unfair OP. I would be so upset in your position and I don't think I would be able to move past it I'm afraid.

I would definitely recommend she spend her money on carers when needed however as I would not be available to help out.

I’ve no advice on moving forward I’m afraid. I would struggle moving past this and I would certainly be withdrawing some of what you do for her. She can pay for care and use the precious boys inheritance.

I would write her a letter saying what you have said here, how it hurts not to be treated equally and finish with saying that whilst you love her, you feel you need to take a break from her for a while.

It sounds like someone- one of your siblings? - has been giving her incorrect information about your DHs salary.

@HoppingPavlova I don’t think most families are like yours!!

My sister is a millionaire and lives abroad so does nothing practical for my parents. I live locally to them and am decidedly not a millionaire 😀

They are splitting everything 50:50, as well they should!

This must really hurt! Obviously none of us are entitled to an inheritance (it's parents' money to do what they want with) but being actively excluded like this must feel really awful.

It would be interesting to know her rationale. For example, your DH earns significantly more...are we talking millions? If there's a perception that you're wealthy and your brothers are not, she might be keen to give them a leg up to create some equity between you. Just a thought, anyway!

I would suggest that if she does have such a decent estate then she does need to make provision for her care and not just assume you will do it.

I don’t think most families are like yours!!

And therein lies the problem😁.

Seriously, if you bring kids up understanding and committing to equity as opposed to equality, it solves a lot of issues.

It's common enough.

You've treated her kindly. In return, she has grabbed her only real opportunity to treat you badly.

Let the beloved beneficiaries "wipe her arse." Or charity/social services.

@HoppingPavlova hmmm

Have all your kids had equal opportunities?

I think it's very wrong to split inheritance according to the financial situation of your children unless they are disabled/ have had discrepancies as a child due to your financial situation etc. This creates huge issues in families when you are gone, no matter what they say now

Sadly a lot of people feel what is in the will is a reflection of what their parent thought of them when it may be due to a variety of factors.

In any case my DH and I hope to give our kids any "inheritance " whilst we are still alive but unfortunately as you can't predict how long we will live, it is difficult I die with nothing

Have you told her this?

tbh I wouldn't be able to recover, I'd go NC.

H*oppingPavlova
*
What a load of nonsense.

Instead of tying yourself and kids up in a load of self justifying sciency algorithm which no doubt makes you feel super smug about your wildly intelligent family ... how about just asking yourself

.. do I love my children equally ?

Yes I do so

I will divide anything available when I die equally to express the equal love I have for all.

Saves a bloody packet of insuring against your 'algorithms' being wrong.

I would take a break from her. Just have some distance for 2 weeks and draft a message to all 3.

In light of recent updates you wish to make it clear now.
Any and all personal care that your mother will require will either come from your brothers or paid professionals.
You are not cutting her off. You still wish to have a relationship but this will be less then the regular visits. That you just can't see past this clear favouritism and you hope that with the updates they will step up.

I have to say a few threads recently have made me glad to be an only DC.
Yes it's hard not having anyone to talk to or support the situation of elderly DPs, but equally there is no discord to find or inheritance to tinker with, and I can do as much as I can without being criticised for doing more. FWIW I can't see me providing hands on physical care unless there is absolutely no alternative, even as sole beneficiary of their will.

Well she clearly has her reasons behind it. Are your siblings single parents by any chance? There's not alot you can do but accept your mothers wishes. She's obviously wants it to go to those that will benefit the most from it, which I think is fair

That’s really cruel of her. I don’t know how you can ever get over it tbh.

I sincerely hope that if she does require care when she’s older, it doesn’t fall to you.

This is exactly what I was going to say. The OP needs to work out what will best help her to move on, and I don’t think it is the sort of revenge exclusion that many people are suggesting.

She may well have 15 or 20 years ahead of her.

I would leave her to get on with it.